First of all, I haven`t even checked if this meets the word count. I figured we non-competitors needn`t worry about such things.

Second of all, I am deeply sorry to everybody. Truly, deeply sorry.

---M.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
::Underside, Kupopolis::

::Graphics titles and theme music play. The Great Race CGI montage accompanies the theme music. Fade to camera.::

::Television personality Marty Napkins and co-host Black Marker Moogle are standing in front of a great archway. The black void of space is visible behind them.::

Marty Napkins: Hello and welcome to our home audiences to Tuna Sportsline special coverage of the Great Race. I`m Marty Napkins, and with me as always is Black Marker Moogle.

Black Marker Moogle: Kupo.

Napkins: And we`re coming to you live from the Underside of Kupopolis, where this is all coming together tonight. What you`re witnessing here is not just sports history, ladies and gentlemen. It`s Web history. Never before in the history of the Web of Worlds has anything like this even been attempted, much less successfully pulled off. And only Tuna Sportsline could bring it to you.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right, BMM. Why don`t you tell our home audience exactly what this Great Race thing is, anyway?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well, I`m not quite as eloquent as you are, but I will certainly try. Fortunately, for those in our television audience, we have some graphics prepared that will help me explain.

::Graphics wipe left onto the screen. We see fourteen polygonal stick-men standing in front of fourteen semi-trucks::

Napkins: Fourteen teams will be vying for the prize starting tonight. The Great Race will start with a footrace across the circumference of Underside, after which each contestant will strap into a semi-truck and traverse three different dimensions along a pre-determined route before returning here to the finish line, all the while trying to stay ahead of his competitors.

::As Napkins speaks, the figures race around the track, which circles the edge of a large floating disc, and return to the semi trucks. They each get inside one and drive toward the center of the disc, driving under the archway and disappearing.::

Napkins: Each team is comprised of a driver and a navigator -- although we do have a few lone wolf contenders -- and each truck is equipped with a navigational computer into which we will feed the race course as each truck enters each new dimension. No one will know ahead of time where the Great Race will take him -- which is what makes this event so exciting, isn`t that right, BMM?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: ::laughs:: Oh, BMM. I can`t believe how humorous you are!!

BMM: ... Kupo.

Napkins: Let`s get to know our contestants, shall we?

BMM: Kupo.

::The graphics flash and gyrate, with many cool and expensive (and sometimes cheesey) computer generated effects. The words "Team 1" scroll into the upper left hand corner.
::Two photographs appear side-by-side: one is a balding, portly middle-aged man, the other a cyllindrical V1-series pilot droid.

Napkins: Giving his name only as Arnie, Team 1`s driver hails from Winlan in the Dragon Dimension. He is technologically astute, with an undergraduate degree in technical engineering, has led a life of petty crime and at 40 years young is still a virgin! How about that?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, yes. Quite sad. Arnie`s co-pilot and navigator is a V1 pilot droid from Tasnica`s Forge Mechanicals. The droid doesn`t have a name, but I`m guessing he`s also a virgin.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Oh my! Can you say that on television!?!?

::Again, the graphics shift, and the portraits from Team 1 are sucked off the screen. "Team 2" scrolls into the upper left, and again two more portraits appear: one of a dark haired young man, and the other of a stunningly beautiful blonde woman wearing a red scarf.

Napkins: Our driver for Team 2 is named Candron, and from what we know he`s a rhyming-magic guy of some kind. I hear he knows a spell that makes trucks float, BMM -- now that`ll come in handy in this race, wouldn`t you say?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well you can tell him that yourself if he ever crosses the finish line, BMM! And how about that navigator, huh?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well don`t get your hopes up. Apparently Candron couldn`t get anyone to come with him on the Great Race, so in actuality his navigator is a quasi-real arcane phantasm in the shape of a beautiful woman.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yeah, totally. Still a virgin.

BMM: Kupo.

::More flashy graphics: "Team 3" logo: the two portraits that come up show a pair of scruffy looking thugs with a few scars and days` worth of stubble clinging to their faces.

Napkins: Artie Toner`s the driver for Team 3, and both he and his navigator Jules come from the Republic of West, where they were members of the Black Hearts gang. Boy, wouldn`t like to meet them in a dark alley at night.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Gezhundheit. ... Now, don`t take my word on this, folks, but I hear tell the rig Team 3`s driving is loaded with stolen Kuat weaponry. Which could very well give them an edge on some of this race`s courses.

::Again with more graphics, escorting the "Team 4" logo onto the screen. The two portraits come up as well: one a college-aged kid and the other a ten year old boy.

Napkins: And Team 4 brings us our youngest contestants in the race: 18-year-old Ken is an orphan hailing from the Veldt town of Vorn, and with him as navigator is his 10 year old brother Justin. And even though Ken wasn`t really the Hero of the Goddess, Justin simply isn`t old enough to be driving a semi truck in the Great Race.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, it would be pretty funny to see him try. You see that vest Ken is wearing? That`s the Vest of Justice. What a unique article of clothing, eh?

BMM: Kupo.

::The Team 4 graphics fade away, making way for Team 5 to slide up on screen. The driver is a large Xsian man with an eyepatch, and his navigator is an older Nikeahan police officer.

Napkins: Team 5`s driver is Mack. Mack`s a big guy, and boy that eyepatch is also unique. Isn`t that right?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: I`m with you there, BMM. Definitely unique. Conrad Guster`ll be navigating for Team 5... a veteran of the NPD, and I also hear there`s some bad blood between Officer Guster and Mack.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Oh, nothing too serious... JUST THE HORRIBLE DEATH OF CONRAD`S SON AT MACK`S HANDS!!!!!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, that will surely give our home audience some juicy "reality" action to sink their teeth into!!

::The graphics shift and usher in Team 6. The driver is an insane-looking man wearing a pressure suit, and his navigator is an authentic replica 12" Seraphim action figure.

Napkins: We here at Tuna Sportsline specifically let a few insane nutjobs through the screening process just to make this all the more enjoyable for our home audience. And here`s the first of that lot. Giving his name only as Dr. Feelgood, he claims that his truck has the capability to fly through space. And yes, that is an action figure serving as his navigator.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, most likely also a virgin. I trust your instincts on this one, BMM.

BMM: Kupo.

::Team 7`s graphics interpose iris-open over Team 6. There is only one portrait here: an average-looking young man wearing a cap with the Kuat infinity logo emblazoned upon it.

Napkins: Representing the Kuat Consortium, Team 7`s driver declined to give us his name. So we will refer to him as Truck Driver 1. And that might get a little confusing, since Truck Driver 1 is driving Team 7, but you`ll just have to live with it.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Now, BMM, there`s no need to be vulgar. I`m sure the nice people at home don`t appreciate it in the least.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right, Truck Driver 1 does not have a navigator. But he does claim that he has been blessed by Spekkio with the Boots of Far Walking -- which are quite unique, wouldn`t you say?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Indeed. Yes indeed. So I guess the boots kinda make up for not having a navigator, wouldn`t you say?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Aww, I love you too, little guy.

::Team 8`s logo appears, along with a pair of portraits. The driver`s picture is dark and obscured to the point you can`t make out his face. The navigator is a young girl.

Napkins: More anonymity -- neither driver nor navigator for Team 8 has deigned to supply us with their names. But they do claim to be from -- THE FUTURE!

::gong sounds::

Napkins: The driver... well, he`s a guy, I think. His resume consists of chasing down kidnappers in his semi-truck and trying to rescue kidnapped young girls. In the future, of course. And his navigator is one of the girls he`s rescued. Say, she look familiar at all to you, BMM?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: ::laughs:: Man, that`s dirty. And wrong! She`s from the future, you know. So she`s probably actually only half your age, if that.

BMM: Kupo...

Napkins: ... "they never go back-marker," yes, I know, you`ve said that before.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Don`t ever talk about my wife like that again, you little prick.

::Team 9`s graphics slide on screen. The driver`s portrait is a shadowy, scary-looking creature with glowing eyes. The navigator is a mutilated corpse hanging upside down from the ceiling of a gas station restroom.

Napkins: Team 9`s for those of you in our home audience who are fans of the macabre and grotesque. The driver -- who, again, has chosen to go nameless -- is a creepy Graulemn who`s opted to give up the boon of mortal flesh and substance to become a more perfect servant for Tauroch as a shadowy wraith-like death creature with cool powers and magic. And you know what? Good for him. That takes balls right there, wouldn`t you say so, BMM?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, yes I`m sure they are nice ones, at that. You`ll note that Creepy Graulemn Man`s navigator is a little on the dead side -- but as Dr. Feelgood so ably proved, a driver`s choice of navigator need not be a living and/or conscious one. So Mister Graulemn`s navigator is a bloody corpse, who has also opted to go nameless.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, that`s correct, BMM. I do have it on good authority that Bloody Corpse was a truck driver himself before he was horribly and ritually murdered to fuel a Taurochian blood rite. That expertise would be invaluable to Team 9`s success in the Great Race -- if he were alive and in any way capable of imparting said expertise, that is.

::Team 10`s title card pops onscreen with fanfare. The driver is a bulky, crazed looking guy with yellow teeth and thinning hair. HIs navigator is a younger man wearing a STORM jacket.

Napkins: This team comes from Esper. Neither of the two have given their names, so we`ll just call them Crazy Truck Driver and ex-STORM.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Why "Crazy Truck Driver," you ask? Because he`s CRAZY!! Well, not normally. But the thing is, in order to up the entertainment value of the show, we`ve seen to it that Crazy Truck Driver will occassionally be prone to psychotic outbursts. See, what ex-STORM doesn`t know is, Crazy Truck Driver`s ICORR rig has something in the back that makes him crazy. Is it a bio-weapon? Is it some magic-doodley artifact thingamabob? Is it a unique aritcle of clothing? A travelling salesman? A three-act play, or maybe a (picture of a) desolate mountaintop!? WE DON`T KNOW!!!! BUT IT MAKES HIM CRAZY!!! BECAUSE WHY NOT!?!?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well, hopefully whackiness will ensue and help keep our audience entertained. Or maybe Crazy Truck Driver and ex-STORM will kill each other on the race course in a spectacular, flame-tastic crash!! Either way, good viewer share.

::Team 11`s title graphics dissolve onscreen over Team 10. The picture accompanying the title card is a guy in a tee-shirt and jeans holding a little girl`s head in a jar.

Napkins: Team 11 is also kind of strange.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: The driver`s the head-in-a-jar, name of Tiffany Lang. She has no navigator, but pictured is her helper-friend for the round one footrace, Bob. Bob will be carrying Tiffany`s head-jar as he runs against the other drivers. Then he`ll plug little Tiffany into her truck and off she goes.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: ... First of all, ew. Second of all, she`s just a head.

BMM: Kupo!!

Napkins: ::sighs:: I walked right into that one. ... You`re a first-class perv, you know that?

BMM: Kupo.

::The Team 12 title card comes up. The two young men pictured are both well-groomed and clean-shaven. The driver is well-dressed and wearing a pair of sunglasses, but the navigator is only sporting a pair of boxer shorts with the words "Fuck Me" emblazoned across the crotch.

Napkins: Well, they say a picture`s worth a thousand words. And yet Team 12`s navigator leaves me speechless. How about that? Isn`t that a unique article of clothing?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Not with a THIRTY foot pole, even. Again we have an anonymous team here... so we`ll call the driver Uncompassionate Metrosexual, and the navigator we`ll call Wants-To-Be-Naked Man. Now we tried to interview this pair before the race started, but as it turns out these two bosom buddies aren`t much for dialogue.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Exactly. What more needs to be said, right?

::Team 13 scrolls over Team 12 from the left side of the screen. The picture is just of some guy, with scrolling green text displaying what could be technical readouts beside him.

Napkins: Team 13`s another lone driver, and again with the not having a name. But we do know he`s an experimental android from the Gate Dimension who`s on the run with an experimental piece of new experimental technology. Secret technology, even. Developed in secret. So we will call him Android Truck Driver. However, here at the Great Race, we`ve randomly decided to assign Android Truck Driver a navigator even though he didn`t register with one.

::a second portrait pops up, this time showing a beautiful young woman complete with her own set of green-text specs.

Napkins: Android Truck Driver, meet Aki, who is also on the run with an experimental piece of new experimental secret technology developed in secret. She`ll navigate you through the Great Race, and also help you with your stock portfolio! Now how about that? Isn`t that a match made in heaven?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yeah, I figured you`d say something like that. I did mention she`s an android, didn`t I?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well, I didn`t really think that would disuade you. But I had to try.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Right you are, Black Marker Moogle!!! Now it`s time to introduce our last -- but certainly not least -- team of contestants...

::Team 14 scrolls out onto the screen. It`s just one guy, in a straight jacket, with crazy spirally eyes and crazy hair, both of which indicate craziness.

Napkins: Meet James Anderson. James Anderson is schizophrenic.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: NO! That`s multiple personality disorder. Here at the Great Race on Tuna Sportsline, we seek to educate as well as entertain. Schizophrenia is not the same as multiple personality disorder: James Anderson does not have other people living in his head. He hears voices, which he attributes to other persons who do not exist, but these persons do not at any point assume control over James` body. We should be sensitive to the distinction there, especially in this modern age with our enlightened sensibilities and all that.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well, Mister Anderson didn`t even volunteer really. We kind of bought him from the institution that was housing him because we thought it`d be funny to let a crazy guy drive a big rig across the Web. And much like Team 2`s Candron, who has never known the touch of a non-illusory woman, James doesn`t have anybody to ride shotgun with him. Except for his friends, the Voices -- whom James believes are Celpo agents offering him instructions and missions and secret clues and whatnot. So that should be fun.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, you`re absolutely right, BMM. I would be remiss if I didn`t mention to our viewers in TV land that we`ve secretly planted two-way radio receivers and microphones in Team 14`s cabin, so that while James Anderson is driving along we here at the Great Race can mess around with him at our liesure. Good times.

::The graphics fade away, and we`re back with Marty Napkins and Black Marker Moogle standing before the great Archway.::

Napkins: Well, BMM, it`s almost time for Round One to begin. As we wait for the contestants to get underway, we`ll cut away live to Mike Stirling in our control room to explain for the audience at home exactly how Round One will play out. Mike?

::The screen wipes back to the CG of the Underside race course.::

Mike: Thanks, Marty. The Underside race course is a grueling, 40-mile mega-marathon around the edge of the disc of Kupopolis` underside. The race is mostly on foot, and the track itself is segmented so that each 5-mile stretch reflects one of the Quarters of the city above. Each stretch is fraught with peril, obstacles and assassins who will do their best to stop the contestants (or die trying). The contestants are permitted to use any manner of weapons they can carry with them against the defenders, but they may not turn their weapons against each other. Or else they will be disqualified. And shot. In the head. ... By me.

::As Mike introduces each stretch, graphical accompaniments play out on screen. The first stretch is a miniature forest, with trees and undergrowth lining a winding path::

Mike: The first stretch passes under the Elven Quarter, and here our contestants will have to fight their way through an artificial forest where Elven snipers and swordsmen lurk in among the trees. Because Elves like trees, I guess. The Elves here are all volunteers, though nobody`s informed them that the contestants are being instructed to fight back with lethal force. But that`s okay, because nobody really likes Elves anyway. Good fun watching our pack of fourteen crazies butcher their way through.

::The next stretch descends underground through a labyrinth of twisting caverns and mine shafts::

Mike: After the first stretch, the contestants will head underground as the track passes under the Dwarven Quarter. Here, the Great Race`s dwarven sappers have been hard at work laying all manner of deadly traps to impede our intrepid contestants. They`ve also set loose an armada of rabid gophers and aardvarks who will attack and kill anything they can get their burrowing little claws on.

::The camera flies through the maze of underground tunnels, occassionally assaulted by a poorly rendered aardvark or gopher. Then the path comes up into a graveyard.::

Mike: The next stretch is actually ten miles, as the race passes under the Demon and Dead Quarters. We were going to do separate stretches for these two Quarters of the city, but we ran out of time and got really lazy, so we just put Demon units in with the Undead and figured most people wouldn`t really care that much. And after many balance changes we found that this arrangement actually works better anyway. Really.

::Fly-through of the graveyard, and the path continues to a grassy plain.::

Mike: As the racers come out of the graveyard stretch, they will find one of our helpful Great Race attendants waiting for them, holding the reins of a chocobo. This five mile stretch will be a mounted race over the rolling hills, as the track moves under the Chocobo Quarter. But watch out, gentle racers! As you ride along, we`ll be firing soccer balls out of high-velocity soccer-ball cannons at you!!! Because that makes it more fun!!!! And we also might be flying high-speed radio-controlled planes into you!!! Because that, also, is fun!!!

::Fly-through the chocobo race course, all the while assaulted by soccer balls and R/C planes. After a while the hills become more rocky, and eventually the path dips through a wide canyon.::

Mike: Contestants will be allowed to keep their chocobos for as long as they can keep them alive as they progress into the next stretch of the Great Race, which takes them under the Giant Quarter. Contestants must hold to the path and run the entire canyon -- all the while being pelted by the Great Race`s gigan employees, who will rain down boulders and elemental magics upon them from above!! ::villainous laughter::

::Fly-through of the canyon, with CG boulders and little flashes of fire and ice and thunder sprinkling across the screen. The path slopes upward out of the canyon eventually, and enters into a fetid jungle marsh.::

Mike: The track`s next stretch passes under the Reptile Quarter. So here it is: the Forest that Time Forgot! Chock full of dinosaury goodness. Might be a fine time to sacrifice your chocobos as decoys.

::Fly-through of the swamp, replete with badly animated CG dinosaurs stomping by. The path then emerges into an open stretch.::

Mike: The final stretch passes under the Nu Quarter, and true to form there`s absolutely no trick here. Just run like hell and cross the line before your opponents do. But remember, it is 5 miles: so don`t shoot what`s left of your wad too early -- not that I heard anywhere that you were having problems like that at all, Marty.

::The camera flies through the last stretch, and comes back to the original starting point, where the trucks are waiting::

Mike: Contenders will mount up into their trucks as they cross the line, and drive toward the center of the Disc. Through the archway, and on to the next course.

::The trucks race toward the archway, and as they pass through, the scene scrolls left and we are with Marty Napkins and Black Marker Moogle again.::

Mike: Back over to you guys!

Napkins: Wow. Thanks Mike! You and your mom are both dirty whores. ::turns to Black Marker Moogle:: Sounds exciting, eh BMM?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Let`s check in with our contestants, who are gathering now at the starting point.

::Scene changes and we see the contestants gathered at the edge of the first stretch.::

Napkins: Now, for this round, only one member of each team need participate.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right, for most teams it`ll be the driver. There`s Team 1`s Arnie, looking out of shape as usual. Dude, check out that spare tire he`s carrying. ... Hey, BMM, what say we lay odds who doesn`t make it through Round One? I`ll give you five that Arnie bites it before he ever even sees a Chocobo.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: And here we have Team 2`s Candron. ... He seems fit enough to make the journey. But his truck-floating magic is useless in a footrace!! He is doomed to die with his cherry unpopped!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: ... Yes, I am aware guys don`t have hymens. I just wanted a new way to say he was a virgin. Geez, stop riding me, bitch.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yessir, that`s Bob of Team 11 -- holding little Tiffany`s head jar. While she talks to Team 14`s James Anderson. Always a good sign when the schizo and the cybernetic head-in-a-jar exchange pleasantries before the gruesome competition begins. Or so I`ve been told.

::cut to Team 5::

Napkins: Uh oh... what`s this!? Looks like we have a domestic dispute before the race has even begun!... Now, I`m being told by our observers who are live at the starting line that Team 5 is unable to decide who will take on the footrace. And it looks like they`re shouting at each other. ... and there goes our referee to settle the dispute... Can`t see what`s... Oh wait! Yes! Folks, it`s to be settled with a coin toss. How disappointingly non-violent...

::the referee tosses up the coin, and Mack and Conrad both call it in the air::

Napkins: ... And it`s... what is it? Well, I guess it doesn`t matter. From the look of things Mack won the toss.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Oh, really? You`re sure it was tails?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Tails, and Mack wins. Now folks, here`s the starting lineup as we know it: Team 1`s Arnie, Team 2`s Candron, Team 3`s Artie Toner, Team 4`s Ken, Team 5`s Mack, Team 6`s... ::pause:: Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that Dr. Feelgood has designated his Seraphim will run the footrace for him.

::We see the referees placing the 12" replica Seraphim action figure at the starting line::

Napkins: Well, it looks like Team 6 is out already. Maybe just as well, less clutter on the scoreboard. ::laughter:: Team 7 will be represented by Truck Driver 1 -- who, you`ll remember, has no navigator, so it`s all him anyway. Team 8 will run Truck Driver 2, Team 9 will run Creepy Graulemn, Team 10 will run ex-STORM (because it seems Crazy Truck Driver refuses to leave his truck, because he`s crazy), Team 11 will run Bob (who will be carrying little Ms. Head-In-A-Jar), Team 12 will be running Wants-To-Be-Naked Man, Team 13 will be running Android Truck Driver, and Team 14 will be running James Anderson (along with whichever among his assorted voices he wishes to bring along).

::We see the racers all assembling. They are holding assorted weapons, some of their own stock but others provided by the Great Race staff. We see Artie Toner prepping his Kuat rifle::

Napkins: See? What`d I tell you. Stolen Kuat arms. Artie`s makin` it through.

::One of the referees approaches the line with a starter pistol. He blows a whistle and the racers get into position, their weapons tucked at their sides, ready to blitz into the forest.::

Napkins: ::whispering:: Here we are, ladies and gentlemen. The calm before the st--

::the referee fires::

Napkins: Dammit. Fucking ref, busting in on my idiom like that.

::The racers charge into the forest. Immediately some of them set wide distances ahead of the pack: Android Truck Driver sprints ahead with phenomenal superhuman speed, followed closely by Creepy Graulemn, who is floating just above the ground, all creepy-like. Ex-STORM runs behind the Graulemn, wielding a sword in one hand and balled-up mana in the other. Candron follows behind, also wielding a sword but noticeably mana-less (since there are no trucks for him to float). Mack, Arnie and Artie are both packing automatic weapons; they proceed as cautiously as possible, their eyes trained on the undergrowth. Truck Driver 2 is carrying a sawed-off shotgun and moving just ahead of Mack, Arnie and Artie Toner, following behind Wants-To-Be-Naked Man, who is still wearing only boxer shorts   and is carrying a pair of pistols. He is prancing carelessly into the forest, tugging at the waist of his shorts (because he wants to be naked). Behind the gun-toters, James Anderson (wielding an x-acto knife), Bob (who can`t really carry any weapons so long as he`s lugging around the head-in-a-jar), and Ken (wielding the Hammer of Might) bring up the rear.

::Suddenly, the pack is totally passed by the Seraphim figurine, which it turns out Dr. Feelgood is controlling by remote. The little toy rockets past the pack on miniature wings and before long is hot on Creepy Graulemn`s heels.

Napkins: How about that!? Looks like Dr. Feelgood must sure... feel good... about himself now!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well, I tried at least. Still, that was pretty darn sneaky. Making us think he was crazy like that, and then turning out to be not crazy. Well, he`s still crazy, but...

::Android Truck Driver is almost through the first stretch by the time the Elves ambush the main pack of racers at the center of the stretch. Arrows pelt them, most falling harmlessly aside. This prompts a stream of shotgun and automatic weapons fire into the trees, which fell a trio of young Elf archers. Their bullet-masticated remains tumble to the forest floor in heaps of torn flesh and clothing. Anderson pounces on the dead elves, screaming and stabbing them maniacally with his x-acto knife.

::Ex-STORM, still at the head of the pack, is ready when a gang of young Elf swordsmen emerge from the bushes. Magical fire fans out from his left hand and torches the face of one of his attackers, while the sword in his right hand is set and ready to parry the incoming blow of another. Candron takes on one of the swordsmen, easily holding his own, while Ken, rushing up from the rear, smites one of the attackers on ex-STORM`s back with a devastating blow from the Hammer of Justice. Ex-STORM is just finding his fencing groove with one of the attackers when Naked Man prances out of the bushes behind the elf that ex-STORM is fighting, and guns him down point-blank. Seven slugs in his back later, the young elf crumples to the ground.::

Napkins: Looks like he just brought a gun to a sword fight! Literally!!

::a gong sounds::

Napkins: And it looks like Team 13 is still in the lead, as Android Truck Driver prepares to descend into the second stretch, with Team 9`s Creepy Graulemn close behind, and -- how do you like that? -- Team 6`s 12" Seraphim coming in at an astounding come-from-behind ascension to third place!! Meanwhile, the rest of the pack is still massacring its way through the first stretch. Oh, those poor elves!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right, BMM. I should mention that this portion of the Great Race is brought to you by Kuat. Whether you`re being mugged on the street or attacked in an artificial forest by underpaid Elf actors who aren`t aware that you`re using live ammunition, wouldn`t you feel safer knowing that you can trust your sidearm just like you trust Kuat™?

::cut to Truck Driver 1, who is still standing at the starting line::

Napkins: What`s this?? Truck Driver 1 hasn`t even started running yet, what gives??

::Truck Driver 1 takes a step, and then is gone::

Napkins: How about that!? Truck Driver 1 has spontaneously been completely erased from this reality!! Looks like that`s the end of Team 7...

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Huh? What`s that you say?

::Truck Driver 1 has appeared at the entrance to the second stretch. He takes another step, disappears... and then appears again at the entrance to the third stretch.::

Napkins: How about that!? Truck Driver 1 is cheating his way through the first round!! There goes Team 13`s impressive early lead, as Team 7 pulls ahead of the pack by way of the Boots of Far Walking!!!

::suddenly a hand comes down from the heavens, forms a fist, and smashes Truck Driver 1 dead at the beginning of the last stretch. For extra measure, the heavens then send down a million lightning bolts to strike the remains, and then leave the puddle of goo to burn with an eternal flame::

Napkins: How about that!? It would appear the Gods of Kupopolis still do not look kindly upon the use of teleportation. Oh well. Truck Driver 1 gets points for creativity from this reporter!... Or he would, if he weren`t irrevocably dead forever. In any case, this upsetting development leaves Team 7 with no members left, and so they are out of the running. How embarrassing for Truck Driver 1!... or, it would be if he weren`t irrevocably dead forever, with no manner of reincarnation or resurrection possible.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: And with that impressive display of Divine Wrath, Team 13 re-takes the lead!! Let`s see how Android Truck Driver is dealing with the subterranean perils of the second stretch...

::cut to the tunnels, where we see Android Truck Driver engaged in a life-or-death struggle with a giant rabid aardvark. The beast thrashes its thorny, serrated tongue and tears off some of the artificial flesh covering Android Truck Driver`s face. Android Truck Driver manages to lock its hands into a strangle-grip around the aardvark`s throat, and slowly begins to squeeze.
::Meanwhile, as Android Truck Driver and the ravenous ant-eating monster grapple with each other, the shadows all around them creep and move suspiciously.::

Napkins: How about that!?!? While Android Truck Driver is confronted with the very much substantial guardians of the second stretch, Creepy Graulemn is able to meld with the shadows themselves and bypass his competition entirely!!! Team 9 takes the lead!!!

::Cut to the entrance of the second stretch. The rest of the pack is only now descending into the tunnels. Many of the traps and guardians have already been disarmed or dealt with by Android Truck Driver, so the pack just follows his path of destruction.
::Meanwhile, the 12" Seraphim whizzes on ahead past the Android and the aardvark, and is about to pass out the exit of the mines when a clap-trap slides two stone walls together and smashes the little toy into smithereens.
::Cut to Dr. Feelgood, whose jaw has dropped. There are tears forming on the rims of his eyes.::

Napkins: How about that!? Looks like Dr. Feelgood... isn`t feeling good now!!!

::a gong sounds::

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: You said it, BMM. This is bad news for Team 6. They`re not out of the running yet, but Dr. Feelgood has a hard choice to make: he can either set out along the footrace now and try to catch up with the rest, or he can wait out the horrors of the race track and start on the truck race after the last driver has passed through the arch.

::cut to the referees talking to Dr. Feelgood. He is ranting and slobbering and flailing his arms uncontrollably and using many horribly unwielding polysyllabic words to express his boundless grief over what has happened.::

Napkins: Well, he doesn`t look like he`s made his choice yet... but the longer he waits the harder it`ll be to catch up with the other racers.

::A scoreboard graphic dissolves onto the screen::

Napkins: To quickly recap: the first place lead has fluctuated and changed hands three times already as this Great Race is just barely beginning. An early lead by Team 13 was stolen by Team 7`s teleporting Boots of Far Walking, which lasted for only a few seconds before the Gods got pissed off and killed Truck Driver 1 dead. Team 13 then recaptured its lead until Android Truck Driver was slowed down by a giant rabid aardvark, allowing Team 9 to creep into 1st place. So far, we have two casualties among the racers: Team 7 has been wiped out thanks to the intercession of the Gods, and Team 6 has lost its navigator, the surprisingly mobile 12" Seraphim figure, who was crushed and destroyed by one of the stonework traps in the mines. Guess it wasn`t really seraphim plastic after all, eh BMM?

BMM: Kupo.

::cut to the referees and Dr. Feelgood. He`s still raving maniacally and being all crazy-like.::

Napkins: Yep, and still no word on whether or not Dr. Feelgood is going to give the first round course a run of his own. I think he might end up waiting by default.

::cut to Creepy Graulemn, who is re-forming himself and exiting the mines. He floats ominously toward the entrance to the graveyard::

Napkins: And it looks like Team 9 is going to have some time to solidify its lead, as the rest of the pack deals with the last of the second stretch`s traps and guard-beasties.

BMM: Kupo.

::Creepy Graulemn flies unimpeded through the graveyard; no demons or undead rush out to assault him. In fact, those that see him wave hello and cheer him on.::

Napkins: Well how about that!?! This first round may be all locked-up: Team 9 is going to pass the entire length of the third stretch completely unmolested. Creepy Graulemn is really on his home turf in this stretch, wouldn`t you say, BMM?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s an edge that the other racers are going to have a very, very hard time overcoming.

::cut to Dr. Feelgood, who has armed himself with a huge axe and is prancing gaily through the first stretch`s artificial forest::

Napkins: And it looks like Dr. Feelgood is picking up right where his 12" radio-controlled sidekick left off. Except he has to start over from the beginning and is probably going to lose.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Well, on the plus side, the racers ahead of him have already dealt with all the obstacles he`d have to face in the first two stretches. But then again, he`s still ten miles behind everybody else and is probably going to lose.

::Cut to Android Truck Driver, who is sprinting at full speed out of the mine exit and is making his way through the graveyard::

Napkins: Well, here comes Team 13 again, trying to make up for lost time. Team 9`s got a free pass with the undead, but Team 13 still has a speed advantage. If Team 13 can avoid any run-ins with the third stretch`s guardians, he should be able to --

::A low tombstone, obscured by the mist, trips Android Truck Driver. He eats floor hard and skids forward, sending up a shower of sparks and tearing off his clothes and flesh-covering::

Napkins: D`ohhhh!!! How about that!?!? How embarrassing! He must feel like a stupid retard!! Did you see that?!? The loser tripped!!

BMM: Kupo.

::Cut to the pack. They`ve organized and are marching in a pre-determined order, with the gunners on point, followed by ex-STORM, Ken and Candron. The wimpy non-combat people are holding the rear. They emerge out of the mine and start to make their way into the graveyard::

Napkins: Well how about that!! Teamwork!! Who`d`ve thunk we`d see any of that in this game? I sure as hell didn`t. Did you?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yeah yeah, sure you did. Just keep your eyes on that Arnie guy. Remember: 5 to 1 says he bites it somewhere in the third stretch.

::cut to Dr. Feelgood, who has stopped to take a nap in the bushes::

::Cut back to the pack. Mack and Artie are mowing down a line of zombies, while Truck Driver 2 is burying the stock of his shotgun into the neck of a demon he`s felled. There is a loud snap and the beast moves no more. Ex-STORM is throwing out fire spells this way and that, setting rotten flesh ablaze.

Napkins: How about that!! Action! Fighting!! Violence!! How could this race possibly be anymore exciting!?!?

::cut back to Dr. Feelgood, who is now up and about and wandering around in circles in the forest. He`s chasing a butterfly.::

::Meanwhile, Android Truck Driver has regained his footing and is catching up to Creepy Graulemn near the exit of the graveyard.::

::the scoreboard re-appears::

Napkins: Since last re-cap, Team 9 has had a solid lock on its lead. Team 13 is gaining, but is still in second place. The rest of the racers have opted to move through the course as a group (for now), and are doing fairly well at laying low the dead and demons of the third stretch. But the distance between them and the leader, and the slow pace they`re keeping, could only be contributing to the eventual victory of the more selfish racers that are currently in the lead. ... And Dr. Feelgood probably shouldn`t be worrying about what he`s going to do when he wins the prize. Because he won`t.

::Cut to Creepy Graulemn, who has arrived at the chocobo stables. An aide hands him the reins, and the Graulemn mounts... but the chocobo withers and dies underneath him, killed by his dark touch.::

Napkins: How about that!?!? A stunning reversal!!! It seems that the Graulemn is now being given no free rides through the rest of the course -- in fact, now he gets no ride at all!! Once the pack clears the graveyard, they`ll easily outpace the Graulemn on their own chocobo mounts!!

::Creepy Graulemn sneers and lashes out against the aide, killing him instantly and tearing off his head with his shadowy tendrils.::

Napkins: Yikes. Sucks to be that guy!!

::Defiant, the Graulemn floats over across the hills, continuing the race::

Napkins: Now this, for me, is where the race starts getting fun.

::a volley of soccer balls launches at the Graulemn. With no shadows to hide in, the dark creature is powerless against the onslaught. He is pelted relentlessly, screeching plaintively as wave after wave of soccer balls pelt him and drive him to the ground::

Napkins: Now that`s what I call some nice balls!!

::Android Truck Driver comes to the stables and is given his mount. With a swift kick the bird is off and running, and a wave of soccer balls starts flying his way as well.
::The Android artfully dodges the soccer balls, even as his mount passes by the pathetic, crawling mound that is Creepy Graulemn -- who is still being mercilessly pounded into the very soil by an unflagging barrage of soccer balls.::

Napkins: How about that!?!? Team 13 has re-taken its lead! Again!!... Unfortunately, I don`t think anybody mentioned to Android Truck Driver that the radio-controlled planes have been modified with a certain chip that renders them invisible to mechanical detection...

::A flotilla of R/C planes, like homing missiles, rockets toward Android Truck Driver. He is completely oblivious to them as they strike him head-on, one after the other, creating little miniature concussive explosions and sending him soaring off his mount.::

Napkins: Ohhhhh!!!! And Android Truck Driver is down!! Let`s see if we can`t get that one on the instant slo-mo replay...

::cut to instant slow motion replay. We see the planes enter into the frame, then move slowly toward the Android. The explosion wipes the victorious smile off his mangled face and sends him spiralling backward -- Napkins rewinds and plays that part over and over and over again.::

Napkins: See? That`s why this is my favorite part. I love it.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Hmm. I dunno why our cameras can see the planes and the Android can`t. That`s a very good point. Don`t bring it up again.

::Cut to the pack. They`ve disbanded their unit at the edge of the graveyard and are now running to mount up.::

Napkins: And it looks like teamwork is now officially out the door, as the rest of the contestants are now getting their best shot at catching up with Round One`s dueling first-placers...

::cut to Dr. Feelgood, who is sitting indian-style inside the mine playing with the battered remains of his 12" Seraphim::

Napkins: Except for that guy. He`s probably going to lose.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Eh?... what do you mean Team 1`s not out? I never said they were.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: ... Oh. Ah damn. ... He did live, didn`t he? Well, too bad. You never agreed to the bet. So I`m not paying.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Hmm... well, when you put it that way, all right. I`ll pay. I guess it was worth an extra 1000 words...

::cut back to the pack, who are mounting up and racing across the field. The rain of balls upon the wailing Graulemn lets up, as some of the fire is re-directed at the newcomers.
::the Graulemn stands and roars, tearing off in the direction of the battery of soccerball cannons.::

Napkins: How about that!? The spankers, it seems, are about to become the spanked!!

::the soccer cannon guys start to panic. Some of them run from their posts screaming, while others start again to fire barrage after barrage at the Graulemn. The soccerballs slow him, but he begins to direct his magic at the cannoneers. As he attacks the only people providing an obstacle on the fourth stretch, the rest of the pack gallops unimpeded past his position.
::Meanwhile, Android Truck Driver is trying to mount up again, but another series of R/C planes smacks him upside his head and sends him tumbling down the hillside.::

Napkins: How about that!??! Holy Narcolic Non-Jesus!!! This race has gone from all-locked-up to TOO CLOSE TO CALL!!! Team 2... Team 1... Team 4... There is no leader!!!

BMM: KUPO!

Napkins: Eh? ... Whoa!! How about that!?!?

::cut to Dr. Feelgood, who has harnessed the engine pods of his destroyed Seraphim figurine and is now rocketing above the graveyard, attached to the tiny rockets by way of a leash made of string or something::

Napkins: The crazy Dr. Feelgood has saved himself from the brink of utter and abysmal humiliation and reclaimed a small shred of dignity!!! He might actually catch up now and be not-quite so badly laughed at!! Team 6 is moving steadily to reclaim its place with the pack!!

::cut to the pack. We see Truck Driver 2 pull up alongside Arnie the 40 year old virgin. With one deft motion, Truck Driver 2 aims his shotgun at Arnie`s chocobo`s leg and fires, blasting the limb into sauce. The bird squeals and pitches forward, throwing Arnie from the saddle and creating a pileup amid the pack. Truck Driver 2 claims the lead.::

Napkins: How about that!? He must have learned that snazzy move in the future!!... because he`s from the future, you know.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Technically, it wasn`t illegal. We only said they couldn`t use their weapons against each other. We never said they couldn`t use them against each others` chocobos.

::the pack stumbles to try and reclaim itself. Team 10 managd to break away from the pack before the pileup and went on unhindered. Team 12`s Naked Man is the first to get underway again, as he was near the rear of the pack when the pileup occured. Team 5`s Mack follows, with Team 14`s Anderson hot on his heels. Team 2, Team 4 and Team 3 bring up the rear. Team 1 is grounded, both because the chocobo isn`t running anytime soon and because Arnie`s sort of unconscious and maybe dead, and Team 11 is down for the moment as Bob gets up to chase after Tiffany`s head-jar, which is rolling down the hill away from him::

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yep, that`s quite a mess we`ve got going there. But the gist of it is, Team 8 and Truck Driver 2 is now in the lead, followed closely by Team 10`s ex-STORM and 12`s Naked Man running neck-and-neck. Mack and Schizo Anderson follow close behind, while Dr. Feelgood comes in from the outside and is now gaining on the pack. Creepy Graulemn is done torturing and maiming and killing the cannoneers and is moving to try and reclaim a spot among the finishers, but on foot he`s not getting far. And Android Truck Driver is only now starting to get back up after that last volley of invisible homing missiles. Down are Arnie (who isn`t moving a whole lot) and Tiffany (whose head is still rolling away).

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right, BMM. It`s been an exciting day so far -- I`ve gone to the bathroom in my pants twice from all this excitement! So now for you folks at home, we`re going to slow it down a little bit and take you to Mike Stirling at the finish line, where the co-pilots of our racers are eagerly awaiting the next round to begin. Take it away Mike -- you illiterate sheep-fucking transvestite.

::Cut to Mike, with the co-pilots sitting on the bleachers::

Mike: Thanks, Marty. You dickless tampon-collecting sphincter fiend. I`m here with the "other halves" of our teams out there on the field today -- the ones who didn`t get to butcher innocent elves, solve the timeless mysteries of the dwarven underground fun maze or trip over mist-obscured tombstones while running at 60 miles per hour. These are the unsung heroes of the Great Race`s Round One: the ones who watch with fretful anxiety as their beloved teammates brave danger, after danger, after danger. They are the ones who cheer from the sidelines, who provide the love and moral support that keeps the team keeping on. And yes, they are the ones who will be called upon to take up the cause -- as Dr. Feelgood was -- when tragedy strikes and little plastic men are crushed to death by huge blocks of unyielding concrete molded to look like natural stone.

Justin: ... What`s a sphincter fiend?

Mike: ::laughs:: Ah, the innocence of youth. ::pats Justin on the head::

Justin: I`m the Champion of the Goddess.

Mike: Sure you are, kid. ::strikes a thoughtful pose, with one leg folded over the other, propping up a yellow legal pad, while his right hand plays idly with a ball-point pen:: So... let me just throw this question out there, and whoever feels like it can pick it up: Seeing what you`ve seen so far, with the Round One footrace half over... would you choose to let your teammates go out there again, or would you insist on taking their place? Anyone? How about you? ::points at the Graulemn`s teammate::

Bloody Corpse: ::lies there::

Mike: Okay. Food for thought. Grist for the mill, perhaps. Conrad, you argued with your partner, Mack, over the privelege of going out there to face the gauntlet. Are you sorry he won that coin toss?

Conrad: Hell no. And he didn`t win -- I won. It was the loser had to go out there. I`m just fine with the result and, frankly, I hope the son of a bitch eats it.

Crazy Truck Driver: Hey, wait a minute... Didn`t your story end with a big touching "letting bygones be bygones" moment?

Conrad: ... Aren`t you supposed to be insane and running around in a forest fire?

Crazy Truck Driver: ::pause:: You know, Conrad... that`s a nice jacket you have on there...

Mike: Clearly, you all have some investment in how your teammate fares out there... and I`m not just talking about your stake in the Great Race. These are friends out there -- brothers, comrades... perhaps lovers?... How hard is it to watch people you care so deeply for out there risking their lives for the cheap thrill of a TV audience?

Aki: I don`t even know my teammate. I`m not even sure why I`m here, but I was told there`d be food.

Mike: Jules. Tell us how you feel about the hardships Artie has to endure for your stake in the race.

Jules: ... Uhh... we ain`t on TV now, is we? Cuz if`n we is, I`d like ta just say : HI MAW!!! LOOKA ME, I`M ON TEE-VEE!!! WOOOO!!! ::stands up and parades around shirtless::

Bloody Corpse: ::lies there::

Mike: We haven`t heard from some of our other co-pilots yet. How about you, Uncompassionate Metrosexual? Your friend Wants-To-Be-Naked Man is probably the most vulnerable of the contestants out there. He braves the perils of the gauntlet with no shirt, no shoes, no pants -- just a pair of thin, skimpy "fuck me" boxers. But let me ask you, Uncompassionate Metrosexual... how vulnerable do you feel sitting here watching that?

Uncompassionate Metrosexual: ::Runs his hand through his messy, sandy brown hair and looks down at his lap. He isn`t sure what to think, but he knows that the strange television man has somehow managed to see into what he was feeling. He looks down into the cup of deep, dark brown coffee, watches it swirl, like the ocean when it`s swirling, constantly swirling just like the feelings inside of him, and how he used to swirl when the mean boys at school would force his head into the toilet and push down the lever. Swirl, swirl. Swirl. Swirl. Was this television man with his brown hair and green eyes, and the dark blue blazer and brown pants with a green shirt and purple bowtie, was he pushing a lever now that was making him swirl?::

Bloody Corpse: ::slumps over, off the bleachers, with a plop::

Jules: ::moons the camera:: Wooooo-OOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Justin: What`s a fuck-me-boxers?

Mike: And there you have it, Marty. Candid confessions, from a brave crew of steadfast sideliners. For Tuna Sportsline. I`m Mike Stirling. Back to you. Cuntrag.

::Cut back to Marty Napkins and Black Marker Moogle::

Napkins: Thanks, Mike. You`re so full of shit we have to consider giving the shit top billing from now on. Well unfortunately for our Television audience the racers are all now nearing the finish line. Yes, the last stretch with the pre-historic swamp passed rather uneventfully during that interview segment. You see one thing we here at the Great Race didn`t anticipate was that dinosaurs are cold blooded. So during race prep we didn`t consider they`d need some source of heat in order to stay alive and, in point of fact, they all died about a week ago. Sorry. But don`t worry, the man in charge of checking on the dinosaurs has been sacked. And shot in the head. By me.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, you`re quite right, BMM. Let`s quickly update the scorecard as Round One comes to a disappointingly anti-climactic close.

::scorecard reappears::

Napkins: Stretch three left us with an incredibly dramatic struggle to overtake the irrepressive leaders of the footrace, Android Truck Driver and Creepy Graulemn. However, the chocobo fields proved to be the great equalizer, and saw for the first time in this competition both Teams 13 and 9 dropping out of the top 10 racers. Team 1 has been dropped from the First Round, as Arnie the 40 year old virgin was felled by Truck Driver 2 and has lapsed into a coma. Arnie`s co-pilot, the V1 pilot droid, will be allowed to commence in the truck race portion of the competition after the last finisher from Round One has passed through the archway. And Team 7 is still wiped out by God.

::scorecard goes away somewhere::

Napkins: As the last bit of this exceptionally boring last segment of the footrace concludes, we go live via satellite to Heaven to get a reaction from Truck Driver 1 on his removal from the race by a Divine Mandate. Truck Driver 1? Are you there?

::Truck Driver 1 appears on a TV monitor. Behind him are swirling clouds and chorusing angels, and a cast of unused god and goddess characters running around marrying each other::

Truck Driver 1: Uhh... where am I?

Napkins: You`re dead.

Truck Driver 1: ... Huh? I`m what?

Napkins: You`re dead! Tell me, how do you feel?

Truck Driver 1: I`m dead!? The fuck? How did that happen?

Napkins: You were teleporting, and some God or other didn`t like that. So he smote you!!

Truck Driver 1: ... Smote me? Then why am I in heaven?

Napkins: ::thinks about it:: Oh. Right. Good point!

::Truck Driver 1 falls off screen with a horrible scream. A tongue of flame licks up into frame, blazing where Truck Driver 1 was standing::

BMM: Kupo!!

Napkins: And just in time, too!! It looks like first finishers are just crossing the finish line and getting into their trucks... Truck Driver 2 and ex-STORM are off their mounts and rushing toward their rigs. Crazy Truck Driver has already started the engine and is ready to tear off... Next here comes Artie Toner... Creepy Graulemn... Android Truck Driver... Dr. Feelgood, finishing sixth if you can believe that!!... Naked Man and Mack... Candron... and Schizo Anderson... and how about that? Pulling up the rear is Bob with little Tiffany`s head!!

::The racers all pile into their trucks and tear off toward the arch. The rigs rumble and shake as the drivers and passengers in the cabins glare menacingly at each other.
::One by one they pass through the archway, and each time it shimmers and whizzes them away to some far-off destination. The Great Race has begun!!::

Napkins: Okay, little robot. You can start your engine now.

V1 Droid: ... Thank you... I guess...

Napkins: Welcome back! For those of you just tuning in, I`m Marty Napkins, and with me as always is my cohost, Black Marker Moogle.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Before we move on with coverage of the next round of the Great Race (already in progress), let`s go over to Mike Stirling, who sells his naked pictures to closeted boarding school boys over the internet. He`s going to explain exactly where the next segment of the Great Race is taking place, and what the course will consist of. Take it away, Mike... you crackwhore pedophile.

Mike: Thank you, Marty. I`m sure all those women you`ve violated with your hidden upskirt toilet cameras won`t press charges when they realize how deeply, profoundly sick you are. Right now, we are in the Carrion Dimension. Which, as you and I both know, Marty, is a part of the Core. We are in the Republic of West, in fact, and the course we have selected takes the form of this lattice work of canyons.

::cut to graphics, displaying an overhead map of the network of canyons::

Mike: Now, the archway at Underside has started each of the drivers who passed through it at a different point at the southern end of the canyon. All points are, in terms of distance, equidistant from the end point. However, there is no straight-line path through the canyons to reach the end. Drivers will be taking many turns, perhaps retracing their steps, and maybe even getting their big rigs stuck between the narrow canyon walls. This course is truly the test to pit against each driver`s mettle and skill with his rig: only the very best are going to emerge as top finishers and move on to the next course. Back to you, gooey panties. I mean, Marty.

Napkins: Thanks douche monkey. Well, the race is well underway. And it appears that all bets are now off as of the end of Round One.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s exactly right. We have no clear leader, and no clear losers yet. Just a bunch of angry truck drivers stuck in a maze of canyons and very little room to maneuver. Creepy Graulemn has just about destroyed his truck: he`s had to shed the trailer and is now limping along with two of his back tires sheared off. One more misguaged turn and I`m afraid Team 9 is out of the running.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: You`re absolutely right, BMM! Once again, Dr. Feelgood has surprised us all!! His truck has actually gone airborne and is circling the maze looking for the exit. This begs the question: is this an illegal maneuver, and should we shoot him out of the sky and make sure he`s dead by continuing to shoot him as he goes down? For answers to this and many more questions, I am being forced by my producer to communicate with Mike Stirling, our resident contest rules expert, even though I know that listening to his voice is detrimental to my intellectual and mental health. Hello again Mike.

::Mike appears inserted at the lower left corner of the screen, live by satellite from Carrion::

Mike: Good to be here, Marty. Can we make it quick? I`ve got a date with your wife in about an hour.

Napkins: Well, I guess I was right about her going lesbian... Anyway, Mike... flying trucks? Is this in the rules anyplace? How can we possibly adjudicate this bizarre and unforseen twist in the way the Great Race is unfolding?

Mike: Well, asshole, this reminds me of that time in the last post when Truck Driver 2 blew off the legs of Arnie the 40 year old virgin`s chocobo.

Napkins: Ah yes. One of the greatest moments in television history.

Mike: Yes. Yes it was. But no time to reminisce, Marty: the precedent that event set should be very evident here, along with its relevence to this instance of potential rules infraction.

Napkins: Well why don`t you go ahead and explain it, then, for the 0.001% of our audience out there that`s got even more brain damage than you do.

Mike: I`d be happy to, pissbucket. In the case of Arnie the 40 year old virgin V. Truck Driver 2, the judges clearly came down on the side of the defendant because he did not actually break any of the rules. We had stipulated, quite plainly, at the outset of Round One that weapons were not to be used against other contestants. Truck Driver 2 did follow this rule, because his weapon was used against another contestant`s chocobo. And not even the whole chocobo: just its legs. Thus, over the course of the last thirty minutes, this has come to be known in legal circles as "the chocobo`s legs" defense. Its application here is as follows: we never, ever stipulated that trucks need stay within the canyons in order to proceed to the next round. We merely presumed that all contestants would abide by the pre-existing laws of gravity. But within the context of the rules, gravity can`t be taken as a given. Therefore, technically, by not being expressly forbidden, Dr. Feelgood`s breaking of the law of gravity does not constitute an infraction of the rules of the Great Race. QED.

Napkins: So... that means we can`t shoot him down?...

Mike: Afraid not, pussyfart.

Napkins: Well, okay. Your reasoning is about as loose and poorly composed as your mother was last night, but I`m sure those in the audience who are as drunk and desperate as I was won`t be very discriminating. Thank you for helping us out with that, Mike.

Mike: My pleasure. Hope that operation goes well for you -- and I don`t care what your wife says, you`ll look great with tits. I support you all the way.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, BMM. Mike Stirling is a very special kind of jerk. The kind they have linguists working round the clock to come up with a new word that`s superlative enough to describe said jerkishness appropriately. But let`s get back to the race. It appears that Dr. Feelgood has found the maze exit, but is having trouble maneuvering his truck back into the canyon.

BMM: Kupo.

::cut to shot of Dr. Feelgood`s flying space-truck trying desperately to maneuver back into the canyon. Passes once, scrapes against the canyon lip, backs away and veers out wide to make another pass... and again, to no avail.::

Napkins: ::laughs:: You know, I can only imagine the awful, awful things that crazy little man is screaming inside the cabin of that magnificent space truck right now... can`t even conceive of how frustrated he might be that his brilliant scheme to cheat outside the canyon maze has hit such a brilliant snag... but I still can`t help but laugh. That`s funny.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: My goodness, you`re right. Ladies and gentlemen (and those of you somewhere in between, like Mike Stirling), it appears little Tiffany Lang has spotted Dr. Feelgood circling above the maze and used her computerized little girl brain to triangulate the position of the maze exit. Way to go, little Tiffany! That`s what I call usin` your head!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: ... Yes, I suppose you would need a third point to triangulate something... But shut up and don`t embarrass me like that on live TV again.

::shot of Tiffany`s cyber-truck speeding down one of the maze`s straight-aways::

Napkins: Of course, she`s still got to find her way there amid all the twists and turns and dead-ends, but Tiffany is certainly looking the best out of all the racers who opted not to fly their space-trucks above the maze.

::cut to Team 3`s truck; Artie and Jules are arguing. One of their front tires has blown::

Napkins: Oh no!! Tragedy has struck for Team 3... looks like they`re going to be grounded for a while. You know, I wonder if the Auto Club has a chapter nearby...

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: By golly you`re right!! Team 1`s V1 Pilot droid has also used Dr. Feelgood`s aerial antics to... di-angulate... the exit`s location. And he`s gunning for it... and it looks like...

::aerial shot of Team 1`s truck speeding down a curving maze path... quick pan right to Tiffany`s truck, which is speeding up the other end of the curve. Neither truck can see the other because of the turn::

Napkins: Awesome!! Looks like we`re gonna have our first crash of the race!!

::The V1 droid spots Tiffany`s truck just before the impact and tries to veer away. Tiffany`s truck plows into the side of the Team 1 cabin, impacting right on the external fuel tank. There is a massive explosion and Tiffany`s truck jackknifes.::

Napkins: Ooooooooohhhhhh, the mayhem!!! For a quick check on the crash specifics, let`s talk to a man who as we speak is wearing ladies` undergarments. Mike? Over to you.

Mike: Thanks Marty. Your sister says "hi," and you`re late with your child support payments.

::specs of the two crashed trucks fade on screen::

Mike: Well as you can see from these technical readouts... Team 11`s truck was built much tougher than Team 1`s. The Team 11 truck is a state-of-the-art Esperian-made vehicle, powered by an internally-housed Magilyte engine... its cabin is triple-reinforced, and completely enclosed with no glass windows or obvious doors. In fact the only exit or entrance is the top hatch, which is where you plug in little Tiffany`s head. Compare that to Team 1`s truck, which is about 15 years old, is of Scandian make and has an external petroleum fuselage, and has a cabin that is lined with highly flammable foam insulation. Basically Team 1`s truck is a fiery deathtrap on wheels, and Team 11`s truck is an 18-wheel King Leo tank.

Napkins: So, little Tiffany`s okay?

Mike: Yes, most likely she`s fine. But the V1 pilot droid is probably due for a date with your friendly neighborhood scrap heap.

Napkins: I see.

::cut back to a shot of the accident. Tiffany`s truck is struggling to extract itself from the wreckage, but it`s jammed solid::

Napkins: Looks like little Tiffany`s stuck.

Mike: Reminds me of something that happened between me and your mother last night, Marty!

Napkins: Mike, we already did the "I slept with your mother" schtick.

Mike: Oh, we did?

Napkins: Yeah, we did.

Mike: Sorry, I forgot. ... You asshole!

Napkins: Nice recovery.

Mike: ... Back to you, Marty.

Napkins: Let`s have a quick check on the scoreboard.

::scoreboard appears::

Napkins: Only Team 7 failed to make it past the First Round, and thus far the Second Round appears to be the Great Eliminator. Team 3 is having tire trouble, and Team 1 has been wiped out in a fiery explosion caused by a head-on collision with Team 11. Little Tiffany`s A-OK, we think, but her truck`s inextricably jammed into the smoldering wreckage of Team 1`s truck.

::quick cut to the wreckage. Two figures are creeping up behind Team 11`s truck::

Napkins: Oh oh oh!! What`s this!?!?... it appears someone`s taking advantage of Little Tiffany`s sticky situation... it`s Team 3!!!! Artie and Jules!! What are they up to??

::Artie and Jules begin working to remove one of the tires from the tractor of Tiffany`s rig::

Napkins: How about that!? Those sneaky sons of bitches!!! Looks like Team 3`s not quite out of the running yet. Let`s see how Dr. Feelgood is doing...

::Dr. Feelgood`s truck keeps circling around, slowly spiralling toward the maze. Then we see the truck cab shake, a puff of smoke rise out of the exhaust stacks, and then a high-pitched scream as the truck drops out of the sky::

Napkins: Uh oh!!! Looks like all that flying around caused the space truck to exhaust its fuel reserves!!! Must take a lot of gas to keep a space truck flying.

:: the truck slams into the canyon and explodes magnificently.::

Napkins: You know, after all we`ve been through together, I`m kind of sad to see Dr. Feelgood end like this.

::shot of the wreckage. We see a figure scrambling out of the flaming wreck, running around the canyon on fire and screaming::

Napkins: Well how about that!? Dr. Feelgood isn`t dead!! Hey look, here comes Team 9!!

::Creepy Graulemn`s truck speeds toward the wreckage. The truck slams into Dr. Feelgood and then plows through the flaming debris of his truck. Dr. Feelgood is thrown into the canyon wall. As Team 9 passes, Dr. Feelgood peels off the wall all cartoon-like and plops on the canyon floor::

Napkins: ... Ow! He`s gonna be feeling that in the morning!!

::Dr. Feelgood stands up. He takes a few timid, dizzy steps. Then he shoots a thumb`s up to the camera::

Napkins: Well how about that!! He`s okay, folks. Hey, here comes Team 13!!

::Android Truck Driver`s rig speeds toward the wreckage, hot on Creepy Graulemn`s tail. Dr. Feelgood grimaces as the rig smashes into him, knocking him over. The truck rolls over the crazy space truck driver and then follows Team 9`s path through the wreckage::

Napkins: Ohhhh!!! Man. What punishment!! What abuse!! What a horrible, awful way to die!!!

::Dr. Feelgood twitches. He slowly begins to crawl, trying to come up onto his knees::

Napkins: Oh the torturous pain!!! He`s still alive, folks!! Still alive!! ... Hey look, here comes Ken and Justin with the Team 4 truck!!

::Dr. Feelgood sees the truck coming, and frantically tries to crawl out of the way faster, but Ken sees him sprawled out on the path and swerves to take him out. The Team 4 rig squashes him as it plows on by::

Napkins: Ohhh... and the Heroes of the Goddess give Dr. Feelgood a little Hammer of Justice action!! Ouch!!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right, BMM. It looks like Creepy Graulemn`s found the way out, and everybody`s playing follow the leader... they`re moving in a steady line toward the exit, single file. And poor Dr. Feelgood is right in the way!!

::shot from above of the line of trucks running over Dr. Feelgood, one by one::

Napkins: While the contestants make their way out of the maze, let`s check the final score for Round Two...

::scoreboard comes up::

Napkins: Team 1 is now officially wiped out, but it looks like we may also be saying goodbye to little Tiffany Lang as well, as she seems unable to extricate her truck from the wreckage. Sad break, little head-girl. Looks like your life just sucks, and you`ll be spending the rest of it trapped at the base of a canyon. Team 3`s resourcefulness allowed them to recover from a flat front tire at the expense of one of Tiffany`s spares. Meanwhile, after an attempt to be sneaky and circumvent the maze, Dr. Feelgood`s poor piloting skills ended up costing him his rig. So for the moment, it appears Dr. Feelgood is out of the running -- but you know, we`ve seen quite a few surprises in this Great Race so far, so I wouldn`t quite rule out crazy ol` Dr. Feelgood`s making yet another surprise comeback. And also, Team 7 is still destroyed by the Hand of God and no longer in the running.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yes, let that be a lesson to all those of you out there who are keen to try teleportation. Don`t teleport. Ever.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Welcome back!! For those of you just tuning in, I`m Marty Napkins, and with me as always is my co-host, Black Marker Moogle.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: We`re here at round three of the Great Race, and this is where we start to change things up a bit. For details on where exactly we are and what we`re doing here, we go live to Mike Stirling, who is soliciting sexual favors from little mole people in the Dragon Dimension. Mike?

::cut to shot of Mike, standing in an arid, rocky stretch of badlands::

Mike: Thanks, Marty. And by the way, I can`t even tell those are hair plugs. Well we`re here on the blasted plains of Gramor in the Dragon Dimension, where we`ve leased a plot of land from the Scandian League for use in this excitng round of the Great Race.

Napkins: That reminds me: this portion of the Great Race is sponsored by the Scandian League. The Scandian League: we`ll kill all you capitalist pigs and make your children grow up Communist!™ ... Back over to you, Mike.

Mike: As you can see behind me, this probably isn`t the best piece of real estate in all of Dragon. Which makes it perfect for our purposes, because the course is littered with old Scandian military waste. Undetonated ordnance, land mines, highly toxic barrels of used motor oils, and so forth. Normally this isn`t too much of a problem, because all the people in Gramor live underground in expansive networks of tunnel dwellings.

Napkins: But Mike, doesn`t the chemical waste from all those weapons seep into the earth, get into the groundwater and affect horrible long-term ailments upon the people who rely on that water to live?

Mike: Aha, you`re absolutely right, Marty.

Napkins: See? Educate, as well as entertain.

Mike: So what of it?

Napkins: No, I`m just saying. It holds absolutely no bearing on our next destruct-astic round of the Great Race! Please, do continue.

::cut to a graphic displaying the overhead map of the race. Little truck icons start moving across it; some of them exploding as they do::

Mike: The objective is fairly straightforward here: get to the other side and pass through the archway to the next course. Of course, here at the Great Race, it`s never really that simple. Those munitions are probably going to pose a problem for our drivers, especially the landmines. We may be saying goodbye to some very dear friends before this stretch is through. Back to you, Marty.

::cut to the archway at the starting line as the racers begin to file through::

Napkins: Thanks, Mike. Well it looks like Round Three is underway. Team 9 and Team 13 are at it again, running neck-and-neck for the lead, heedless of the danger in their path. Team 2 is coming on just behind them and -- wait just a minute, can we get a closeup on Team 2`s truck?

::close up; Team 2`s truck is hovering just above the ground as it speeds along::

Napkins: Well how about that, folks!? Candron`s truck-floating spell came in really handy!! Who could have foreseen that!?!?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Shut up.

::Team 14`s truck plows ahead of the pack and is coming up side-by-side with Team 9::

Napkins: Hmm. Looks like James Anderson`s lost it. He`s pulled up alongside Creepy Graulemn and is shouting obscenities at him.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Quite right, BMM. What Anderson doesn`t know is that the "voices" which are telling him to say those awful, provocative things to Creepy Graulemn are actually our sound engineers, Chris and Susan Thompson. Say hi to the folks at home, guys!

::inset of Chris and Susan in the studio, howling and making funny voices into a pair of microphones. they wave at the camera::

::shot of Creepy Graulemn, whose creepy glowing eyes narrow. He extends a hand and points it at Anderson, and Anderson suddenly bursts into flames -- black flames!! He screams and his truck swerves this way and that, finally slamming into the side of the Team 9 truck. Team 9 swerves and jackknifes, carried forward by Team 14`s momentum, as they both skid and scrape toward an unexploded missile warhead jutting out of the earth.::
::massive explosion!!!::

Napkins: Ohhhhh!!!! And the course claims its first victims!!! Teams 9 and 14 are GONE!!!!

::shot of Bloody Corpse being thrown from the wreckage, landing and rolling in a flurry of spinning limbs and spilling blood. As it comes to a stop, the body begins to twitch. Then it stands, and we can plainly see a light glowing faintly from its eyes::

Napkins: Well how about that!?!? Creepy Graulemn has possessed the bloody corpse of his navigator!!!

::Team 12`s truck -- a day-glow green HAZ MAT truck -- plows into Bloody Corpse and sends bloody corpse pieces everywhere::

Napkins: Ohhhh!!!!!!... Well, I guess that`s a good thing. I mean he was evil, and all. Nice job, Uncompassionate Metrosexual!! I salute you!!!

::Team 12`s truck hits a landmine and explodes::

Napkins: Yeeeessssh... The body count`s piling up.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yeah, you said it. And how!! Out of 14 starters we have seven left -- WAIT!!! What`s that!?

::shot of the archway, and Tiffany`s truck comes screaming out at incredible speed. We see Dr. Feelgood sitting inside the open hatch, hooting and hollering::

Napkins: Well how about that!? It looks like Dr. Feelgood and Little Tiffany Lang have teamed up!! The crazy doctor appears to have not only helped extricate Tiffany`s truck from the wreckage, but also suped it up a little so now it`s a super duper fast truck of some kind.

::Tiffany`s truck pulls up next to Team 2`s truck. Dr. Feelgood, with a knife clenched between his teeth, hops up on top of the cab and then leaps over onto Team 2`s truck. Candron starts swearing and swerving as Dr. Feelgood starts to stab at the driver`s side window with his knife::

Napkins: Looks like Dr. Feelgood`s trying to truck-jack the competition!!

::Illusion Girl floats out her window and comes up on top of the truck cab. She comes over to the edge of the cab and starts kicking Dr. Feelgood in the head with her stiletto heels::

Napkins: Oh my!!! Dr. Feelgood seems to have been set on this earth only to feel enormous amounts of pain!!

::the pointed heels of the illusory woman find their way into Dr Feelgood`s eye. He screams and begins to bleed profusely, and while he`s distracted Candron slams open the door and flings Dr. Feelgood off. The crazy doctor hits the ground hard and starts to roll, being shredded by the rocky earth::

Napkins: Poor guy. Ohh... Poor, poor guy.

::Candron turns his attention back to the road, but only too late: his truck hits a conveniently ramp-shaped rock and jumps, with added propulsion from the springy-action of the floatation spell. The truck spins through the air and dumps Candron out his open driver side door. He tumbles to the earth and the truck lands, upside down, on top of him, exploding.::

Napkins: Oh Candron... we hardly knew ye. Rest in peace, rhyming truck-floating man. May there be plenty of rhymes and truck-floating spells waiting for you in the afterlife.

::Dr. Feelgood twitches again, and pulls his bloody torso up off the broken earth. He looks up with his one-eyed gaze just in time for Team 3`s truck to slam into him. He clings to the bumper and is dragged along, his legs and lower quarters scraped against the hard earth::

Napkins: Oh my!!! My my my!!! Dr. Feelgood just doesn`t know when to quit does he!?!? Well, the field just got even more narrow, as Team 2 suffered explosion and elimination. Left in the running are Team 3, Team 4, Team 5, Team 8, Team 10, Team 11 and Team 13. With the elimination of Team 2 and the surprise return of little Tiffany, that keeps us at seven contestants left in contention for the prize. Maybe eight if you don`t rule out Dr. Feelgood yet; he could still have some surprises left in him as he clings desperately to the Black Heart Gang`s bumper.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s absolutely right, BMM... there`s not much time left for him to spring such a surprise, if it`s there to spring. The treacherous and deadly mine field is almost over for the better part of the pack... and Team 3`s late start due to tire trouble leaves them lagging behind. So Dr. Feelgood`s going to have to --

::there is an explosion as Team 3`s truck hits a mine and explodes. There`s no sign anywhere of Dr. Feelgood::

Napkins: Six contestants left as Dr. Feelgood finally bites the dust, along with Artie Toner and Jules of Team 3!!! Wow. What an exciting race, folks!!!

Napkins: Welcome back to the final course in the Great Race! It`s been an exciting journey thus far, but here we are at the end. The winner of this race will be returned to Underside to claim his reward, while the losers will all be executed by firing squad!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Of course I mentioned it to them at the start of the race. ... I think? Well, it doesn`t matter anyway. Mike Stirling, you`re dumb. Tell us about this next course.

::cut to Mike, standing on a beach in Esper::

Mike: Thanks, Marty. You`re ugly. This leg of the race is really really easy. It`s a stretch of open road on a closed off trucking route in the Esper Dimension. Winner is the first one who can move all the way up the Serpent Trench ahead of the others and pass through the archway. And as you say, the loser can look forward to a blindfold and maybe a last cigarette, if we don`t run out.

::displays a map of the route, from Mobliz up to Nikeah along a stretch of highway::

Mike: Anything goes in this round, Marty. And with just six contestants left, I`m sure anything will go!... whatever that means. Back to you, stupid-head.

Napkins: Thanks, dork. Android Truck Driver is already ahead of the pack, having only solidified his lead following Creepy Graulemn`s grizzly double-death. Mack and Conrad are closing fast on him in the Team 5 rig, followed by Team 4`s Ken and Justin.

::Mack`s rig side-swipes the Team 13 rig, sending up a shower of sparks as the two rigs` tires scrape against each other::

Napkins: Here comes little Tiffany from the outside, taking the opportunity to pass Teams 5 and 13 on the shoulder.

::Team 11 shoots up across the shoulder, and Team 5 swerves to knock her away but just barely misses. Team 13 cranks up into high gear and starts to pass Team 5, but Mack swerves back and knocks into the trailer. Android Truck Driver`s trailer swings wide and throws the truck out of control, spinning it off the roadside and into the dirt where it grinds to a slow halt::

Napkins: Ooooh!! And Team 13 spins out!! He`s not out yet but it`ll be pretty hard to reclaim the top spot from the side of the road.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right, BMM. Special accomodations will have to be made for that guy`s firing squad.

::Team 4 comes up behind Team 5 and bumps them. And a second time. Team 5 starts to swever evasively, but Ken takes advantage of this and follows Team 11`s maneuver off the shoulder.::

Napkins: Looks like the Heroes of the Goddess are trying to place in the top three!! With Crazy Truck Driver coming up behind them, Android Truck Driver lagging off the roadside... and here comes Truck Driver 2!! There`s little room to maneuver on this simple two-lane road, so Little Tiffany`s lead should be safe for a while. But anything can happen, folks, anything can happen...

::Crazy Truck Driver`s rig spins out and flies off the roadway, bursting into flames. Crazy Truck Driver and ex-STORM emerge from the flames, fighting over ex-STORM`s jacket::

Napkins: Oh, that Crazy Truck Driver. He`s so... crazy!!

::the race course crosses a bridge next. The racers all shoot across it, with Team 13`s rig closing fast on the rear of the pack::

Napkins: And here comes Android Truck Driver... he just might reclaim his groove after all!!

::suddenly the Team 13 truck swerves and flies off the bridge, plunging into the water::

Napkins: ... Or not.

::Truck Driver 2 comes up behind Team 4 and bumps them. He bumps again, but then somehow his truck catches on fire and then explodes.::

Napkins: What the hell!?!?... well that was strange. OH MY GOD HOW EXCITING!!! Three contestants left and ONLY THIRTY MINUTES LEFT TO DEADLINE!!!!

::Team 4 is running neck-and-neck with Team 11. The Heroes of the Goddess are sticking out their tongues and making faces at Tiffany`s rig, but cybernetic little girl head does not respond. Suddenly, Team 11`s truck swipes Team 4 and sends them carreening off the road. There`s a dam that the truck flies into, exploding, but luckily both Ken and Justin leapt to safety and were completely   unhurt.::

Napkins: Oh, thank goodness. It would surely suck if children were somehow harmed during the progression of the Great Race.

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: Yep. But now they`ll probably get the firing squad anyway. Now it`s all up to Mack and Conrad and Crazy Little Tiffany. Who will win the prize!?!? WHO!?!?!?

::suddenly a cadre of Nikeahan police cruisers pull into the highway. They start blaring their sirens as they tail the Team 11 truck
::Little Tiffany goes berserk, swerving this way and that. Conrad Guster, sensing opportunity and eager to help out his comrades, draws his service pistol and takes aim through the hatch that Dr. Feelgood left open. He takes a shot and shatters the head jar, sending the rig spinning off the side of the road.::

Napkins: Well how about that!? Conrad Guster just done killed himself a dead-and-cybernetically-reanimated little girl!! And more than that, with all contestants dead or eliminated, that makes Team 5 the winner!!

::Conrad turns on Mack and shoots him in revenge for his dead son!! The truck spins out of control and rolls off the side of the road, exploding in a big ball of flame!!!!::

BMM: Kupo...

Napkins: Well. Yes. I guess that`s the end of it. But you know what that means?

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: That`s right!!! The Heroes of the Goddess are still alive and farther up the track than their nearest living opponents, so RAWLEY WINS!!!!

BMM: Kupo.

Napkins: You said it, BMM, my sentiments exactly. Well, this sure was an exciting and, at times, poorly contrived event. I surely hope you`ve enjoyed it ladies and gentlemen. Before we round up the survivors to execute them by firing squad and roll credits, I`d just like to thank the team that brought you the Great Race. Thanks to Black Marker Moogle, of course, my witty and humorous co-host... and to Mike Stirling, renowned prick and our on-the-scene correspondent. Thanks to sound engineers Chris and Susan Thompson for messing with James Anderson`s head, and of course my producer, who I`m too lazy to name. Finally I`d like to thank Dr. Feelgood for providing me with hours of gruesome entertainment, and the rest of the characters from this year`s Iron Writer, both those who participated in the Race and those who chose (wisely) to stay at home. Once again, I`m Marty Napkins. This has been Tuna Sportsline`s presentation of the Great Race. Thank you, and good night.

::credits roll::