The Rainbow Connection
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
The Rainbow Connection
a play in three acts by a mildly retarded Scandinavian who can`t find his pants
Dramatis Personnae
Narrator, a mildly retarded Scandinavian who can`t find his pants, first seen in the wildly popular "Don`t Scare Him, Moggie" by Michael LeMay.
D-Rok, a Computer Scientist.
Cornfed, a talking pink dodgeball.
XSonic, the hero with the head of MegaMan X and the body of Sonic Hedgehog.
Drunk Moogle, a drunken, surly moogle who was once mayor of moogle town.
Ted Tuna, a fish.
Message Box, a message box.
The Divine Miss J, a hotchick.
Hannibal, a late night television host.
Penguin, a giant penguin with a taste for fish.
Gingivere, a large talking cat.
Drone, a mindless AOL drone.
UL, the all-father, God of Gods.
Gun, a gun.
Jenny Pagen, a witch.
The Dauphin, a french frog prince.
ExDeath, a video game final boss.
Enough extras to play two mobs, unless the regular actors can be coerced into playing those parts.
Note: I have included two midi files, linked at the appropriate times, which you may enjoy listening to. Thank you for your time.
Act I, scene i
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act I - The Trouble with Girls
scene i
[curtain rises, revealing a modestly appointed apartment living room. The focal point is an ungodly large television, in front of which is a couch, on which sits a tall bald guy and an incredibly hot chick. They are playing Madden2k1, and the hotchick is winning by several magnitudes. Several open bottles of liquor litter the room, in various states of emptiness. The Narrator stands in the background, uneven hair dyed bright red, a strange blue and black ring on his left index finger]
D-Rok.
I`ve kind of lost faith in the electoral system.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Not this again, dork. Can`t you see I`m trying to get drunk and beat your ass so bad that you begin to question your very manhood?
D-Rok.
You know, at least Sliver just punches me a lot. You`re really mean.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
I`m crying, really.
[silence, punctuated by the tapping of keys on controllers]
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
So what`d your beef with the electoral system?
D-Rok.
Well, I understand why it was created in the first place. It made sense, two hundred years ago, right? The founders were nervous about there being thirteen different candidates for president, and the vote fracturing locally due to an under informed voting public, and the difficulty in each candidate getting his message out to the people. They were afraid of a weaker candidate winning, and the country being weaker for it. So by putting the actual power in the hands of the Electoral College, they had a kind of stopgap measure to protect against something like that.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Okay, Wordsworth, if you say so. Did you happen to notice I just returned a kickoff for a ninety-three yard field goal while your guys stood around with their thumbs up their asses?
D-Rok.
But does it even make sense, today? I mean, with TV and newspapers and the Internet, it`s possible for everyone to be pretty informed if they want to. Wouldn`t it be more fair if we elected the president by a straight percentage vote?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Do you have any Jim Beam left?
D-Rok.
[frowns, and rummages around next to himself on the couch] I`ve got some Jose Cuervo, but you`ve got to save me some. I`m not done with it yet. [hands over the bottle, which Isobel drains]
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
That tasted like shit. Thanks.
D-Rok.
So why do we have this archaic system, where a president can be elected while the loser got the larger percentage of the popular vote?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Because if we used a straight percentage vote, candidates would be free to ignore whole states. Like, who needs New Hampshire? Don`t they make apples there? You might as well spend more money in California and try to get more votes there, since you`re going there anyway. But with the Electoral College, you pretty much have to go to New Hampshire, because their electoral votes are important. You can split the popular vote in a state pretty wide, but the electoral vote is a binary set: either it`s red or it`s blue.
D-Rok.
Yeah, but that`s part of the problem too. If you vote one way, but more people in your state vote the other way, don`t you feel kind of useless? Like you could have spent your time in a better way than slobbing your way to the polls?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
What? Like, drinking and playing Madden2k1?
D-Rok.
Or other
stuff.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Not really. It`s a statement, anyway. Your vote gets counted anyway. You`re just not voting for president you`re voting for electors.
D-Rok.
That sounds kind of like the reasoning for voting for a third party. I know I`m helping to elect the guy I really don`t want in office, but I`m totally making a statement! See that point oh three percent down there? I helped make that!!11 Pretty lame.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Hey, lay off. That Nader guy is pretty hot.
D-Rok.
You`re pretty drunk, huh?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Are you trying to insult my dignity? I won`t stand for that! [stands up and throws her controller to the ground, where, being an xbox controller, it breaks through the floor]
D-Rok.
[also stands up, looking slightly distressed] Then put your pants back on and sit down! Can you imagine what my roommates would say if they came home and found me here getting drunk with a figment of someone else`s imagination?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
[starting to slur her words] You just call me a fig... pigmen... pygmy? I oughta stick you one! [picks up a bottle of the gentleman jack, which she smashes on the tv and waves wildly at D-Rok]
D-Rok.
Hey, settle down! [backing up towards an ottoman, which he doesn`t see, waving his hands wildly] You told me you were a happy drunk!
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
And you told me you were Ewan McGregor!
D-Rok.
I did not!
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Oh. Maybe I made that up. Well... you`re not! [lunges at D-Rok, who tumbles over the ottoman. They roll around on the floor, and though D-Rok is obviously far stronger than the small girl he is obviously wary of accidentally stabbing her in the face with the broken bottle she`s poking at him with]
D-Rok.
Get off of me!
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
You off`a me!
[the door at the back of the set swings open, and a woman steps through. She is wearing a form-hugging jumpsuit, and her long hair is pulled back in a simple ponytail. After a moment of silence, she frowns and steps inside.]
Sliver.
And what, if I may ask, is going on here?
D-Rok.
She... [breaks off, as Isobel interrupts him]
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Mean boy got me drunk`n tried t` touch my secret places!
Sliver.
Dustin...
D-Rok.
I did not! She... I...
Sliver.
Nice balls.
D-Rok.
[looks down at his pants, flushes, and zips them up] I swear I didn`t know about that! We were just discussing the electoral college, and she jumped me!
Sliver.
The... electoral college?
D-Rok.
Yeah! And she jumped me!
Sliver.
So. Let me see if I understand you. You were just sitting here, minding your own business, discussing the finer points of the Electoral College with my girl Is here, and she jumped you.
D-Rok.
[extricates himself from Isobel, who tries to stand herself but falls over] Yes, pretty much.
Sliver.
She jumped you.
D-Rok.
Hey! It`s not that hard to believe!
Narrator.
I dunno, man. Look at her. She`s racked.
D-Rok.
[looking around wildly] Holy shit! Where`d that guy come from?
Sliver.
Quit trying to change the subject, you lecherous ball-shower. I think it`s time you learned a lesson.
D-Rok.
But there`s a guy standing in the corner! How long has he been there, anyway? Wait... Jerry? Is that you?
Narrator.
Quit talking to me, damnit. It`s ruining everyone`s suspense of belief.
D-Rok.
Isn`t that suspense of disbelief?
Narrator.
Unfortunately for D-Rok, it was that very moment when the two Celpo agents converged on him, though one was drunk off her pretty little ass...
D-Rok.
What the hell are you talking about, Jerry?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Teach you to touch where my bathing suit covers! [clocks Dustin on the back of his head with his Xbox. He keels over instantly, and she drops the game system]
Sliver.
Wow. That was kind of overkill, Is.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
You think?
Narrator.
Yeah. Emphasis on kill. Let`s hope you didn`t, because that would make for a pretty crappy play.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Who the hell are you, anyway?
Narrator.
Quit looking at me! I`m totally not here!
Sliver.
I don`t think he`s dead. [kicks D-Rok, who writhes a little] See? He`s just sleeping.
Narrator.
Excellent. Then our story shall commence... [he walks off stage, rubbing his hands together]
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
What was that guy`s deal?
Sliver.
I dunno. That ring he had on was pretty sketchy, though. Maybe he was Elton John?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Maybe. Wanna play some Madden2k1?
Sliver.
Sure.
[they don`t move]
[curtain]
[end scene i]
Act I, scene ii
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act I
scene ii
[the curtain rises on a bare stage, with a mural of a desolate, snowy mountainscape in the background. D-Rok is crumpled in the foreground, with the Narrator standing behind them. Before the Narrator starts speaking, a short blond man dressed like a giant pink dodgeball waddles on stage left]
Narrator.
And so D-Rok found himself a stranger in a strange land, without a clue as to where he was or how he got there. All he knew was that he was starting to get a hangover. Either that, or something roughly off a mass with a mack truck had struck him in the back of the head.
D-Rok.
[sits up slowly, rubbing his head, looking away from Cornfed] Where the hell am I? I feel like someone hit me in the back of the head with a mack truck. [stands up, turning slowly around. As he does so, Cornfed keeps behind him] It looks like... Canada.
Cornfed.
We`re outside of Narshe.
D-Rok.
[jumping, startled] What the hell?
Cornfed.
I am... [turns to the Narrator] Do I really have to say this?
Narrator.
[nods]
Cornfed.
Fine. I am the evil lord Cornfed, brother of the dastardly hero XSonic, who is the bane of my existence! I have invented a new laser, which I will shoot him with!
D-Rok.
[squinting] Travis?
Cornfed.
Uh, no. Cornfed. I already told you that.
D-Rok.
Okay. So... you`re Cornfed. Not Travis. And we`re outside of Narshe. As in... Final Fantasy 6?
Cornfed.
As in, you will join me or I will destroy you!11
D-Rok.
How about no?
Cornfed.
Oh shit. Here comes that roving gang of homosexual moogles again. Hey, twinks, just because I`m pink doesn`t mean I`m wired that way!
D-Rok.
Roving gang of... what?
Narrator.
D-Rok had gone from strange to stranger, as an army of cute little white winged bears surrounded him, intent on carting him off to their den of iniquity...
[a group of extras dressed up as red-winged white bears with dingle balls hanging off their heads surrounds D-Rok and Cornfed. They may be played by other cast members, if necessary. Once they are surrounded, a tall man wearing the body part of a sonic the hedgehog costume and a megaman x helmet steps from their ranks. A little gray hair sticks out from under the helmet. He is also wearing a strange blue and black ring on his left index finger]
XSonic.
My evil brother Cornfed. I have found you.
Cornfed.
My brother, who has the head of MegaMan X and the body of Sonic Hedgehog! Blast!
XSonic.
Yes, I have run really fast zooooooom to the gate, and followed you here to gather my army of homosexual moogles. Today is your last day, evil brother Cornfed.
Cornfed.
Ah! But I have made a new laser gun! ZWEEEEEP!11 [he points a hokey-looking laser gun at XSonic, who runs around in circles]
XSonic.
I run very fast away from your beam!
D-Rok.
[rubbing the side of his face] Guys, this has been real... psychotic and everything. But I`ve really got to be going. [he turns and starts walking away, but XSonic runs around and blocks his path]
XSonic.
Oh yes, you must be going... to your DOOM!
D-Rok.
That doesn`t make any sense.
XSonic.
I will run around really fast ZOOOOOOOooooooom!
D-Rok.
Um. I`m afraid to ask, but... Adam?
XSonic.
Quit it, or Jerry`s going to set us on fire.
D-Rok.
[shakes his head] Okay, fine. So where`s this going then?
XSonic.
I will now vanquish my evil brother, Cornfed, and you as well for you have traveled with him as his boon companion!
D-Rok.
Boon what? I haven`t traveled anywhere, you weirdo.
XSonic.
Oh. I thought you were traveling.
D-Rok.
No, pretty much I`m just standing here.
XSonic.
You are confuse me. Moogles, attack!
[the gang of homosexual moogles closes on Dustin, menacingly, when one breaks loose from their number. He is a tall, red-haired man dressed in a dirty moogle suit, with a half empty bottle of eighty proof Red Mog in his paw.]
Drunk Moogle.
Get outta here, you`se. [the moogles back up, seemingly afraid of the drunk moogle]
XSonic.
No! My gang has found a new leader! I am defeat!
Drunk Moogle.
Damn straight, you freak of nature. Now get outta here.
[a red haired man of average height walks in, stage right, wearing glasses and a blue sandwich board. He has a weird blue and black ring on his left index finger. As he speaks, he writes on the blue board with a white pen]
Message Box.
XSonic got whacked!
XSonic.
Oh no! You have won today, my evil brother, with your allies! But I will return! I will defeat you! [he runs away, at quite a normal speed, exiting stage right]
Drunk Moogle.
Okay, boys. Uh, go home and do whatever it is you do. [the moogles all trundle away, stage left] So, you D-Rok?
D-Rok.
Um... Artic Kohl?
Drunk Moogle.
Yeah, we had a bunch of cutbacks over at Triangle and I guess someone has my number. And a guy has to eat, right? So, D-Rok or not?
D-Rok.
How`d you know?
Drunk Moogle.
The Floating Ewok Head told me to be expecting you.
D-Rok.
Floating...
Cornfed.
You will all bow to me! I am your evil lord and master!
Drunk Moogle.
What`s with the dodgeball?
D-Rok.
[shrugging] I dunno. He`s been like that the whole time I`ve known him. What`s with the guy in the blue sandwich board?
Drunk Moogle.
That`s the Message Box. Didn`t you see him whack XSonic?
D-Rok.
Oh. I guess that makes sense... except that it doesn`t.
Drunk Moogle.
Look at it this way. If he hadn`t shown up, XSonic would probably have smote us all to the dirty ground, whether I scared off his henchmen or not.
D-Rok.
Oh. Thanks, I guess.
Message Box.
No problem, buddy. Any time.
D-Rok.
So... I guess it would be asking too much for any of you guys to know the way to Fargo?
Drunk
Moogle.
Sorry. Never heard of it.
D-Rok.
Velva?
Drunk Moogle.
I think you can buy that in Narshe. Cheese, right?
D-Rok.
[increasingly distressed] Minneapolis?
Drunk Moogle.
I think you mean Kupopolis. And there`s an exclamation point at the end, not a question mark. But yeah, I`ve heard of the place. I wouldn`t suggest going there though, it`s kind of dumb.
Cornfed.
I tried to run for mayor there, but they said evil pink dodgeballs can`t run for mayor. Then they played dodgeball with me, which hurt my feelings.
Message Box.
Cornfed
got whacked!
D-Rok.
No, Minneapolis. It`s a city. So is Fargo. I live there, and I`d kind of like to go back.
Drunk Moogle.
Oh, sorry about that. I`m a little drunk, see. Like my name implies.
D-Rok.
Um.
Drunk Moogle.
Well, if you want to get home probably the only person who can send you is the Floating Ewok head. That bastard can do pretty much anything, really.
D-Rok.
So... do you have any idea where to find this... ewok?
Drunk Moogle.
Floating Ewok Head. And yeah, I`m sure he`s around. We`ll find him alright.
Cornfed.
I will force him to make me the unquestioned ruler of all Kupopolis! I`ll show them! I`ll show them all!
D-Rok.
So I guess you`re all going with me, then.
Message Box.
I`m Rick James, bitch.
D-Rok.
And I don`t suppose I can talk you out of it?
Cornfed.
I will talk you out of your immortal soul.
D-Rok.
Okay, that guy is really starting to creep me out. How do we find this ewok head anyway?
Drunk Moogle.
Where there`s a gate, there`s a way.
[curtain]
[end scene ii]
Act I, scene iii
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act I
scene iii
[Before the curtain rises, a series of bright blue lights flash behind it. Then the curtain rises. Stage right is dark, and the illuminated stage left is decked out like a reception room in an office building. D-Rok, Cornfed, Message Box, Drunk Moogle and Narrator stand at the edge of stage left. D-Rok is scratching his bald head]
Narrator.
And so began the journey of a million miles, with a single step. Through a gate. Across probably a million miles. Um. Oh, fuck it. So D-Rok and his traveling companions had found themselves at the next waypoint along their journey to find the mysterious Floating Ewok Head, to send D-Rok home. The trouble was, nobody knew where they were.
Drunk Moogle.
I know where we are.
Narrator.
Stop being contrary.
Drunk Moogle.
[rolls his eyes] Alright, so we`ve got to go through here. It`s the quickest way.
D-Rok.
Am I the only one here who realizes there are no indoor gates?
Narrator.
Unfortunately for D-Rok, in the middle of his annoying pointing-out of continuity errors, he was suddenly on fire!
D-Rok.
Um. I`m not on fire.
Narrator.
[walks over to Cornfed, sets his highly flammable pink dodgeball costume on fire with a rather trick zippo lighter] Okay, where were we...
Cornfed.
Oh shit! I`m on fire! [starts running around]
Drunk Moogle.
This is getting us nowhere. Am I the only one who even cares about finding the Floating Ewok Head anymore?
Narrator.
I do.
Drunk Moogle.
I thought you were supposed to be invisible or something? [the Narrator waves his zippo lighter around menacingly, and Drunk Moogle clams up] Um. So, D-Rok. Howcome you`re so keen on going home?
D-Rok.
Because this place is psychotic?
Drunk Moogle.
Fair enough. So where you`re from, nothing is psychotic?
D-Rok.
No, there`s still a lot of stuff that makes no sense. Like this electoral college we`ve got, for electing our president. I mean, everyone thinks they go out to vote for president, but really they`re only voting for electors... [Drunk Moogle`s eyes glaze over, and starts to wander away. Cornfed is still on fire, running around] Um. Shouldn`t someone put out Cornfed?
Message Box.
Cornfed got immolated!
Cornfed.
AIEEE!!!1
Drunk Moogle.
Fine. [lifts a fire extinguisher off the wall, shoots it at Cornfed] Thanks for ruining the one little bit of fun I`ve had on this whole trip, Mr. Clean.
D-Rok.
This coming from a guy dressed as a giant winged bear.
Drunk Moogle.
[waves his bottle of Red Mog around] You wanna go Nancy boy? Let`s go!
[D-Rok, unafraid of Artic in a bear suit, pushes up his sleeves and makes a “come and get your ass beat down” motion with his hand. Before they can fight though, a voice comes from off stage]
Gingivere.
[off] You shouldn`t be here!
Drunk Moogle.
Who `dat?
Gingivere.
[A man dressed as a large cat comes through the door, stage right, from the darkened part of the stage, wringing his hands] You really shouldn`t be here. Master will be ever so angry to find you here. How did you get past all of the traps?
D-Rok.
We came through a gate.
Gingivere.
Inside? That doesn`t make any sense.
D-Rok.
Hey, don`t look at me. Blame that guy. [thumbs at the Narrator, who is playing a GBA in the corner]
Gingivere.
Oh, that guy. [nods]
D-Rok.
Wait. M3? What the hell are you supposed to be? A Neko? And why have you got all those chains all over you?
Gingivere.
[somewhat tiredly] I`m a cat. I wanted to be Martin the Warrior, but he [indicates the Narrator, who is still playing his GBA, now sitting cross legged on the stage] said that would be too confusing. As if this whole mess isn`t confusing on its own.
D-Rok.
You know, he usually gets pretty pissed off when people talk about him. I wonder what`s up.
Gingivere.
I know you can here me! This play sucks worse than Foo!
Narrator.
[looks up] Unfortunately for Gingivere, it was at that time his Master decided to start pulling on his chain.
Gingivere.
[looking over his shoulder] Oh shit. I knew I shouldn`t have said that. [the chain that runs from his arms back through the doorway draws taut, and he stumbles backwards a little]
D-Rok.
Who`s your master?
Gingivere.
Ted... Tuna. You all need to get out of here. Especially you [he points to Artic]. He has... peculiar tastes. Run while you can! [he is suddenly yanked back through the doorway by the chain]
D-Rok.
So, you want to turn back?
Drunk Moogle.
Hells no. We`ve come this far, right? Fish-boy tries anything with me, I`ll tear his parts off.
D-Rok.
He`s a fish. I`m pretty sure they don`t have... parts.
Drunk Moogle.
What about that Manta guy?
Narrator.
I heard that`s a prosthetic. [puts his GBA back into a pocket in his cargos] You know, kinda tough to make with the machismo when you`re a fish and lacking in the junk department.
D-Rok.
That`s kind of gross.
Cornfed.
I will force him to boy before my evil might! His entire empire will become mine, and I will bend it to the singular task of destroying my brother, who has the head of MegaMan X and the body of Sonic Hedgehog! [runs through the door, and as he does so the other half of the stage is illuminated, revealing a lavishly appointed office, with a man in a big fat fish costume sitting behind a large desk]
D-Rok.
I almost forgot about that guy.
Drunk Moogle.
I was trying to forget about him.
Message Box.
I guess we should follow him.
D-Rok.
Hey, you can talk?
Message Box.
Just because I`m a guy wearing a blue sandwich board doesn`t mean I`m some sort of idiot. I`m in graduate school, bitch.
Drunk Moogle.
For what? Getting your Master`s in Drunken Irishman?
Message Box.
Drunk Moogle got whacked!
Drunk Moogle.
Oh shit. [falls over, stumbled to his feet, falls over again] Man. This bites.
Message Box.
I`m a Doctor of Boozology, and don`t forget it. [takes Drunk Moogle`s bottle of Red Mog, empties it, and throws it at the stage] That`s some good shit.
D-Rok.
Yeah, so, this is great. But I`d really like to go home, so... [walks through the door, where he finds Ted Tuna, stroking a cat in his lap. He has a lascivious look on his face, and a weird blue black ring on his left index finger. The others follow Dustin, and the other half of the stage is darkened]
Ted Tuna.
Gingivere! What is the meaning of this! [shakes the chain that is connected to his man-cat slave]
Gingivere.
I tried to get rid of them, Master...
Ted Tuna.
WHAT? You did what? Gingivere! You will be punished, later.
Gingivere.
Why me...
Ted Tuna.
So, honored guests. I imagine you will be wanting your reward, after having braved the many trials and tribulations of my citadel to reach me.
D-Rok.
Not really. We just walked through a gate and ended up in your reception room.
Ted Tuna.
Oh. Well, that`s kind of lame. Weren`t there any trials?
D-Rok.
Well, I did have to put up with that guy [points at Cornfed, who is in the corner assiduously subdugating a bookshelf] and that guy is pretty annoying, too [points to the Narrator, who has returned to playing his GBA]
Ted Tuna.
Ah, I see. So, you have reached me without any effort. How ingenious of you. You truly are the one we seek.
D-Rok.
What?
Ted Tuna.
What I mean is... I have an offer for you.
D-Rok.
Um. If it has to do with dressing up like some animal, I`m pretty sure my answer is no.
Ted Tuna.
Only if you wish. What I offer you is a place at my side, ruling my vast empire. Together, we shall smite both my enemies and my friends. You will perform certain tasks for me, and no one else, and in return you will have anything you wish.
D-Rok.
Yeah. I kind of wish I was at home, playing Madden2k1 on my XBox.
Ted Tuna.
Very well... if I cannot retain your services, then...
D-Rok.
Matt?
Ted Tuna.
What?
D-Rok.
You`re Matt.
Ted Tuna.
No, I`m Ted Tuna. I`m a fish. And the head of a media conglomeration. Don`t you get it? Ted Tuna?
D-Rok.
Yeah, I think even that guy got it [points to Cornfed, who nods]. But you`re also Matt, right? What the hell is going on here, Matt?
Ted Tuna.
[shakes his head] I`m afraid you have left me no choice, young man. The plan has changed, and you will not pass.
Narrator.
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
Ted Tuna.
[stands up, petting his cat] Oh, I do so love witty banter and petting my pussycat. But the plan has changed, Narrator.
Narrator.
The hell it has! This is my show, Tuna!
Ted Tuna.
[throws his cat at the Narrator, who catches it with his face] Not anymore! Gingivere! Restrain the Computer Scientist!
Gingivere.
Oh, very well. [tries to grab Dustin, who pushes him over]
Narrator.
[pulling the screeching cat off his face] You`ll regret that, Tuna. Message Box?
Message Box.
Oh, I know just the thing: Narrator summons Penguin! Tuna got whacked!
Penguin.
[off] This is kind of degrading, Sparkles. Do I have to?
Narrator.
Get a move on, pal. You heard the message box.
Penguin.
[runs through the door from the darkened half of the stage, a man of average height dressed as a giant blue penguin with a weird blue black ring on his left index finger] Fish!
Ted Tuna.
Oh shit. You`ve beaten me.
Penguin.
Fish! [speeds over to Ted Tuna, head down, and starts chewing on his arm] Run! Get out of here while you can, Dookie! The next gate is beyond this office! [he points to the door he very obviously just came through]
D-Rok.
Didn`t we just come through the door.
Drunk Moogle.
Don`t fight it, pal. Just go with the flow. [walks through the door onto the darkened half of the stage]
D-Rok.
Okay, whatever. Message Box? Cornfed? Let`s go. [they all walk through the door, and the lights once more switch from right to left, revealing what appears to be a green room]
Narrator.
And once more, the traveling companions found themselves one step closer to their goal. Meanwhile, I got my ass handed to me by Llednar Twem for the tenth time. So I`m afraid they`re going to be on their own for a while. [sits down again, engrossed in his GBA]
D-Rok.
Okay. But where the hell are
we?
Drunk Moogle.
I think we`re at... The Hannibal Show.
[curtain]
[end scene iii]
[end Act I]
Act II, scene i
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act II
scene i
[The curtain rises on the stage made out like a talk show, with a large sign proclaiming it `The Hannibal Show.` It`s set up a little like an oddly laid out den, with a large redwood desk in the middle and a few comfortable looking chairs next to it. It is empty]
D-Rok.
So now we`re on a talk show. I would just like to point out that this doesn`t make any damn sense.
Drunk Moogle.
Yeah, I think we figured that out around the time that the talking pink dodgeball showed up in act one.
Cornfed.
I will destroy your soul!
Drunk Moogle.
Yeah, sure you will.
Message Box.
Oh shit. I`ll be right back, guys. [runs off stage left]
D-Rok.
Where`d he go off to in such a hurry?
Drunk Moogle.
Who cares? What I want to know is, where`s the booze?
Cornfed.
[to the Narrator] It`s booze night. Give me some Skyy.
Narrator.
Yeah, I don`t think so. And quit talking to me, already. I`m totally not here.
Cornfed.
But I want my vodka. And I can see...
Narrator.
Unfortunately for...
D-Rok.
[groans] Here we go again.
Narrator.
[clears his throat] Unfortunately for Cornfed, he was on fire. [walks over to Cornfed and sets him on fire, returns to playing his GBA]
Cornfed.
Oh shit! I will set you all on fire with... myself! [starts running around]
Hannibal.
[off] Hey, damnit. No fire on my show! Roll the cartoon funnies! [struts on stage, to the tune of some twanging rock`n`roll music. Mr. Hannibal, Mr. Hannibal... Too Damn Late Show is starting... Too Damn Late Show is starting now...]
D-Rok.
Yeah. Because this makes perfect sense. Right.
Hannibal.
Hey folks, we`ve got a great show for you tonight. In fact, here comes out first guest. He`s a Computer Scientist from Velva, currently located in Fargo. Smoke a fucking peace pipe! Ha! Welcome, D-Rok!
D-Rok.
What?
Hannibal.
Take a seat, man. [reaches into his desk and pulls out a large caliber pistol, which he sets in front of himself] Now.
D-Rok.
[sits down] Wait. Tex?
Hannibal.
So, you`re a Computer Scientist huh? I bet you get a lot of chicks.
D-Rok.
Yeah, well, no.
Hannibal.
So what`s going on? What are your current projects? Why`d my idiot producer book you, anyway?
D-Rok.
I don`t think he did.
Hannibal.
No, I`m pretty sure he did. You`re here, right?
D-Rok.
Well, that`s mostly because we were fighting Ted Tuna, and then we ended up here.
Hannibal.
Oh, well, TunaMedia is the parent corporation of the Too Damn Late Show. So maybe Tuna had something to do with it. Whatever, though. You brought a clip?
D-Rok.
What?
Hannibal.
Would you like to introduce your clip?
D-Rok.
I didn`t bring any... my clip of what? What`re you talking about?
Hannibal.
Roll the cartoon funnies!
D-Rok.
What the hell? Tex, what`s going on here? I want some answers, man. I`m getting tired of the runaround everyone`s been giving me.
Hannibal.
I`m not this Tex guy you keep talking about. I`m Hannibal. You know, ex-Regent, current roustabout and late-night talk show host? Celiose and Derik hung out at my place for a while, we had some adventures.
D-Rok.
No, you`re Tex. And a few minutes ago you were wearing a blue sandwich board and saying things got whacked. And what`s the deal with that weird ass ring you`re wearing? Matt had the exact same ring on, and so did Travis until he got set on fire twice.
Hannibal.
Whoa! The Message Box is here? That guy is awesome. Let me tell you, he knows how to go on a bender. One time we started a pub crawl in Nikeah, and by the time we were done we woke up in a gutter in Edgemont. Wild times. So where is he?
D-Rok.
...he`s you, you crazy bastard. You ran off and came back dressed as Hannibal. Nice shades and trenchcoat, by the way.
Hannibal.
Hey, Jerry? D-Rok won`t stop breaking continuity, and it`s ruining my show. And that pink dodgeball is still on fire. He`s starting to damage all my damogun memorabilia.
Narrator.
Deal with it yourself. I just got past Twem, and I think this is the last fight... oh shit. There`s another one. Like I didn`t see that coming.
Hannibal.
So, do you want to introduce your clip or not?
D-Rok.
I didn`t bring a clip! I have no clue what you`re talking about!
Hannibal.
Whoa, settle down there buddy. No use getting your panties in a bunch. Look, if it makes you feel better, I`ll let you perform two songs instead of one. I didn`t even let Advil Lasagna play two. Is that okay? Do you feel better?
D-Rok.
I don`t have a band. With me. Right now. Look, I`m not performing any songs for you, okay?
Hannibal.
Huh. No clip, no cartoon funnies, no music. Just why are you here, anyway?
D-Rok.
Because if I hadn`t sat down, I`m pretty sure you would have shot me in my face.
Hannibal.
Oh yeah. I get that answer more often than you might think.
D-Rok.
So how about we do Five Questions?
Hannibal.
Okay, sounds good. Number one...
D-Rok.
Why are some characters played by people I know, and some characters are playing other characters, and what was the deal with Ted Tuna having a Neko chained up in his office?
Hannibal.
That`s three questions.
D-Rok.
Why are you wearing the same weird ass ring as Tuna and XSonic?
Hannibal.
I`ll take Penis Mightier for five hundred, Alex.
D-Rok.
You`re not going to answer me, are you?
Hannibal.
No. Which gives me one out of five! Yeah! I beat Kathy Ireland`s score! Yeah!
D-Rok.
What are you talking about?
Hannibal.
Sorry, only five. That`s six. Time for a commercial break! [picks up his gun and starts shooting at the cameras, which seem to be, unfortunately, in the audience] Okay, we`ve got about five minutes. So let`s get this straight, friend. This is my show, and I want you to stop screwing it up.
D-Rok.
Five minutes until what?
Hannibal.
Until the commercials are over.
D-Rok.
Um. You shot all the cameras. I think the show is over.
Hannibal.
No, they`ll bring out more. We have a budget for that. So are we clear? Do you understand me?
D-Rok.
Well...
Penguin.
[off] Fish! [runs on, stage right, carrying what appear to be Pokemon cards]
Hannibal.
Why look, it`s my next guest! A... penguin.
Penguin.
[lays the cards down on Hannibal`s desk] Hey, Sparkles. Wanna play Pokemon cards with me?
Hannibal.
[face twitching] I. Don`t. Play. Pokemon. Cards.
Penguin.
Sure you do! I`ve seen the videos on the Omninet!
Hannibal.
You`ll shut the hell up, if you know what`s good for you, bird.
Penguin.
I get to be Charizard!
Hannibal.
[stands up, throwing his huge desk over, which lands on the Penguin] I DON`T PLAY POKEMON CARDS! [he pulls two massive guns from his trenchcoat, and starts firing into the audience] You will all die!
D-Rok.
Something tells me this is our cue to leave. Thanks Mike... um... Penguin.
Penguin.
Don`t mention it, Dookie. Just run!
D-Rok.
I`m getting too old for this.
[curtain]
[end scene i]
Act II, scene ii
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act II
scene ii
[curtain rises on a bare stage, which has a pastoral scene as backdrop, depicting the mostly untouched lands of Llangollen. Hills rise into mountains in the far distance, and a winding river is seen to run into a massive lake. D-Rok and his traveling companions stand around looking confused, the Narrator is in the foreground eating a chicken shami korma]
Narrator.
Wow. Bet you thought they`d never get outta that one, right? But somehow I managed to do it, defeated Twem, that book, and the third one. It was pretty much touch and go there for a while, and a lot of people had to die to do it, but it got done. [eats some more of the shami korma] Man, did I earn this.
D-Rok.
What the hell are you going on about now?
Narrator.
So now I`m back, and we find the traveling companions have stumbled their way a little closer to the Floating Ewok Head... the United Territories of Llangollen!
D-Rok.
Um. Isn`t that in the Fringe?
Narrator.
Yeah.
D-Rok.
So... did we all learn to breath in space? Because there aren`t any gates that go from the core to the fringe. That`s pretty much what the definition of the fringe is.
Drunk Moogle.
Um. I`d stop pointing out continuity errors if I were you, before he sets someone on fire again.
Cornfed.
Yeah. Like me!
Drunk Moogle.
Shut up already. I`d set you on fire myself, if I had any fire.
Cornfed.
Hey, lay off me. It`s not my fault. I never asked to be a giant pink dodgeball bent on world conquest.
D-Rok.
Well, you are a Republican.
Cornfed.
So is he! [points to the Narrator, who is busily polishing off his chicken shami korma] And he gets to be the Narrator!
D-Rok.
And that`s an enviable role? All he does is stand there saying stupid things that make no sense, and sometimes set things on fire.
Cornfed.
Yeah, like me. I`d say he`s got the better end of the deal.
D-Rok.
Hey, at least you didn`t win the popular election for Narrator and then get stuck with Giant Pink Dodgeball because you lost the electoral election.
Cornfed.
You`re not a fan of the electoral college either? Yeah, I think it`s kind of outdated.
The Divine Miss J.
[off] Just like those shoes! Oh. My. God. D-Rok, do you realize how out of style the bald look is? I`m thinking, Billy Corgan circa 1997! [walks on stage, a statuesque, beautiful woman impeccably dressed. At her side is a pretty young blond woman smoking a long cigarette]
Clio.
Oh, honey, leave him alone. He`s from Fargo, he doesn`t know any better.
D-Rok.
Um. I`m not really so into all the insults. Is that you, Jackie? Howcome you aren`t playing some role?
The Divine Miss J.
Because that fool JD knows better than to put me in some funny suit. In fact, I think he`s pushing it putting me in this getup [she fingers her dress, which is cut a little low, and shoots a glance at the Narrator]
Narrator.
Hey, don`t look at me. I could have put you in hotpants.
The Divine Miss J.
And I could verbally abuse you.
Narrator.
Point taken. Chicken shami korma? [offers her the dish]
The Divine Miss J.
Ew. No. You`ve already eaten half of that. That is so sketchy. Weirdo.
Narrator.
Suit yourself.
D-Rok.
So, I guess it makes sense that you`d be in Llangollen. I guess. Except not really. What`s Clio doing here though?
Clio.
We had a disagreement. She wanted to convince you to turn around, and I wanted you to hurry up and get your cute little butt to the end of this little jag. So we both came.
The Divine Miss J.
Clio, let me do the talking here. I am obviously the one to do it.
Clio.
Why? Because you disagree with me?
The Divine Miss J.
No, because am perfect. Can`t you see?
Clio.
Sweetie, I love you like a sister. But you ain`t perfect.
Narrator.
Oh, I dunno.
Clio.
[playing with her hair] Hush, boy. Before you get yourself in trouble.
Narrator.
Yeah. I think I crossed that line about five thousand words ago. Thanks.
Clio.
So, to get to where you`re going you`re going to have to face some tough stuff.
D-Rok.
Yeah, that`s what everyone seems to be telling me. So far though, I`ve mostly just been wandering around aimlessly. I had no idea there were gates from inside TunaMedia that lead to the fringe. That`s pretty wild.
The Divine Miss J.
I think you`re missing the point, D-Rok. You haven`t seen anything yet, and if you keep going on you`re probably going to die. And then you`ll never finish your Aryth plot, and a lot of people are going to be pretty pissed at you.
D-Rok.
That`s pretty pleasant. Thanks.
The Divine Miss J.
I`m just telling it the way it is.
Clio.
Hardly! I`m the one who tells it the way it is, sister. And I`m telling him, no guts, no glory. If you don`t see this through to the end, you`ll never get to the end! What, do you just want to lay down here and never leave? Because if you don`t get where you`re going, that`s what you`re going to do.
D-Rok.
Will you stay too?
Clio.
[laughs] Hardly, little boy. I`ve got places to see and people to do. I don`t stay anywhere long. And I`d suggest you do the same.
Cornfed.
[staring at Clio`s chest] You`re pretty. Can I touch you? [reaches out]
Clio.
[kicks Cornfed in his face, he falls over] So what`s it going to be?
Message Box.
Cornfed whacked off!
The Divine Miss J.
DL, settle down.
Message Box.
Okay.
The Divine Miss J.
I urge you, D-Rok. Turn back while there is still time. Perhaps you can be happy here, somewhere. Maybe in Aryth... with all those pretty Tanes.
D-Rok.
[stares into space dreamily for a moment, before shaking his head] Sorry, Jackie. I just don`t think that`s going to happen. I mean, me surrounded by a harem of beautiful, magic-wielding babes? Something would go wrong. Like, Jerry would set me on fire.
Narrator.
Hey, I resent that.
D-Rok.
Why aren`t you wearing that weird ring like everyone else, anyway?
The Divine Miss J.
That ring on my finger? Please! I wouldn`t be caught dead wearing something that tacky. Plus, I was never really a member of the club. Like I`d even want to be.
D-Rok.
Club? What club?
Narrator.
[clears his throat] Oh, Miss Jackie? A word? [pulls her aside, they whisper heatedly, and come back]
The Divine Miss J.
So, um. There is no club, and I have no idea what ring you`re talking about. And you should totally go on, to the limit. [looks at the Narrator] Was that right?
Narrator.
Perfect! You`re a good friend, Miss Jackie.
The Divine Miss J.
[shrugs] Yeah, I guess we`ve got to stand together. And anyway, this play sucks worse than Foo. Like I really care how it turns out.
Narrator.
Excellent.
Drunk Moogle.
Did you ever feel like this cast got a little too big?
Message Box.
We got whacked!
Narrator.
Yeah, sorry guys. We started getting some complaints though, and we`ve gotta get the plot moving.
Clio.
So, Jacks and I are in agreement: you need to press on.
D-Rok.
Yeah, but how? I`m pretty sure I`ve come far beyond hope of guidance from a drunk ass moogle in finding the Floating Ewok Head.
The Divine Miss J.
Floating... what? Jerry, that is so lame.
Clio.
Well, you could always go find the Orinoco Flow underneath a fountain nearby. That seemed to work for them when they were trying to wrap up the plot in Neo.
The Divine Miss J.
Yeah, but if they do that then it won`t be waiting there when Jerry and I send our characters to get it in Neo in about a hundred years. Continuity, Clio. Do you have any idea how hard it is keeping the continuity straight without you insisting on messing things up?
Clio.
Yeah, whatever. I`m just trying to be helpful.
Jenny Pagen.
[off] Jackie! This is horrible! [runs on stage left, a pretty young girl in robes] Oh. Hi guys.
Cornfed.
More... hot... girls... must... subjugate.
The Divine Miss J.
Will someone please set him on fire?
Narrator.
Okay. [sets Cornfed on fire, he starts running around again, by now quite singed]
The Divine Miss J.
Alright, Jenny. What`s wrong?
Jenny Pagen.
It`s those... french speaking frogs. They`re back again. And I can`t get them to leave.
The Divine Miss J.
WHAT!?! I thought I told those guys: no french speaking frogs in my country!
The Dauphin.
[off, in a french accent] Oh, my little baguette. How have you gotten away from me again?
Jenny Pagen.
[groans] Here he comes.
The Dauphin.
[enters, stage left, a tall young man wearing a frog costume, decked out with a ratty looking cape, wearing a weird blue and black ring on his left index finger] Oh ho, I have found you!
The Divine Miss J.
You get away from my characters!
D-Rok.
...Nick?
The Dauphin.
Do I not have an excellent french accent?
D-Rok.
Yeah. It`s fine. Why are you dressed up as a frog?
The Dauphin.
I am not dressed up as anything, mon amie. I am a frog, and also french. Is it not clever?
D-Rok.
Um. Yeah.
The Divine Miss J.
I told you to get out of my country! You stupid, stupid thing!
The Dauphin.
Oh, you have now impugned my honor! I must challenge you to a duel! [slaps Jackie with a dirty glove, which causes her eyes to burn with anger]
The Divine Miss J.
Please tell me he didn`t just do that... oh, you`re going to wish you hadn`t done that. [she hauls off and punches him in the face so hard he flies off the stage, pulled by a thin guy wire he had been trailing the whole time. She stalks after him] You`re done for, frog!
Clio.
Um, sorry boys. Looks like we`ve got to be going. Good luck on your journey, though! [she goes up on her toes and gives D-Rok, who blushes, a peck on the cheek] Later! [waves as she runs off stage]
Jenny Pagen.
[shrugs] Nice meeting you folks [follows Clio]
D-Rok.
That was... nice.
Cornfed.
Sure you think it was nice. You got some action. I got set on fire and kicked in the face.
D-Rok.
Yeah. So, where to now?
UL.
[off] The path will become clear, my son.
D-Rok.
Rawley?
UL.
[enters stage left, seeming to float. He wears long draping robes, which flutter on the floor as he wafts across stage. A regal, imperious man who wears a weird blue and black ring on his left index finger] No, my son, I am the All-father, UL. God of Gods.
D-Rok.
You look like Rawley.
UL.
Sounds like this Rawley is a pretty handsome guy.
Drunk Moogle.
Yeah. This is even getting a little weird for me. And I`m both drunk, and wearing a moogle costume.
UL.
We all have our roles to play in this life, my son. Some play theirs better than others, some have more than one to play...
D-Rok.
Like when Tex vanished and came back as Hannibal, but wouldn`t admit it.
UL.
[nods] You are an observant one, my son. You will go far, I feel.
Message Box.
Hey, if you`re God, can you tell me something?
UL.
Yes, my son. I know all. I do a lot of research.
Message Box.
Sexcellent. Then, if my eye got poked out in this life, would it be waiting up in heaven with my wife?
UL.
Ah, but my son. You have no wife.
Message Box.
[hangs his head] You`re right.
UL.
Do not fear, young one. You have much to experience yet in this life, and you have much yet in store.
Message Box.
Like hot chicks?
UL.
Perhaps, perhaps. If those guys from Penny Arcade can find chicks, there`s a chance for anyone. You see, I work in mysterious ways. You may find hope in the places you never thought you would.
D-Rok.
Yeah, fine. What are you doing here though?
UL.
There is a lesson you must learn, my son, before you may reach your end.
D-Rok.
And you`re going to teach me?
UL.
No, I will not be your instructor. I merely warn you: there will always be consequences for every action. Nothing is ever done in a vacuum, and sometimes the bill will come due when you least expect it.
D-Rok.
Yeah, that makes about as much sense as anything else I`ve heard today. Why am I not surprised?
UL.
Make of it what you will. I have more research to do though, if you will excuse me. [wafts off, stage left]
Drunk Moogle.
Nice guy.
D-Rok.
Wasn`t much help, though.
Cornfed.
Um, guys? What`s that sound? [they all look to stage right, where the grumbling, growling noise is coming from] Oh shit. I mean, what is that?
D-Rok.
[starting to sweat] I think I know.
Drunk Moogle.
Well,
out with it! What is it?
D-Rok.
I`m pretty sure that`s... ExDeath.
[curtain]
[end scene ii]
Act II, scene iii
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act II
scene iii
[Curtain rises on a stage covered in detritus, and the backdrop is a wasted landscape. The traveling companions cower together at stage right, with ExDeath on stage left]
D-Rok.
How the hell are we supposed to fight this guy? I left all my guns at home!
Drunk Moogle.
He doesn`t look so tough.
D-Rok.
He looks like a twenty foot tall metal knight! And a while ago he was a tree, and before that a whole bunch of crap!
Drunk Moogle.
Yeah. What`s the deal with that, anyway? I`m getting kind of tired of this crap. Who came up with this villain, anyway?
D-Rok.
[resignedly] I did.
Drunk Moogle.
You?
D-Rok.
I`m pretty sure that`s what UL was talking about, yeah. A long time ago... I don`t want to talk about it. What we need to talk about is defeating this guy. I mean, really. I know that when I woke up this morning, I didn`t make any plans to get squashed by a giant suit of armor thing.
Cornfed.
I will destroy it! And rule the world from its corpse!
D-Rok.
That`s pretty creepy, man. And it`s not your turn, anyway. It`s Artic`s.
Drunk Moogle.
Fine. Um. [starts dancing, falls over]
Message Box.
Drunk Moogle stumbled!
Drunk Moogle.
Bollox.
Message Box.
Cornfed stole Message Box`s turn!
Cornfed.
Now I will destroy it! Come to me, my needle weapon!
Gun.
[off] Boss! I`m coming! [a large man dressed as a gun and wearing a weird blue and black ring stumbles on stage right, falls over, and runs over to Cornfed] Alright! I`m here!
D-Rok.
Nate?
Gun.
Yeah?
D-Rok.
Why are you dressed as a gun?
Gun.
How do you mean?
D-Rok.
I mean, you`re dressed up as a gun. What`s the deal?
Gun.
I don`t follow.
Cornfed.
You`re starting to piss me off. Quit talking to my gun, already.
Gun.
Ready?
Cornfed.
Yeah! Let`s go! [the Gun walks over to Cornfed and climbs on his back. They stumble around a little, and then Cornfed calls on his face with the Gun on top of him] Fire!
Gun.
BANG! [the Gun shines a flashlight at ExDeath, which falls over]
D-Rok.
Huh. I can`t say I saw that coming.
Cornfed.
I destroyed him! Next I will destroy my brother, who has the body of MegaMan X and the head of Sonic Hedgehog!
Drunk Moogle.
Uh, I think you got that backwards, buddy. Check your script.
Cornfed.
Hey, you try and get your lines right after being sat on by Nate. [glares at the Gun]
Gun.
Sorry, man. I didn`t mean it.
Cornfed.
It`s alright. Why don`t you go play some Feng Shui? I`ll be along after we`ve trapped Dusty.
D-Rok.
...what?
Narrator.
Damnit. Cornfed, what the fuck!
Cornfed.
Um... I mean, once we`ve gotten D-Rok home. Yeah. Once we haven`t trapped him, and we`ve gotten him home.
Gun.
Alright! See you later! [runs off, stage right]
D-Rok.
Okay. All of that aside, did anyone else notice that ExDeath is still moving?
Message Box.
Bully. I think there`s something inside it.
D-Rok.
Inside? Gross.
Message Box.
No, check it out. I think ExDeath was a... robot!
XSonic.
[climbing out of ExDeath] Driven by me, XSonic, who has the head of MegaMan X and the body of Sonic Hedgehog! And now, I will finish off my brother! Vrooooooom! [starts running around the stage]
Cornfed.
Oh no! I no longer have my gun! BARF!
D-Rok.
What just happened?
Drunk Moogle.
I
think Cornfed just died.
Narrator.
No, sorry. I was just playing River City Ransom on my GBA. Sorry.
D-Rok.
[grabs a hold of XSonic, as he runs by at quite a normal speed] Hey, Adam. Do you want to stop screwing around for a while and help me out a little?
XSonic.
I am XSonic! The great hero with the...
D-Rok.
Yeah, head of a robot, body of a rodent. I`ve heard the story. But are you gonna help me or not.
XSonic.
You are the boon companion of my archnemesis, the evil Cornfed! Who I think is my brother!
D-Rok.
You know? Someone should put your folks in jail for life for ever having sex. What, was your dad half dodgeball and half rodent, and your mom was a fax machine? No, don`t answer that. Answer my first question. Are you going to help me? [he lets XSonic go]
XSonic.
Oh, alright. For this time I will team with you and my evil brother Cornfed, to destroy an even greater evil...
D-Rok.
And... what`s that? I`m almost afraid to ask.
XSonic.
[in a conspiratorial whisper] ExDeath...
Drunk Moogle.
Um. We just kicked that thing`s ass. And you were driving it.
XSonic.
Oh. I guess we should just go through that gate over there, then. That should do it, if you want to find the Floating Ewok Head.
D-Rok.
[slaps the side of his head] There`s a gate over there? Why didn`t anyone ever see it before?
XSonic.
Because then you would have gone through it, never met me, and never had this important interchange?
D-Rok.
How is this important? [they all walk towards the gate, which appears to be off stage right] And did everyone forget again that fringe worlds don`t have gates? And what the hell is ExDeath doing on Alter Dragon? Wouldn`t it make more sense for him to be hanging out in merge?
Narrator.
You know, Dustin, you think entirely too much to be healthy. Have some korma.
[curtain]
[end scene iii]
[end Act II]
Act III, scene i
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act III
scene i
Narrator.
And so, D-Rok and his boon companions...
D-Rok.
Shut the hell up about that boon shit, man! That`s just wrong.
Narrator.
...D-Rok and his traveling companions have come across dimensions and through worlds of trouble to their ultimate destination.
[curtain rises, revealing the Narrator standing by himself on a bare stage. Behind him is a lifelike mural of a modern cityscape, with a massive building dominating it]
Narrator.
Through the final gate, they have come to the Citadel of the Floating Ewok Head, which looks suspiciously like the AOL/TimeWarner corporate headquarters. Will this be their final undoing, or will they carry the day and return D-Rok to his home? And if they`re at AOL/TimeWarner, shouldn`t D-Rok be able to just hop on a plane to Minneapolis? Only time shall tell...
[the mural rises, to reveal what appears to be a dark hallway punctuated by softly pulsing green lights. D-Rok and the others stand there, and the Narrator goes to join them]
D-Rok.
So, this is it... the Citadel of the Floating Ewok Head.
Drunk Moogle.
Yeah, if you said so.
D-Rok.
It looks strangely like the corporate headquarters of AOL/TimeWarner.
Narrator.
Yeah, funny how that happens.
D-Rok.
So I guess we should get moving. Or does that ewok thing come to us?
Drunk Moogle.
I`m pretty sure that we have to go to it.
D-Rok.
Sounds about right on line with the rest of my day. Alright, let`s go. [they starts walking in place, and the backdrop of the hallway scrolls as if they are walking. XSonic runs circles around them, yelling out his life story as he goes, but nobody pays attention]
D-Rok.
So, does anyone know what this guy looks like? I want to know what to expect.
Drunk Moogle.
He looks like Farrah Faucet. What the hell do you expect? He`s a giant floating ewok head, man.
D-Rok.
Oh. I thought it might just be a title. Like, Prince. Or Boy George.
Drunk Moogle.
Those are weird musicians. We`re talking about an all powerful sorcerer, here.
D-Rok.
Like there`s a difference.
Message Box.
Hey, all of you shut up. I think I hear something coming...
D-Rok.
What?
Message Box.
Shh... it sounds like... little feet.
D-Rok.
Oh holy mother of god. Steve Case had babies...
Drunk Moogle.
With who? Verne Troyer?
[they jump back in fear, as a hoard of mini steve cases runs on stage right, surrounding them. Either played by the same extras as the moogles, or by the rest of the cast on their knees]
D-Rok.
Get them offa me! Ew! Their little hands know no shame!
Message Box.
Message Box got violated!
[everyone but D-Rok and the Narrator move slowly to stage left among the mini steve cases, as if being carried off by the crowd. D-Rok is cowering on the ground, and the Narrator is sitting on the edge of the stage with his legs hanging off]
D-Rok.
Are they gone?
Narrator.
Yup. All of them.
D-Rok.
[sits up, looks around] Oh shit. We`re alone, and those monsters could come back at any minute.
Narrator.
Hey, don`t look at me buddy. You`re on your own, here. I just narrate.
D-Rok.
[deadpans] And set things on fire.
Narrator.
Whatever the scripts calls for. I`m handy that way.
D-Rok.
How convenient for you.
Narrator.
Never said my life was hard, did I? Now, you`d better get moving if you want to find your way home. Right?
D-Rok.
[shakes his head and walks off stage] Yeah, whatever. Later, Jerry.
Narrator.
Hey, folks. Enjoying the show? No? Well, don`t worry. It`s almost over. You see, what D-Rok over there doesn`t know is...
D-Rok.
[off] I can still here you, Jerry.
Narrator.
Oh. Well, it would`ve been smart of you to keep quiet then, to hear my little story then, huh?
D-Rok.
[off] Shit. You`re right.
Narrator.
Yeah, so why don`tcha get movin` then? You`ve got loads of promises to keep, and miles to go before you sleep.
D-Rok.
[off] Uh. I don`t think that`s how it goes.
Narrator.
I think you might have forgotten about my zippo.
D-Rok.
[off] No, sorry, I remember. Bye! [sound of footsteps]
Narrator.
[swinging feet] Alright, so you want to know what the grand purpose is? I`ll bet you want answers to all those questions clever little D-Rok was asking earlier... what`s with the rings? Howcome some of us are playing parts, and others are being played? Well, nuts for you. He totally ruined the mood, and now I don`t feel like telling. [stands, brushes off his pants, pulls out his GBA] See you at the climax!
[curtain]
[end scene i]
Act III, scene ii
By: SilentJerry
Thread: Iron Writer!
Posted: August 07, 2004
Act III
scene ii
[curtain rises on a bare stage, the backdrop is concealed in shadows, limpid green light illuminates the foreground of the stage, and D-Rok walks on slowly stage left]
D-Rok.
I`ve been left alone. What
the hell is this? Some kind of nightmare? Too much booze and too much
being hit by an XBox, probably. And why am I talking to myself,
anyway?
Narrator.
Probably because you`ve gone crazy. Wouldn`t this all make sense, then?
D-Rok.
So you`re trying to convince me I`m crazy, now.
Narrator.
Well, some pretty weird shit has happened to you today. And now you`re talking to a narrator. I dunno, sounds pretty crazy to me.
D-Rok.
I don`t suppose you`d like to argue the merits of the electoral college.
Narrator.
I`m not sure how far we`d get, man. I pretty much agree with you. That thing has to go.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
[off] Yeah, but if it does, how will it effect outcomes? Presidential candidates will be able to completely ignore states they see as unimportant, due to their low populations, instead courting states with larger populations. A lot of people would become disenfranchised, then.
D-Rok.
Isobel?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
[enters, stage right] Yeah, happy to see me or something?
D-Rok.
You have no idea. The day I`ve had, Is...
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Why would you be happy to see me? The last time you saw me I cold-cocked you with an XBox.
D-Rok.
That doesn`t even compare to some of the stuff that`s happened since then. There were gay moogles, and a giant fish, and a talk show, and... you really don`t care, do you?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
[touching up her nails with an emory board] No, can`t say I really do. I`m sorry you had a bad day though, really.
Sliver.
[off] I`m not. That guy deserves whatever he gets. He should just be glad I didn`t bring Faith along with me. [enters, stage right]
D-Rok.
Oh God. You didn`t, did you? [looking around, panicked]
Sliver.
I just said I didn`t, right? So no, I didn`t.
D-Rok.
Oh, good. I think she might hit even harder than you. You`re not going to hit me, are you?
Sliver.
[shrugs] I make no promises. Will you come with me? [holds out her hand]
D-Rok.
I`m not sure. You`re probably going to throw me across the room if I take your hand.
Sliver.
If I wanted to throw you across the room, you`d already be across the room. Don`t you think?
D-Rok.
[nods] Makes sense, yeah.
Sliver.
Very well, then. Let`s go.
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
Wait. Is this right?
Sliver.
What?
Isobella d`Fenwyr.
What we`re doing. Is it right?
Sliver.