Kupopolis Archives

Recollections of Nobody

Beautiful.
Every flap sparks another blast, surging through the city streets, ripping out whatever stands in its way. The beating of the wings like the beating of a heart.
The pulse, uninterrupted.
A medley of screams. Mere mortals cowering in shadows turning quickly to crimson light.
The pulse, uninterrupted.
The chorus sounds again, rising and falling in delightful cacophony, lost without a leader, wondering when to start, yet starts without notice. Scattered they are, I see.
The pulse, uninterrupted.
I see a few of those unfortunate beings, those poor mortals, flat on the ground, trembling at every noise. Faces pale and dirtied from the earth, bloodied from othersÕ faces and their own pitiful faces. I laugh to myself, and then laugh for the whole world to hear.
ÒSurgite!Ó
A crash nearby. Even the structures cower at the voice escaping with a mere whisper from my lips.
ÒSurgite!Ó
My command turns the skin of those leaves pale. I smirk, and decide to grant them an audience. A fair chance before the final refining must begin.
ÒNonne cupitis salutare Vestrum Dominum?Ó
A pause in the pulse, awaiting sound from the inquired.
The glint of a tear strikes the ground.
Blubbering fools! They will meet the refining fire sooner than they think!
I throw myself back into the air, tearing those bodies from the ground. They spiral uncontrolled to ruin.
So, I am here without a welcome. Here... without a welcome. No matter. A welcome means nothing to me.
The pulse revives.
I have no need for welcomes to create beauty. Everything becomes beautiful when it is stripped down to nothing, the nothing from which it was created from by some being, some designer. I have been entrusted with the power to create bea--
ÒDesiste!Ó
A voice behind me. Powerful.
What mortal fool could this be telling me to stop creating?
What mortal fool could this be commanding so much power for a weakling?
The pulse interrupts. My back stiffens.
ÒQuid vultis?Ó I ask, with a chuckle.
I turn to the voice that has called me. I see many. All shrouded with simple cloth. The leader steps forward. I smirk.
ÒNon satiabimur cum levi sermone.Ó
Insignificant conversation? Conversation that will not satisfy? What conversation? I do not mean to satisfy this mortal. I do not mean to satisfy any mortal. They shall satisfy me.
This being displeases me. This being is an ugly thing.
My grin turns to a discontented frown. My wings rise to begin the pulse.
ÒLigate, spiriti caeli et terrae, hunc improbum angelum...Ó
Unified they speak. My wings freeze in the air, out of my control.
The heart desires to beat, but it cannot!
ÒQuid...?!Ó
As quickly as they are suspended in the air, my wings wrap about me, binding me. I shriek, furious. I fall to the ground, having nothing to hold me in the sky.
These beings shall pay for binding me!
But... how can they...? I am their master! I am...!
Ò... caecate et quiescete, sic pacem huic regioni feret.Ó
... confused... clouded... senses... dull...

I wake to shadows and light. The light is all about me. It... vexes me...
Some relief. Shapes of shadow above me crowd to see some sight before them. The sight of me...
ÒOpus perficit,Ó says a voice.
Murmurs of agreement.
What task has been completed? I... I do not understand.
I try to scream, but my mouth cannot.
The shadows move. I do not.
No pulse to interrupt.

Lost

The weatherÕs always crazy in the mountains.
Really, itÕs the same for every damned mountain range. One second, thereÕs clear skies everywhere to be found. The next, thereÕs clouds. And the next, thereÕs so many clouds that you canÕt see a damn twenty feet in front of you! Thank the gods IÕve already spotted the next village up ahead.
What the hell am I saying? What are the gods going to do for me? Absolutely nothing! Everything IÕve got, I had to earn. No help from the gods there. No help from those damned gods anywhere! I was cursed by the gods to begin with. Cursed when my parents decided to name me Tantalus! Where did they get the idea to name me after some demigod thatÕs condemned to an insatiable thirst?
... it doesnÕt matter. I canÕt change a damn thing about it.
The village is close, I can feel it. Just a few more steps, and the fork will come. IÕll have to make a left here. Left goes down the mountain. Right goes up the mountain, then back down the mountain. Straight leads off a cliff.
SureÕd like to go straight.
ThatÕd be just damn stupid.
After a moment, I decide to go left. I descend, carefully at first, but I pick up the pace.
I bet as soon as the clouds go away, this sight right here would be damned beautiful. The guy who told me to come up this way -- who was he? Oh, right! -- some guy named Decius or Decimus or something like that, told me all about it. He told me to expect a small village, right next to a huge forest right next to a huge mountain. I can see it now: a rolling ocean of tall green grass, with a few huts far in the distance floating on it. They cling to a huge forest smelling of that pine that lets you know itÕs alive and all that. And that embraces this huge stone mountain, draped with clouds, never really letting you see the top. And IÕll be wondering whatÕs at the top when I look at it real hard...
I wonder how much the sightÕs going to disappoint me once the clouds are gone.
I shouldnÕt think about those things. Right now, I just see shadows. ThatÕs good enough for me.
I stop for a moment, near halfway down, and take a short break. The cloud brushes by me, dampening my face with moisture. It feels so refreshing. I laugh, enjoying the sensation. It tickles my face, tickles my hands. The cloud wraps around my legs, around my body, embracing me with a soft, cool, damp touch. I take a deep breath, and continue my descent, breaking from the embrace.
That guy, whatever his name was, told me to expect a grass trail leading to the village. I donÕt know why I was even told to come out this way. This village is off of the paved roads, off of the dirt roads, hell, itÕs even off of the mud roads! I donÕt even know if this village even has a name!
I thrust my walking stick into the ground nearby, and test my next step.
... these rocks are slippery.
... hereÕs a good spot.
Placing my foot there, I continue down.
Why on earth am I even going out this way? This is pointless. This is ridiculous! This is...
Without thinking, I step forward.
ÒWhoa!Ó
Within moments, I find myself sliding down the slick rocks, uncontrollably.
ÒDamn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn, damn, damn...Ó
I desperately reach out, trying to find something to stop with. Plunging the stick in the ground, I swing around for a moment, coming to a near stop. However, it snaps cleanly in two, and I slide down the rocks. Screaming in desperation, I start flailing, trying to grab something with a hand, a foot, anything! I finally stop myself by snagging a rock with my foot. I stop, but my foot makes a strange noise while I do. It almost sounds like the tearing of cloth. I bite my lip, and almost tear up from the pain.
ÒDamn the gods! I donÕt think I can move it...Ó I scream.
Close that mouth of yours. The ankle will be just fine. This has happened before. You will find the village. Nothing is broken. Nothing is damaged. YouÕre lucky you didnÕt bang your head on one of those rocks.
And why didnÕt I?
Just be quiet and listen to reason.
I sigh, and look down. Ten more feet until the bottom.
ÒI slid down that far?Ó I wonder.
... at least I donÕt have to walk down that mountain anymore.
ThatÕs right.
I allow myself to slide down the rest of the way. I sit on the ground a moment, dazed.
Yes... all there is around me is grass. Grass everywhere. And the obvious trickle of liquid running from my pack.
Damn it.
ÒLost. Just great. Lost in the middle of nowhere,Ó I mutter.
Start walking. Just start walking, and youÕll get somewhere.
To my grave, thatÕs where.
ÒLost, and something in my packÕs broken.Ó
IÕd better go check it out.
I take off my pack, overstuffed with foodstuffs and trinkets, and carefully put it on the ground. My hands seem to know where to look, so I let them do their work.
So what will I do now? Do I just walk blindly in the hopes of finding somewhere to stay? Am I actually going to die out here? WhatÕs going to happen to me?
Just great. One of the wine flasks broke.
I sigh, staring at the punctured flask. Unconsciously, I start emptying its contents on the ground. I smell the dying strains of grape as it sinks into the dirt.
What a waste. The skin mustÕve been punctured by one of... ah, hell, it couldÕve been anything in that pack. ItÕs worthless now.
Worthless like m--
Fool. Throw the skin out and get back on your feet.
I do whatever my head tells me to. I watch it disappear into the cloud and grass.
So much grass. How am I ever going to find my way?
... the grass... itÕs covered in dew.
I start walking in some direction, hoping somehow something will happen.

A Different Day

ÒMama the clouds are coming again!Ó
ÒI see that Iulus. You know what this means rightÓ
ÒYes PatiÕs coming home!Ó
ÒThatÕs right PatiÕs coming home.Ó
ÒYay!Ó
ÒNow be careful Iulus You donÕt want to get hurt by going out in the middle of the cloudÓ
ÒDonÕt worry Mama! IÕll be very careful!Ó
ÒVery very careful?Ó
ÒVery very careful!Ó
ÒAll right run along but be careful okay?Ó
I run to the door and then run outside. The clouds feel so good. I feel them every day. I watch for Pati. Everyday Pati comes home when the clouds come because he says that he canÕt see because theyÕre so thick sometimes. He comes with some of the other men in the village leading the cows home. Sometimes I think the cows lead him home because the clouds are so thick and the cows already know their way home He just makes sure that they all get home I guess.
I think I hear PatiÕs cowbell in the clouds
ÒPati! I hear Pati!Ó
Pati tells me that one day heÕll show me how to lead the cows home. He says IÕm too young right now and I might get smushed by the cows if IÕm not careful. I know IÕm grown up enough to lead the cows home but he says that IÕm not. I always ask Mama how I can grow up faster. She tells me that I have to eat all of my food every day even if I donÕt like it Broccoli tastes bad but I eat it because I want to grow up really fast so I can help Pati. Evander and Titus are already helping their dads out in the cow field. Marcus would go out and help but his dad has a grape orchid so he has to stay at home and help keep the grape orchid looking all nice because the grapes wonÕt grow if the grape orchid isnÕt nice looking. IÕm glad I donÕt have a grape orchid because that looks like a lot of work and I donÕt want to do that much work.
I keep looking for PatiÕs shadow in the clouds. His shadow will be followed by a bunch of other shadows but I know which oneÕs PatiÕs because Pati is always at the front.
Just a lot of white and gray clouds. I stand on my tiptoes and look inside the window of the house. MamaÕs inside cleaning off the vegetables for the food tonight. She always takes a lot of care making the food we eat. If she didnÕt make broccoli all the time I guess I wouldnÕt want anyone else making food for me!
Wait Maybe PatiÕs finally here!
I look hard but I canÕt see anything
ÒMama WhenÕs Pati coming home?Ó
ÒHe should be here soon Be patient Iulus.Ó
ÒYes, Mama.Ó
Mama always tells me to be patient. I donÕt know what that really means. She says it means that I have to wait for a while to get something. She makes it sound so easy but itÕs really hard!
Hey whatÕs that? A shadow in the clouds?
ÒPatiÕs here! PatiÕs here!Ó
I can see the shape of a person coming from the clouds. It is really hard to see at first, but it gets easier to see when it comes closer.
ÒPati!Ó
I start running toward the shadow.
Wait SomethingÕs wrong.
ÒPati?Ó
Pati is having a hard time walking!
ÒPati!Ó
I can finally see what is making the shadow. He wears strange shoes white cloths around his legs and a blue tunic with yellow shiny lines outlining the edges...
This isnÕt Pati!
ÒMama!Ó
The strange man looks at me with a tired scary look on his face.
ÒA boyÓ says the man.
He makes a strange noise and then falls on the ground.
ÒMAMA!Ó
More shadows come out of the clouds. Shadows I think I know.
ÒMAMA! PATI! Come quick!Ó

Recovery

I open my eyes to find a load off my back.
ÒM-my goods! Where are they?Ó I exclaim.
ÒRight here,Ó says a womanÕs voice. ÒWeÕve touched nothing inside, sir.Ó
I turn, and see a woman, simply clothed in a white dress. Her dark, profusely wavy hair rests around her shoulders, framing her face. Her eyes and her face are aglow with a warm, pure kindness...
ÒThatÕs right, sir,Ó says another voice.
I look over to where the voice is coming from. A man is standing in the door, slightly smiling in the dim candlelight.
HeÕs a farm worker. I know it. The long, brown tunic, the rough hands, the chiseled face, the muscles on the arms from pulling and pushing things, the white coat he puts on when he gets home... all markings of a farm worker.
I look around the house. A simple structure.
Just like the one I tried to get away from.
YouÕve risen from that!
Damn it, I go all that way just to go back again!
ÒWell, our son Iulus is asleep. He got quite the shock when he got a look at you,Ó says the man.
I make a brief smile, and sit up.
ÒHe must be exhausted. Not many visitors come out this way, especially not ones with large loads on their backs,Ó says the woman.
They think IÕm weak, donÕt they?
... theyÕve got every right to. IÕm a miserable mess.
Damn you! Quit thinking like that!
ÒIÕm okay. I just took the long way here,Ó I say, reassuring the woman.
ÒI see,Ó replies the woman.
The man steps out of the doorway and into the candlelight, coming from the candle sitting in the middle of the room on the thick, wooden table.
ÒSo, good sir, what is your name?Ó asks the man.
ÒMy name is Tantalus Gradus Fonte,Ó I reply.
ÒA merchant man,Ó says the man.
ÒA plebeian,Ó says the woman.
Why are they so fascinated?
ÒYes.Ó I respond to both their questions.
They remind me of people I once knew...
ÒWow... I have never met someone who was a plebeian before,Ó says the woman.
ÒWe are more than honored to have you in our home, Mr. Fonte,Ó says the man.
ÒWould you like to stay here? I know our house is not much compared to where you must live...Ó asks the woman.
IÕd rather live here than where IÕm living now. Why would I travel so much otherwise?
ÒWell, I think thisÕs a--Ó
Charming. No, cozy. No, charming sounds better.
Ò--rather comfortable place. IÕd be delighted to stay here,Ó I reply.
ÒWonderful!Ó says the woman.
An uneasy silence follows. SomethingÕs missing.
ÒOh, I apologize! We forgot to tell you our names!Ó laughs the man.
ÒHow foolish of us! Well, we must tell you who we are!Ó laughs the woman.
Like children.
ÒOh, itÕs quite all right, you donÕt need to apologize,Ó I say.
Like grown children.
ÒI am Jason,Ó says the man.
ÒAnd I am Ilia. Our son is named Iulus,Ó says the woman.
ÒItÕs good to meet you both,Ó I chuckle.
ÒHow long will you be staying here?Ó asks Ilia.
Well, youÕd better not keep the wagon waiting long. You know whatÕll happen then, donÕt you?
Right, right.
ÒA day or two. I wonÕt inconvenience you long,Ó I reply.
ÒA day or two?Ó repeats Jason. ÒWhy, that doesnÕt seem long enough!Ó
I laugh.
ÒI know, but I really must get on the road as fast as I can,Ó I reply. ÒI truly wish I could stay longer.Ó
I wish I could get out of here right now.
ÒI donÕt want to stay here any more! IÕm sick and tired of living like this!Ó
I glare at the man sitting at the table. He glared back with those stone cold, beady eyes of his.
ÒYouÕll regret ever saying that,Ó he replies.
ÒWhat do you mean, IÕll ÔregretÕ ever saying that? You donÕt know anything about whatÕs out there! I can make it out there!Ó
The woman begins to cry.
ÒYouÕll just be a damn miserable failure. Just like youÕve always been,Ó says the man.
ÒBe quiet, damn it! You donÕt know anything--Ó
ÒStop it, both of you! CanÕt you see how much youÕre hurting me?Ó
I look up.
ÒIÕm sorry.Ó
ÒYouÕd better be sorry. YouÕre going to wish youÕd never left this house.Ó
ÒIÕm not sorry for you! As far as IÕm concerned, you can rot in hell!Ó
The man stands from the table.
ÒNo. DonÕt do it,Ó says the woman.
He ignores her and approaches me.
ÒDonÕt do it!Ó screams the woman.
He comes right up to my face, and stares into my face.
ÒDamn you. Damn you to hell,Ó I whisper.
He freezes for a moment, contemplating what he wants to do with me.
ÒDonÕt do it, donÕt do it!Ó exclaims the woman.
She begins to cry hysterically. His face wrinkles up in a disgusted look.
And in that moment, I see, in the corner of my eye, his hand rise and strike my face.
She lets out a moan, and continues to cry.
ÒHey, boy--Ó
ÒWhatÕs wrong?Ó Jason asks.
ÒHmm?Ó
ÒYou had the strangest look on your face,Ó says Jason.
ÒIÕm just tired, IÕm sorry,Ó I reply.
ÒWe should let him sleep. It is really getting late,Ó says Ilia.
Jason laughs, and nods.
ÒGood night, Mr. Fonte,Ó says Jason, entering the other room.
ÒGood night to you both,Ó I reply.
Ilia follows Jason, after blowing the candle out.
Where did that come from? Why havenÕt I forgotten about it? Why does that event still torment me after all these years? Damn it. Damn it all!
Cruciatus...
No matter. Sleep takes everything away.
I close my eyes.
Where did that voice come from?
Just go to sleep.
Sleep?

The Rooster Crows

I wake up just like I do everyday to the sound of the rooster making cu-curi-cuu. The sunlight is already shining in the window. I canÕt see too well because the sun is so bright in the morning. I look over to the bed where my parents sleep Pati is already gone. He is taking care of the cows. Mama is gone too but I donÕt know where she is.
I get out of bed and walk into the other room. My eyes are closed while I yawn.
ÒGood morning Iulus.Ó I hear.
ÒGood morningÓ I say.
I open my eyes and I see the strange man from yesterday.
ÒMama!Ó I scream
I run back to the other room. What is this strange man doing in the house? Maybe I should ask him No I shouldnÕt Mama told me not to talk to strangers if they ever came How does he know my name Maybe heÕs not a stranger after all Well maybe I should at least look at him maybe heÕll talk to me again or something like that
I decide to take a look in the other room. I look into the other room and the strange man is still there eating a piece of bread slowly. He sees me and he smiles.
ÒHey Iulus.Ó
I frown. How does he know my name?
ÒIÕm not talking to youÓ I say
The strange man laughs. ÒOkay At the least you can come in here.Ó
Maybe heÕll tell me how he knows my name if I sit down at the table.
I shut my lips tight and I walk into the room. He picks up the piece of bread and chews on it again.
ÒSo did you have a good nightÕs sleep?Ó
I make sure my lips are still shut tight and I nod.
ÒThatÕs good Are you wondering where your mother is?Ó
I nod again.
ÒSheÕs gone out to the garden. She told me to talk to you if you woke up.Ó
ÒReally?Ó I say
I quickly cover my mouth with my hand. That wasnÕt supposed to happen!
ÒSo you can speak after all canÕt youÓ says the strange man.
I frown. The back door opens and Mama comes in.
ÒGood morning Iulus I see you have met our guest Mr Fonte.Ó
I look over to Mama.
ÒMama whatÕs a guest?Ó
She smiles and pats my head.
ÒA visitor who is welcome in our house.Ó
ÒOkay MamaÓ
The strange Mr Fonte laughs and finishes the bread.
ÒThat was a delicious breakfast Ilia.Ó says Mr Fonte.
ÒThank you.Ó says Mama
ÒYou were probably wondering how I knew your name right Iulus?Ó says Mr Fonte
I nod.
ÒYour mother told me yesterday. She also told me what you did yesterday. IÕd like to say thank you Iulus.Ó says Mr Fonte.
I guess this guy isnÕt that bad.
ÒUh YouÕre welcomeÓ I say.
Mr Fonte smiles.
ÒCome on do you want to come with me while I sell things today?Ó
I nod. Something new to do!
ÒGood. If youÕre ready weÕll go to the middle of the villageÓ says Mr Fonte.
I get out of my chair.
ÒIÕm readyÓ I tell him
ÒThen letÕs go.Ó says Mr Fonte.
He picks up his large sack and heads out the door. I follow him.

The Art of Trade

I guess todayÕs a good day to be selling. I have one of the villageÕs children by my side. Sooner or later, other kids will come, and theyÕll tell their parents that IÕm here. It didnÕt take too long for me to set up my stand.
Now itÕs time to play watch and wait.
ÒHey, Mr. Fonte!Ó
ÒHmm?Ó
I look over to see the young boy, Iulus, holding one of my little wooden toys.
ÒWhat does this do?Ó asks Iulus.
He doesnÕt get around much, does he?
ÒCome here, and IÕll show you,Ó I reply.
He comes, obediently, and hands me the toy. His big blue eyes are filled with curiosity. I untangle the wire hanging from the toy, and hold it by its handle.
ÒYou hold it like this, see?Ó
Iulus nods, and continues watching.
ÒNow, all you have to do is whirl it around, like this.Ó
I begin rotating it, swinging the ball at the end of the string around and around underneath the paddle. On top of the paddle, a group of chickens begin pecking at the paddle. IulusÕ mouth opens, and his face lights up with wonder.
ÒIÕve never seen anything like this,Ó says Iulus. ÒYou made the chickens peck!Ó
I laugh. ÒYou can, too. Here, give it a try.Ó
I hand the toy to Iulus, and I go back to sitting on the rock. I watch the young boy try to get the ball moving. After a few tries, he gets the hang of it. He laughs, and goes off to show some other boys what heÕs done.
DoesnÕt he remind you of someone?
The undyed tunic, the dirty bare feet, the hand-me-down, patched up brown coat...
Back to your beginnings?
WeÕve had this discussion before.
I sigh, and look around. The village is rather small. There are about twenty huts in this stomped down dirt area, and a few more on the edges. The cedar forest to the north is thick and dark. And the mountain?
The mountain...
The mountain stands tall, cold, and almost barren. It wraps itself in the white mist, to keep it warm during the mountain rangeÕs cool days and long, cold nights.
Almost like I had pictured it.
ÒThe mountainÕs got a hold of you, eh?Ó I hear a voice say.
I snap to attention.
ÒI suppose so,Ó I reply.
I hear children in the background. They laugh and play without a care in the world.
Wish you could do that, huh?
Yes. Yes, I do.
The voice laughs.
ÒNo one ever goes up there. Everyone who has gone up there has never come back down.Ó
ÒReally?Ó
ÒWeÕve jokingly called it Mount Purgatory. In the past weÕve sent criminals up there, and you know what happened to them, eh?Ó
ÒThey never came back.Ó
ÒI always thought it quite odd.Ó
ShouldnÕt you be selling something? Come on! YouÕre proving what a miserable failure you are!
ÒI am not...!Ó I start to scream.
The man across the stand raises an eyebrow in curiosity. I sigh.
ÒSorry,Ó I say.
The man chuckles. ÒPeople whoÕve come here for the first time have a weird reaction to the mountain. They scream some pretty strange things.Ó
I laugh, nervously. ÒRight, right.Ó
ÒWe all are still wondering why this happ--Ó
Everything is quiet all of a sudden.
Pure silence.
IÕve never heard anything like this before.
ÒTantale,Ó I hear a voice whisper.
WhatÕs going on? WhatÕs g--
ÒTantale, veni,Ó the voice beckons.
I have no choice but to follow.
One foot moves forward, the other follows, one foot moves forward, the other follows.
Nothing matters anymore.
Everything I know doesnÕt matter any more.
Come.

A Contemplative Being

I am weaker. The bonds are weaker. Everything is weaker.
Yet perhaps it is time. Time to break free from the chains, to let go of everything that I have been over the years, the decades, the centuries.
I must face who I am, what I am, deep inside.
Perhaps today, of all days, I will be free from this prison.
ÒLiberate me!Ó
I plead with the force of a mortal. Yet the chains release me.
The clouds disappear from my eyes. The numbness dissipates. I rise, gently beating my wings.
The pulse!
My heart freezes. My mind goes elsewhere.
Never again!
Yes. Never again.
I look to the light that I have hated for six hundred years.
The light is not there. Only cloud. Only rain. It whispers its hatred for me. It despises me.
It, too, has been condemned to this place for six hundred years.
It has not sought freedom from this place.
I step forward, and stumble.
I am like a child. Uncontrolled, yet bound to simple things.
I must rise.
The rain. It beckons me. It longs to meet the one it has been condemned to torment.
Torment...?
Viciously so.
I step out into the rain cloud, whispering hatred, which now whispers something else.
Redemption?
I have forsaken redemption a long time ago. I abandoned all hope of it when I was locked away, for it was there I realized that I did not belong in either heaven nor hell. There I realized that my very essence is detestable. I am a half-being, half of both worlds, too much of the other world to be accepted into a particular one. I belong in a state of nothing...
Perhaps there is a way...
It would never work. I should never have come into existence.
Redeem the mortals that you once destroyed...
Would they let me redeem them? Never. My presence is fear and hatred. Mortals tremble at the sight of me. I am a detestable being.
The ancient ways...
To bind my power...? Perhaps that would work...
You have drawn one here.
I have drawn one here? My mind was reaching out too far...
Redeem him.
No, I am too weak!
Redeem him.
Or perhaps too strong!
Redeem him.
I do not even know the full strength of my abilities yet!
Redeem him.
Or else I will not redeem you.

Lost, Again

I wake to find myself on my feet.
ÒDear gods, IÕve got to stop doing this sort of thing!Ó
I look out, and I see cloud. I look down, and I see rock. Gray rock.
The mountain...
Something draws me to climb up. However, I cannot see for the life of me.
Get on your knees. Maybe that might help.
ThatÕs right, get on your knees. Admit what a wretched idiot you are.
I bow to no one!
Humility is a virtue.
ItÕs only a matter of finding your way around.
I get on my knees, and begin crawling my way up the mountain, carefully examining my next step with my hands before moving forward.
How did I get up here?
My goods! Damn it, I donÕt have them with me!
Ha! Shows what kind of a person you turned out to be! Absent minded, foolish, thoughtless...
Just climb the mountain, damn it.
A drop of rain strikes my fingers.
It rains this high up?
ItÕs just a little drop.
Another drop. Another follows.
ItÕs raining...
Damn.
Let the rain take away what you worry over. Whatever it may be, leave it for the rain.

What the hell?
It will decide what to wash from you. Let all the years come at once. Experience the joy of having them close. Experience the sorrow of having them stripped from you.
Never!
Experience childhood, experience senility, experience laughter, experience pain, experience love, experience hate, and above all, experience the nothing that they all matter now as the rain strikes you.
Get out of my head!
Let it saturate, let it soak.
So much pain...
And above all things look for the sun that will never come.
I canÕt stand it...
Look.
Stop it! Stop it!
Look harder.
Damn the voice! Damn the mountain! Damn the world!
See what your life has come to.
Miserable failure!
Expect everything.
You have a knack for this.
YouÕll never get this done!
Why is this happening to me?
YouÕve had it coming for a long time, boy!
You donÕt deserve that life!
Pain comes from all life.
Desperate hopeful! Always looking in the wrong places!
You seem to be looking in all the right places.
Maybe I need to look to a new place.
ÒMama,Ó I whisper. ÒI pray youÕll let me come to you.Ó
I look up as I step forward.
I see the silhouette of a man, staring into the sky...
A man with wings...
And he turns to me...
ÒSave me!Ó I scream.
ÒQuid feci?Ó a voice replies, shattering into pieces in the cloud.
And I see nothing.

A Dare

Marcus Evander and Titus are all taking their breaks today. Their fathers donÕt need them working in the fields today They all watch me play with the new toy that Mr Fonte has let me see. A man starts to shout
ÒHey whatÕs wrong with you Where are you going?Ó
Marcus looks up. I keep playing with the toy.
ÒHey Iulus whereÕs that strange man going off to?Ó says Marcus
ÒYou mean Mr Fonte?Ó
I turn around and see Mr Fonte heading to the forest. All of the grown people follow him until they reach the outside circle of the village. After they watch him they go back to their talking really quietly.
ÒDid you see that That weird guy is going to the mountain!Ó says Evander
ÒWow IÕve never seen anyone up the mountain before!Ó says Titus
Marcus laughs. ÒThatÕs where all the criminals go you knowÓ
ÒYeah my parents told me about thatÓ I say.
ÒMy mama told me that their ghosts are still up there!Ó says Evander
ÒMy pati told me that no one ever comes back from that place!Ó says Titus
Marcus gets that look on his face like heÕs about to dare something. Titus and Evander back off because they know what that face means I smile because IÕm feeling brave today.
ÒI dare someone to follow that guyÓ says Marcus.
ÒNot meÓ says Titus
ÒNot meÓ says Evander
ÒWell is anyone not scared?Ó says Marcus
ÒIÕll do it!Ó I say
Titus and Evander look at me like IÕm crazy. IÕve been waiting all this time to prove that IÕm not scared of nothing and nowÕs the best time to do it! IÕm going to climb the mountain that everyone in the entire village is too scared to climb!
ÒIÕll see you later!Ó I say
I run after Mr Fonte. I go past the dirt circle and past the tall grass that leads to the forest. The forest is really dark but IÕm not afraid so I keep going and I catch up to Mr Fonte soon.
ÒMr Fonte wait for me!Ó I say
Mr Fonte doesnÕt say anything back.
ÒMr Fonte?Ó
He still doesnÕt say anything back. Is he mad at me?
ÒMr--Ó
All of a sudden Mr Fonte starts to fly from the ground. I scream and grab onto his waist. He begins to fly really high up to where the birds fly and he goes into the cloud and I donÕt know whatÕs going on because this has never happened before and IÕm so scared that IÕm going to fall Those other boys would be pretty scared too Mama IÕm sorry I took that dare Wait is that ground down there I think I can touch it I can touch it! I can!
I let go of Mr FonteÕs waist. Mr Fonte keeps flying up the mountain not saying anything. He must really not be afraid. I was so scared that I couldnÕt say anything!
ThereÕs a little path that goes up the mountain Maybe if I follow it IÕll see Mr Fonte!
All I can do is follow the path I guess

Awakening

I wake to see a man standing outside of a cave.
A man... with wings...
ItÕs raining outside.
The man stares to the sky, letting the rain soak him with all its might. His black wings, soaked with rain, quiver a little.
ÒTempus est,Ó he whispers.
With a painful scream on the manÕs part, the wings are suddenly pulled into his back, tearing a hole in his black robe. He drops to his knees, covering himself with his large, angelic sleeves, as feathers fly madly about. One flies onto my face.
I am too weary to brush it away. It flutters off on its own.
He begins to unfasten a gold chain around the back of his neck, trembling with sobs. He finds quickly that he cannot. His hands are too unsteady. Seeing that, he screams in frustration, choked with tears, and tears the chain from his neck. Another rip of cloth.
The chain in front probably snagged onto his robe.
I stare at it for a moment, a large, crescent-like shape in front, glistening with the gentle fire of gold. Three stones are on it, all with inscriptions of characters that I do not understand. The man stares at the chain, and then rises to his feet.
WhatÕs going on here?
With another scream, he hurls the chain into the cloud. He snaps with his other hand. The chain shatters into pieces.
My mouth drops unconconsciously in awe.
The man turns to me with these sad, red eyes. A large rip runs down his robe, revealing his chest. The manÕs hair, longish and stark white, blows madly in the air. A large piece of black cloth serves as his belt.
Such fury!
ÒW-who are you?Ó I ask.
All of a sudden, dark tattoos begin appearing on him. Tattoos of strange images that I do not understand. They glow with a cold fire as they form, but they quickly cool into a steely black. One runs down his forehead, another makes stripes on his cheekbones, another makes something on the back of his neck that I cannot recognize. All I see are black wings coming around his neck. The tattoo on his chest frightens me.
ÒYou speak in the coarse tongue,Ó the man whispers.
I am confused.
Who is this lunatic?
ÒThe coarse tongue? What do you mean by that? Everyone speaks like this,Ó I reply.
ÒMmm. Six hundred years makes such a difference in the language people speak,Ó chuckles the man, softly.
Six hundred... what did he just say?!
ÒWho are you? What are you?Ó I ask.
The man chuckles.
ÒThe great scourge, the destroyer of the mountain cities and towns...Ó begins the man.
ÒThere never were any cities in the mountains,Ó I interrupt.
The man shakes his head pensively, and sighs.
ÒThere were. In that case, I am Nemo,Ó says the man.
ÒNemo?Ó I ask.
WhatÕs with this guy?
Nemo buries his head in his hands, and begins to shake.
I try to stand, but I cannot.
ÒWhatÕs with this? I canÕt stand up!Ó I exclaim.
Ò... buried under your own...Ó Nemo whispers.
I sigh, and relax.
How did I get up here, trapped with a crazy man like this? He thinks heÕs six hundred years old--
ÒI am older than that, if you wish to know,Ó says Nemo.
I gasp. How did--
ÒI apologize,Ó Nemo sighs. He grits his teeth, and moans in pain for a moment.
ÒI will not intrude any longer in your mind,Ó he whispers, rubbing his temples.
I blink, utterly confused.
Who is this man? Why does he act this way...?
Nemo suddenly stands, and looks out the caveÕs mouth.
ÒSomeone is coming,Ó he whispers.
Shuddering, he adds, ÒSomeone who I fear greatly.Ó
Who could a man with so much power fear? A man with power has no need to be afraid...

ItÕs A Rainy Mountain

It starts to rain as I keep climbing the mountain. ItÕs been really cloudy but IÕve learned how to make shapes out in the clouds so I can walk all right. The rain drops tickle me as they fall running down my back and my arms and my legs I keep walking.
Mama always tells me that whenever it starts raining I need to find shelter. I asked her what shelter was and she told me that shelter is a place where you can get cover from the rain. I asked her if a house was shelter and she said it was. I know IÕm not going to find a house up here but maybe a hole in the mountain can work okay I think I see one of those just a few more steps up in front of me. I run the rest of the way.
ThereÕre already people in here!
Wait is that Mr Fonte?
ÒMr Fonte?Ó I say
ÒIulusÓ Mr Fonte says
Another strange man is in the cave too. He wears black and he looks so white like a ghost
ÒIs that a ghost Mr FonteÓ I say.
ÒMore than that.Ó says the ghost
His voice scares me so much but when he looks at me he seems so scared of me. He has strange marks on his face and they look scary too.
ÒI see you are frightened of me little Iulus. Well do not be afraid I am more afraid of you than you will ever be of me in your entire lifeÓ says the ghost.
I do not know what he is talking about but I think he is very afraid of me. I do not know why he is so afraid of me but what he says calms me down because it makes me feel strong.
ÒWhy are you so afraid Nemo?Ó says Mr Fonte.
Mr Fonte keeps laying down on the rock that heÕs been laying on
ÒCan you get up Mr FonteÓ I say.
Mr Fonte shakes his head no The ghost Nemo stands up.
ÒIulus I do not know why he can not stand nor do I know why I am so afraid of you I believe it is because you are someone who reminds me of someone else.Ó says Nemo
I still donÕt understand what heÕs saying.
ÒWhat do you mean Mr NemoÓ I say.
Mr Fonte laughs and says ÒDonÕt worry about it too much Iulus. You might understand when you get olderÓ
Older? Why do I have to be older to understand?
ÒBut IÕve been eating all of my vegetables and broccoli! IÕm grown enough!Ó I say
ÒI guess you have to keep eating that broccoli IulusÓ says Mr Fonte
ÒYou should be happy that you are not grown little Iulus.Ó says Nemo.
I sigh and walk around This is a boring hole in the mountain. I walk behind Nemo and I see something move. Something on his back is moving!
I look at it because thereÕs nothing else in this hole in the mountain to look at.
A strange man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo is standing next to a girl who is very pretty She almost looks like the strange man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo. The man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo is hugging the girl who is very pretty. It looks like he cares a lot about the girl who is very pretty. A mean looking man comes up and takes the girl who is very pretty away from the man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo. The man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo is very sad but lets the girl who is very pretty go with the mean looking man because the mean looking man is very strong At first it looks like the girl who is very pretty likes the mean looking man because he is so strong but after a while she doesnÕt like him and she wishes she was back with the man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo but the mean looking man wonÕt let her go. The mean looking man begins hitting the girl who is very pretty until she is very weak. The man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo comes and sees this and he gets very mad and he sprouts these black wings from his back and he starts scratching at the mean looking man. The mean looking man fights back at first but the man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo is strong and he beats the mean looking man until he is dead. The man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo makes sure the girl who is very pretty is okay She wakes up but she sees the blood all over the man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo and she sees his black wings and she screams because she is very afraid because her brother has turned into a monster The man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo is very sad because his sister turns into a monster and he is also very angry... he canÕt control himself because heÕs so mad...
Is the man who looks a lot like the ghost Nemo... Nemo?

Recognizing Fear

I can feel the boyÕs watchful eyes running down my back, watching the markings, watching, watching. He knows. He knows.
ÒYou were drawn here, were you not, Tantalus?Ó I ask.
Tantalus looks shocked for a second. Yet he comes to a realization.
ÒYou were the voice calling me,Ó he replies.
He knows. He knows.
I sigh.
I realize am broken, broken past recognition, past anything that I have been, stripped down to nothing and nothing else.
Am... I... beautiful...?
This... is... what it means... to be broken?
Does brokenness lead to redemption?
So this is the soul that I have drawn. This is the man that I will redeem.
But how?
Vulnerability. To break the mind down can do two things: weaken or strengthen.
Strengthen him. Now is the time. You cannot wait any longer.
ÒI fear myself, Tantalus,Ó I say.
He stares at the ceiling for a moment, and sighs.
ÒI fear myself, too,Ó he replies.
The boy is confused once again. I turn to him.
ÒIulus, you should go home. This is no place for a young boy whose parents are already looking for him,Ó I say.
His eyes widen.
ÒBut the rain,Ó pleads Iulus. ÒI need shelter.Ó
ÒThe rain will go away if you go down the mountain, Iulus. DonÕt be afraid to get a little wet,Ó I say, reassuring him.
He stalls for a moment, looking to Tantalus for a moment, and then looking to me. He then nods, and runs out of the cave.
Sheer innocence...
Innocence I once... destroyed...
ÒTantalus, I have done a great many things. Things that never should have happened. Things that people believe never happened. I was no liar when I told you I was the Ôgreat scourgeÕ. Mortals feared my presence. They were destroyed by my power. I never thought that a mortal could be on the same level as me.
ÒHowever, we share something in common.Ó
ÒWhatÕs that?Ó asks Tantalus.
ÒWe fear ourselves,Ó I reply.
The destroyer fears himself...
ÒI know that,Ó says Tantalus.
... after he realizes what he has destroyed...
ÒYou told me.Ó
... and does not feed off of the power of the action.
Something more is in his mind. Something more we have in common.
ÒWe also wish that we can become the little boy who has just left.Ó
Yes, I want to be innocent...
Tantalus is silent for a moment. His lips tremble to speak.
ÒYes...Ó
ÒWe have become something completely different than what we thought we would be.Ó
Ò... yes...Ó
ÒAnd now we fear that we will tarnish the innocence of a boy.Ó
Tantalus continues to stare at the ceiling, struck with a sense of wonder. I sigh. There is a grievous weight upon this man. A weight only he can take off... if he could realize he has the power to overcome it...
ÒListen, mortal Tantalus. Listen well. I have the power to make myself not exist. I can become a part of that forgotten history. For six hundred years I struggled against that power...Ó
A struggle that has made you weaker...
I should have never struggled.
Ò... yet now I see it is my only means of redemption. DonÕt follow me there. I am past freeing. In the end I am accepted nowhere. But you...Ó
A mortal has more of a chance of salvation than I.
TantalusÕ eyes widen. ÒWhat do you plan to do with me?Ó
I approach him, staring straight into his eyes. He closes them, shaking violently.
ÒIf I canÕt help myself... at least let me help you.Ó

Going Back Down

That was really weird what happened up there I was so scared but I felt so not scared. I felt like I had this power that no one had and it made me feel so powerful but I couldnÕt understand half the things that those guys were talking about.
Maybe I shouldnÕt want to grow up so fast Maybe if I get older IÕll lose that power that I felt in the hole Maybe I should have fun right now Maybe I should watch where IÕm going right now so I can live so I can grow older and find out whatÕs going on in my head right now.
ThatÕs a good idea.
This mountain isnÕt as evil as all of the grown ups say it is because it isnÕt dangerous and it didnÕt kill me when I walked on it. IÕll go back to the village and tell everybody how not dangerous this mountain is so maybe one day we can find out whatÕs on top and whatÕs on the other side.
I hope Mama and Pati arenÕt worrying too much because I donÕt want them to

In A Different Light

I wake to find myself in a stranger place from where I last woke up. Everything around me white. I feel mist wrapping around my ankles.
Damn, whatÕs wrong with me in waking up in all the wrong places?
ÒWell, this is something new. The one who once guarded the mind has now let everything else in.Ó
I turn. ItÕs Nemo.
He is a stark contrast from the white.
ÒWhy have you brought me here?Ó I ask.
You know the answer.
You know the answer.
ÒI believe, since it is you who has brought us here, that you know the answer,Ó replies Nemo.
I do know the answer.
And suddenly, I do not have the strength to stand.
ÒWhatÕs happening to me?!Ó I scream.
ÒYouÕve never felt this before? Certainly you have. You carry it all too well.Ó
I fall to my knees.
Such a great weight...
This is what you call carrying it?
I keep myself from falling on my face by supporting myself with my hands. Nemo approaches me.
I can feel his presence.
He circles about me, and sighs.
ÒWhy do you have to go around like this?Ó he asks.
Why do I?
ÒYou can be free, you know.Ó
Free to fly away. Free to spiral upward. Free to be sucked into the vast plains of void that lie above me.
This weight is my only anchor.
ÒIt keeps me to the ground,Ó I reply.
Nemo laughs. It chills me.
ÒWhat? You want to get closer to the ground? This is not close enough for you?Ó
My elbows... are shaking... trying to... give out... on me...
ÒI have never seen a mortal want to get this close to the ground in my life.Ó
They give. I fall flat to the ground.
This is where you are.
This is where you should be.
What can I do about it?
The mist tickles my nose as it floats by.
The mist... like clouds...
ÒThe mist... like clouds...Ó I whisper.
ÓDamn you, boy! You canÕt ever focus! Why donÕt you become more useful to this farm, or at the least, this family! YouÕre wasting valuable sunlight! Your headÕs so damned high up in the clouds...Ó
ÒMy father... he always said that my head was in the clouds. He was right. Look where I am now,Ó I say.
ÒYou could not be any more mistaken. You can see that for yourself.Ó
IÕm as close to the ground as IÕll ever be.
I... I canÕt breathe!
ÒYou always wanted more in life, Tantalus.Ó
ThatÕs right.
You always wanted what you didnÕt have.
You always wanted more than you had.
You always wanted what you couldnÕt have.
You always wanted...
ÒEveryone wants more in life than they already have. It is a perfectly normal human feeling.Ó
ÒHow can you understand what IÕm feeling? YouÕre a... a...Ó
ÒWhat I am does not matter. I have felt that desire, as well.Ó
Get to the point, while youÕre down here! YouÕre so weak. Why donÕt you stand?
Who told me to stop feeling that feeling?
ÒMy father...Ó
My lips speak before my thoughts can form.
ÒHe told you to forget that feeling,Ó Nemo says.
Damn.
ÒI hate him so much. Grounding everything I had in store.Ó
Nemo hisses. My heart stops for a moment.
ÒDo not speak ill of the dead.Ó
I feel a chill down my spine.
HeÕs dead?
HeÕs dead?
HeÕs dead.
ÒBesides, he had no control of you. He was jealous of you. Did you know that?Ó
What?
ÒHe always wanted what you had: that crazy ambition.Ó
This makes no sense!
ÒHe hurt me! He abused me! He made me feel worthless! He... He... He...Ó
ÒSo he did,Ó Nemo says, calmly.
I rise to my hands.
ÒHe made me feel like a failure...Ó
I rise to my knees.
Ò... and I canÕt get that out of my head...Ó
I stand.
Ò... as hard as I try, I canÕt get that out of my head.Ó
For some reason...
The weight is gone!
Nemo is silent for a moment. He crosses his arms underneath the sleeves of his robes. His face is fixed with a pensive look. A lone bang waves around without wind, as if it had a mind
its own.
He speaks.
ÒTantalus, I see why you have dreaded coming here. You shouldnÕt fear as much as you do. The past is the past. You cannot change that. I cannot change that.
ÒTantalus, I cannot help you understand yourself. I believe that is why you have brought me here. To tell the truth, you do not need my help. Perhaps you needed me to provide the opportunity, but you really do not need me here.
ÒI see you thirst for something. The truth is, you cannot find it in others. Perhaps... if you think like a child. Perhaps then you will find what you have searched for.Ó
Think... like a little child?
Innocence?
Innocence finds truth?
Is there a truth hiding inside me?
What could be hiding inside you?
Why are you worrying about whatÕs hiding inside. You know, what youÕre looking for is locked deep inside deep inside because you never thought about opening it up You always thought it was so simple maybe too simple and you were looking for it in all the wrong places because you thought it wasnÕt supposed to be that simple. YouÕre always thinking so hard but you know itÕs so easy to see the answer YouÕve been looking at it for so long now
A young man is so close to the city that heÕs been waiting to go to his entire life. He has been looking forward to this moment for so long now. But his mind is elsewhere.
ÒI wish IÕd never run away from home. I wish I could run back and say that IÕm so sorry.Ó
And then he realizes that thereÕs nothing he can do about that. HeÕs too far away from home to walk back, too close to what heÕs running towards. At least he can send his spirit back to them.
ÒI swear that everything that I do--Ó
Ò-- I do it all for my family, not for myself, so that theyÕll know IÕve never forgotten them.Ó
YouÕve been looking at the wrong side for so long All you have to do is turn the thought over...
The answer?
And suddenly, I realize something.
A peace comes over me. A peace that lets me feel that nothing that IÕve done matters any more. My faults are merely temporary. My strengths are merely temporary. What I have believed about myself has changed. What others believed about me can change. All my bitterness, all my anger is gone now. I cannot explain why.
But I have found what I have thirsted for.
And I am finally satisfied.

Returning

ÒIulus!Ó ÒIulus!Ó ÒIulus!Ó
So many people are calling out my name that I donÕt know where to go in this dark forest and I feel so lost but all I have to do is keep running forward
ÒMama! Pati! IÕm here!Ó I say
I can hear them I can hear them!
I run faster but itÕs probably too dark in this forest to be running so IÕd better watch my next step--

Accepted...?

Something has called me.
And I must answer.
I open my eyes, and find myself in the middle of a dark forest.
Darkness does not matter to me.
But... there is a boy... injured...
A blow to the head by a low tree branch.
I recognize this boy.
Shouts. Shouts of worry. Shouts of a searching group
Perhaps this is my redemption...?
I clothe myself with the clothes I once despised. I transform myself into what I have once destroyed. I become what I have hated.
But I see it is the only way!
I approach the boy.
My power will remain bound... they donÕt ever have to know.
This is what I have longed for.
I pick the boy up in my arms.
ÒHelp!Ó I scream.
Torches.
Fire. Crimson light...
ÒIulus! Where are you?Ó
I will never look at it the same again...
ÒI have found someone!Ó I shout.
The light comes closer. The villagers are coming.
ÒHeÕs been hurt!Ó I shout.
Injured enough to forget everything that happened...
I swear that I will not let this boy die.
The villagers finally arrive. Two emerge from the crowd, crying and shaking in fear.
ÒIs he all right?Ó the woman asks, taking the boy from me.
ÒI be-- excuse me. I think heÕll be all right,Ó I reply.
The woman embraces her young boy as if he were a baby once again.
ÒThank you so much,Ó says the man. ÒWho are you, and how can we repay you?Ó
I think for a moment.
Now is the time.
ÒMy name is Lucius. IÕve... been looking for a place to call home.Ó

On The Road

I wake to find myself on the road, nearby the cart that I left before, with my load on my back. Nothing is gone.
The clouds are rolling in.
Nothing has changed.
In the back of my mind, a little boy is running to his father, coming home from the fields. He leads the group making sure the cows home.
And a fallen angel is making sure that side of him never exists.