OK. Here is my story.   It was real fun to write, and my daughter Miranda helped me on some of the "Legend of Zelda" parts, so she deserves some of the credit.   Enjoy.

Rawley Cooper

Irrevocable Doom

6:24 AM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"The Final Briefing"

Doomed.  I'm sitting here in yet another briefing.  The LAST briefing before the start of the mission.  And my LAST briefing in this life.  Since as near as I can figure it, I had about 8 hours before I am killed in a very horrible way and then totally forgotten by the world.  Totally doomed.  "Firm and irrevocable is my doom", just to quote Shakespeare (which Richard is doing all the time). The quote comes from the play "As You Like It".  I didn't like it.

Not that this is anything new for me.  I knew I was doomed to die a horrible and pointless death at a young age for as long as I can remember.  In fact, I'm a little surprised I made it to the ripe old ago of 20.  But I knew deep in my heart that the gods were just playing with me, delaying the inevitable. Giving me a little hope so my death could be that much more horrible.  But it's clear now that my doom is "firm and irrevocable", and just as horrible and pointless as I always expected.

The pointless briefing continues:  "Blaa blaa blaa.  Twenty-two previous missions.  Blaa, blaa.  All of them ended in miserable failure! Blaa, blaa blaa. Let me detail all the horrible ways the members of those previous missions died.  Blaa, blaa, bloody, blaa blaa, severed, blaa, blaa, no body left, blaa, blaa, blaaa."

"Sit up straight.  Get that grimace off your face!  You should be proud of being included in such an illustrious mission!  Smile!  Look proud!  In briefings, your grandfather always listened carefully to every word; you never know when a piece of information will save your life.  And say 'thank you' when I give you good advice, your grandfather always did!"

That last part was shouted in my ear by Nagarina (I called her "Naggy", but never when she could hear me).  She was my grandfather's personal fairy.  Yes, I know, traveling with a fairy is considered pretentious and ostentatious.  But it is sort of a family tradition, and I've never been able to say "no" to my grandfather.  But in the short 4 days I've been with her, I've concluded that Naggy is my least favorite creature on the planet.  And that includes all my companions in this mission, most of whom make it obvious they think I'm a joke (there are also a few who think I'm a joke but are nice enough not to bring it up).  In fact, I hate Naggy more than I hate the homicidal maniac who will be causing my bloody death in about 8 hours.

I started to listen to the briefing again.  Marvin, our "leader", finished with all the bloody descriptions of past missions and started his closing pep talk.  "I don't want these past failures to discourage you.  The poor souls, may they rest in peace, who were on them were just ordinary people, the sons of butchers and file clerks.  Most of them were just sages and wizards, as if magic was ever any good for anything.  And everyone knows you can't defeat magic with magic."

Marvin was clearly very excited, so he was pacing the small stage where he stood. But Marvin was also a little plump and very out of shape.  So all this pacing was making him pant.  To cover this up, he stopped for a moment and started petting his small annoying lap dog that he carried with him everywhere.  "Isn't that right Cupcake?  Silly wizards, thinking magic could defeat those bad monsters.  When have you ever read a story where an evil sorcerer was defeated by wizards and sages?  You wouldn't be so silly, would you my precious?  Would my baby Cupcake?"

"We, on the other hand, won't make those mistakes." He was addressing the audience again.  "We are not wizards here, we are warriors.  Like knights of old, we are the sons of the best people in Hyrule.  Most of us can trace our lineage back to the old nobility and royalty of historical Hyrule.  Ê And all of us come from the best families, the most powerful families in Hyrule today."  Ê The audience, my companions, were all smiling at this, and a few lifted their fists in a sign of agreement.  Ê I tried not to look too revolted.

"And we have an advantage none of the rest of them had.  We, as the sons of powerful and noble families, have been trained for years in the use of the sword.  The ancient and noble art of dueling.  It will not be magic that wins this fight, and as we all know technology will be useless where we are going.  So only the sword will triumph there.  And even though none of us has ever seen real battle before, we have been training all our lives for this battle.  we are the new Knights of Hyrule!"  Marvin lifted his arm up and shouted this last part.

The pep talk seemed to work.  Everyone jumped to their feet and cheered.

Everyone under the age of 25 that is.  The mission included one "adult", forced on Marvin by the central committee.  Ê This was Mr. Yim, our equipment specialist, an old man about 80 whose mind had clearly left him years ago.  He was repacking one of the backpacks; he had clearly forgotten that a briefing was going on.

I suspect that the reason the central committee had been so insistent on including Mr. Yim was because in the current system they weren't allowed to fire anyone.  So sending him on a suicide mission was the next best thing.

I also jumped to my feet at the end of his talk.  Not that I was excited by the talk or anything, but because I didn't want to call attention to myself by not slapping the hands of all my doomed companions in celebration of our impending horrible death.

"Come now.  Show some more excitement!"  Naggy yelled in my ear again.  Ê "You should be honored to be included with such an illustrious company.  Go congratulate Marvin on such a fine speech.  Show your support.  And while you are at it, go talk to that absolutely gorgeous Richard.  He's the real leader of this group."

Talking to Marvin was the last thing I wanted to do, but I know from experience that if you don't do what Naggy said, she continues to repeat the exact same advice over and over and over again till you do it.  Even talking to Marvin was better than that.

Of course, getting to Marvin wasn't easy.  The room was filled with the same metal folding chairs that exist in every dimension.  Ê They are simply uncomfortable when lined up carefully in rows.  But when people try to move them aside to make a path somewhere, they somehow get tangled together and form a totally impassible barrier.

When I finally made it to Marvin, he was alone on the stage, catching his breath from having to stand up for so long.  Everyone else was crowded around Richard, hanging on his every word (like always).

"Ahh!  Ê There he is:  The grandson of the great warrior, Lem the swordmaster."  Since I haven't introduced myself to you readers yet, I should explain that was me.  That was my name "Grandson of the great Lem".  That is what everyone calls me.  I had a real name when I was born; my mother called me Ned.  And she still does call me Ned, but she is the only one.

"Wonderful speech.  Very inspirational." I said politely but dryly.

"You really think so?  Ê Coming from the grandson of the great hero Lem, that is a wonderful complement.  Ê Cupcake and I are so excited about leading this historic mission." As he said this he casually held up Cupcake for me to pet.  Ê I reached out to do this, but pulled my hand back when Cupcake tried to bite my fingers off.  Probably just as well.  Cupcake is more hair than dog, and I always suspected that she had fleas.  By the way she was scratching manically, it seemed particularly likely this morning.  Ê Marvin didn't seem to notice; however, as he cuddled Cupcake a little before he continued talking.

"As you know, I was raised in Tasnica; my father has a lot of investments there.  A wonderful place, robot servants do everything for you.  And the parties.  Parties every night, more splendid than anywhere else in the megaverse.  But my roots are here, I am a Hyrulian in my heart.  Ê And I'm so looking forward to this mission.  I just get goose bumps.  A chance to live like my ancestors, for a little while.  Walking on ground, breathing air that hasn't been filtered and processed.  And I know I'm just like the legendary heroes of old, it is in my blood.  Ê I simply haven't had any need to do anything heroic before this.  Isn't that right Cupcake, we are going to be heroes, aren't we you cutie."

Marvin became very involved petting and talking to Cupcake, so I figured it was time to move on and talk to Richard.  This was easier said then done.  Not only did I have a maze of folding chairs to wade through, but Richard was at the center of all the other members of our group.  This included 9 other young men, ages 17 Ð 22, and Richard's personal entourage (Mud and Zelda).

As I tried to plot a route to Richard, Mr. Yim passed by.  He suddenly seemed to notice me, made a polite little bow, and asked "I don't remember seeing you here before.  Are you one of the boys who will be fighting the monsters?"

You need to understand, that Mr. Yim has asked me that question about 12 times since I got here.  Exactly that question, word for word.  So far the best answer I've come up with is "Yes, I am the grandson of the hero Lem the Swordmaster.  Ê My name is Ned." I don't usually mention my real name when introducing myself (grandson of the great Lem is enough for most people), but if I don't mention it to Mr. Yim, he always asks.  I give him credit for that.

"Ned, that name sounds familiar.  Are you sure we haven't met?  Wait, I know! My best friend is named Ned.  Wonderful man; loves dragons.  Ned studies dragons, you know, it's his profession.  But now I remember, Ned exploded.  A very messy thing that.  So you can't possibly be Ned.  Who are you and why are you pretending to be Ned?"  Again, he used almost the exact same words he always does, and he ended this as he always does, a little angry.

"I'm not your friend Ned.  I'm Ned the grandson of Lem the Swordmaster." I replied simply.

"Oh, that's alright then.  I'd hate to see you blow up like Ned did.  See you later son."  Mr. Yim said, and moved on to something else as if the conversation had never happened.

At this point, the group around Richard were still around Richard, but they spread out a bit.  I thought I could make it to him if I was lucky.  As I was about to move in that direction Naggy started yelling in my ear again: "I told you to go talk to Richard, not that crazy old Mr. Yim.  Ê Why don't you ever listen to me?  Your grandfather always listened to me.  Now go talk to him, and say something nice; not like the last time!"

When Richard saw me, he motioned me over "Here he is.  Our young swordmaster.  Grandson to the great hero Lem.  Ê Are you ready for a real fight today?  Now I don't want you to worry, son, you can stay behind me where it will be safe." He said this giving me a glowing smile.

I should mention that Richard is about my size, and only 19, so he is younger than me.  But he always treats everyone as if he is their leader and older than them.  This must work for him, because most people treat him like he is the leader in any situation.  And in my case, I'm sure he thinks he is older than me.  You see, while I'm tall, I am also painfully thin and "lanky".  My face (beardless and covered with freckles) looks 14.  Also, he has seen me practice with my grandfather's sword, and I fight like a 10 year old.  So I took no offence.  Ê In fact, I might take him up on his offer to stay behind him in the fight.  Not that it will help any, I'm doomed either way.  But avoiding a horrible death as long as possible just seemed to fit my personal style better.

"You are such a softy Richy."  This was said by Zelda in a nasal whinny voice.  I wouldn't call Zelda Richard's girlfriend, since he never shows any affection towards her.  Rather I think of her as his arm ornament.  He wore her like he'd wear any of this clothing (and he wore all his clothing very well).  Ê Technically Zelda was going with us to fight. But somehow I doubt she was thinking of fighting when she put on her current outfit.  The breastplate was metal at least.  But it emphases her breasts more than protected them.  And it left her shoulders and a large amount of cleavage bare to attacks.  In that "warrior princess" outfit, she would be dead in the first 5 minutes.

Richard stood up.  Ê And looked like he was about to speak.  Suddenly, the room got very quite.  Ê "'The hour's now come; the very minute bids thee ope thine ear.'  That is from the Shakespeare's Tempest.  If we are to stay on schedule, we have only 20 minutes to pack up and get to the shuttlecraft.  It will not be an easy day's work, but it is a task well within our power.  'But screw your courage to the sticking-place, and we'll not fail.' (Macbeth)"

Everyone stood up, and gave a silent cheer and nod of agreement.  But Richard wasn't done yet.  "Remember we are comrades in arms, knights of Hyrule.  We fight as heroes as our ancestors did.  Say it with me:  Honor, Fidelity, and Unity"  Ê The last phrases were shouted by everyone in unison.  Even I got in the spirit and put real feeling into it.

There was no packing left to do, and Marvin had a team of 10 robots who carried all our gear for us.  So all we really had to do was move down the hallway to the launch bay and move into the shuttle craft.

As they were leaving the room, Richard looked around, and then stopped at the doorway.  Naturally, everyone else stopped also.  He was Richard after all.

"Something is not right."  He said, as if thinking. "I know. Mud.  Break something."

Mud was the other member of Richard's entourage.  He was Richard's lackey.  And like any good lackey, all his brains were in his fists.

"Mud like smashing things!"  Mud looked around, and then noticed the wooden podium on the stage.  He ran up to it giggling and started pounding it with his fists. The first double fisted pound gave off a loud noise but seemed to have no effect.  The second pound clearly cracked the wood, but the podium looked about the same.  The third pound added to the damage, and by the sixth and seventh pound, there were only broken pieces of wood on the ground.

"Mud smash real good!" Mud said as he walked back to Richard.  Everyone cheered.

"I just love watching Mud break things.  For we are 'Men proud of destruction' (King Henry the 5th).  OK, I feel ready now.  Let's destroy an evil maniac." Richard said happily.  Everyone started moving towards the hanger with a renewed excitement.

For some reason, watching Mud destroy things had the opposite effect on me.  Maybe because Mud just reminded me too much of one of the monsters who would be killing me horribly in about 8 hours.  Not that Mud was a monster, he was definitely human.  In fact, we all were mostly human here (and mostly was as good as you usually got in Hyrule).  Richard, like me and Marvin and most of the others were Hylian (humans with a few elf traits such as pointy ears).  Zelda was Gerudo as were one or two others (humans with thin faces and long pointy noses), and a few were simply human.  Mud was probably also human (no pointy ears or nose), but it is hard to believe that a human could grow so big.  So there must have been at least one giant or troll in his heritage somewhere.

I got to the ship last; it took me time to drag my grandfather's incredibly heavy sword with me.  I could have just given it to a robot to carry, but that just seemed wrong.  Not that I knew much about robots.  Cars, video games, and simple blasters were mostly the limit of my experience with technology.

Marvin, still holding Cupcake, was running around making sure the robots packed everything, and themselves, carefully.  But the one seat open in the front, with Cupcake's favorite cushion on the seat next to it, was clearly reserved for Marvin. So I pushed my way into the very back of the shuttle where I took the last open seat, right next to Mr. Yim.

Mr. Yim seemed to notice me suddenly about a minute after I strapped myself in.  "I don't remember seeing you here before.  Are you one of the boys who will be fighting the monsters?" he asked.

Suddenly, I realized that it was going to be a very long two hour flight.  And my sense of doom wasn't helped when it occurred to me that Mr. Yim's job was to remember all the equipment and make sure we had it all.

"Firm and irrevocable is my doom" I thought for the 99th time. I really have spent too much time with Richard, I don't even like Shakespeare.

8:03 AM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"The Briefing after the Final Briefing"

I had been talking to Mr. Yim the whole trip so far.   I found he didn't forget me as easily when I was continually near to him.   But remembering things was still an effort for him.

"I think I got it now.   You are Ned, and you are my friend.   But you are not my friend Ned who blew up.   And you promise not to blow up like he did, so everything is going to be OK.   Is that correct?" Mr. Yim asked (yet again).

"Yes, Mr. Yim.   I think you have it now." I said politely.   After all, just because I was about to die, didn't mean I shouldn't still be polite.

"OK.   So I know who I am.   And now I know who you are.   So answer me this.   Where are we going again?"   Mr. Yim asked.   A variety of our companions were half listening to our conversations.   At this many of them laughed.

"There is an evil sorcerer who is trying to take over Hyrule.   He believes he is the descendent of Ganondolf, and therefore the rightful ruler of Hyrule.   We are going to capture or kill him and save Hyrule."   I answered.

"That's very interesting.   What is his name, maybe I know him!" Said Mr. Yim, taking an interest in the topic.

"We don't know his name.   All his followers just call him "Lord".   And we know nothing about him, other than he is an evil sorcerer." I patiently answered.

"Can't we just trace down all of Ganondolf's descendants, and figure out who he is?" Mr. Yim said, as if he discovered the answer to an important question.

"Unfortunately no.   Ganondolf returns or is reincarnated every 300 years.   Sort of a tradition.   And as I remember the stories, Ganondolf was not shy about talking his pants off when he was here.   So on average, the Ganondolf that showed up 300+ years ago has about 60,000 descendents.   And the one that showed up 600+ years ago, well pretty much every Gerudo on the planet is his descendent. In any case, this maniac is probably right about being a descendent of Ganondolf, but that doesn't help us any."

Mr. Yim seemed to think this over a while.   Then he asked "This is not a very big shuttle.   There only seems to be 15 of us here.   So how big is our army?   How many shuttles like this are going to destroy the threat?"

"This is it Mr. Yim.   Just us.   You see, this nutcase is hiding in a castle in an isolated area of northern Hyrule.   The area is riddled with crags and ravines and swamps and bogs and lava flows and you name it.   So attacking him with an army is out.   In that area the army would quickly become separated into small groups and the enemy could attack each group one at a time."   I patiently explained.

"That makes sense."   Mr. Yim said happily "So one question.   When we get there how long will we have to wait before the rest of the army shows up?"

"No Mr. Yim.   No rest of the army.   We are it.   Because of the terrain, big groups and armies do about as well (which means as poorly) as small groups.   So the government decided to use their resources to send a lot of small groups instead of one big one.   We are the 23rd group to try to destroy this nutcase."   This was getting me nowhere.

Then I noticed that Mr. Yim wasn't the only person listening to me.   Most of the back of the shuttle were leaning in and carefully listening to every word.   And I could understand why.   Marvin's briefings were full of details (usually gory details) but were long and boring.   Marvin didn't seem good at "executive summaries".   So many of my fellow warriors were appreciating hearing the details in clear summary form.   I made me feel good that I was adding something to the mission.   Not that it would help me much, I was doomed for sure.   But maybe one of the others could use this knowledge to get out of this alive.

Mr. Yim was thinking some more.   Then he brightened up "Ohh.   I get it. You boys are all wizards.   You are going there to challenge this enemy to a wizard's duel."

"No Mr. Yim.   None of us are wizards.   We don't know any magic.   It seems most of the previous 22 missions were made up of wizards.   And all 22 of them failed. Whoever this nutcase is, he is a very powerful wizard.   And the fact that he has an unlimited army of monsters to help and lives in a castle protected with magical force fields doesn't hurt. Magical attacks don't seem to work against him."   I said, careful to say it loud enough for everyone to hear.

Mr. Yim looked confused again.   "What did you say about an unlimited army of monsters?   Is that a figure of speech?"

"I'm afraid not. This nut is obviously able to construct "monster generators". You must have heard the old legends.   When Ganondolf and other villains took over Hyrule, they would flood the whole continent with an unending supply of monsters.   So many, that no matter how many you killed, the next day there were just as many as before.   This nut is using the same magic.   But he currently is only using it to make an unlimited army of monsters to protect his castle.   It is that army of monsters that will be our main obstacle when we attack the castle."   I also was thinking that it is this army of monsters that will probably kill me in some horrible way, but I wasn't going to say that out loud.

"That sounds like a pretty impassible obstacle.   Why even bother?   Why doesn't the government just blast the entire area with a phaser beam from space?   Then the enemy, his castle, all the monsters, everything is just one big crater.   No one hurt and problem solved."   Said Mr. Yim, again happy that he had figured out the perfect solution.

"They tried that.   Over and over again.   Phaser beams, phase alternating temporal beams, photon torpedoes, fire bombs, they even tried dropping large heavy objects on the castle from 80,000 feet.   But this nutcase has set up a magical force field all around the castle.   People and animals and monsters can walk through it, so can simple things like arrows or blaster fire.   But anything large enough, or heavy enough, or fast enough, or with enough energy is automatically stopped.   The only way to destroy the castle is to get through the force field first, and then destroy it from close up."   I was enjoying being the center of attention (as long as it didn't involve being the object of ridicule).

"OK.   I think I understand this now."   Said Mr. Yim happily.   "So we have filled a space ship up with blasters and bombs and missiles.   You children will carry all this destructive power to the castle and then blow it away."

I was also enjoying this.   And here was the punch line.   "Unfortunately no.   Because I haven't mentioned the worse part.   It seems this nut not only wants to take over all of Hyrule, he also wants to bring back the old days when Hyrule was a primitive place that relied on magic and human muscle rather than technology.     His cult's whole premise is that technology of any type is evil.   And he somehow discovered a way to cover an area with an "anti-technology" field.   Bombs, computers, batteries, even simple electricity doesn't work anywhere within the anti-technology field."

Mr. Yim looked confused again (and I didn't blame him).   "That makes no sense.   Human nerve cells work partially on electricity.   And the same chemical principles that make batteries work also are part of the human digestive process. If technology doesn't work within this field, then all life forms would die also.   Everything would die within such a field."

"I agree." I said "But you can't argue with the facts.   Previous missions have proven, you enter the field and suddenly crystal radios don't pick up radio waves, batteries go dead, and gun powder doesn't even burn.   But humans, monsters, and animals seem to be fine and function like normal.   Any creature who enters the anti-technology field is somehow changed or protected from its effects.   But any non-living object simply doesn't function anymore.   And that is why this nutcase has to be destroyed.   Currently only an area about 2 miles in diameter is covered in this anti-technology field, but given time he can cover the whole planet in it."

"Are you sure you got all this correct?   Because it's sounding pretty impossible to me."   Mr. Yim stated "Wait, I know.   If you can't blast him from a distance, and you can't beat him with magic, and you can't use technology close up:   You are planning to sneak up on him!   You children all become invisible, you all sneak in the castle when he is not looking, then stab him in the back.   Did I guess it right?"

I have to admit.   Mr. Yim's short term memory might be totally shot, but his brain was working thick and fast.   He had quickly located all the major methods of attack.

"Unfortunately no.   This nutcase is a powerful wizard, and seems to have a wide range of methods of getting information.   In every attack so far, he has always known exactly who was coming, when, and where.   He always had the perfect defense set up in advance.   Invisibility clearly doesn't work against him.   He probably had some magical alarms of some sort that tell him when someone gets near his castle.   He also probably can observe them from a distance and listen in to any orders they give.   We even speculate that he might be watching assault units like us before we even get close.   He might be listening in now.   And he might also pick a member or two of the party and read their minds from a distance.   Whatever he does, you can't sneak up on him."   Everyone in the back half of the shuttle was hanging on my every word.   This was fun.

Mr. Yim looked confused again.   "So let's see if I got this.   You can't out-magic this enemy. You can't use stealth. You can't use technology. You can't do anything unless you get close to the castle.   And to get close to the castle you have to get through an unlimited army of monsters.   There must be a loophole in all this.   In every video game, no matter how impossible things seem, there is always a loophole you can exploit."

"That is what the government figured." I explained "That is why there were 22 previous missions against this nutcase.   Everyone with an idea how they might defeat him put together an attack force to try it out.   So far, each has failed miserably, but eventually someone with come up with a plan that will work."

"Not someone.   Us.   We have the plan that will work.   'It cannot fail but by the violation of my faith; and then let nature crush the sides o' the earth together and mar the seeds within!' (The Winter's Tale)."     This was said by Richard.   I was surprised; I didn't realize my little executive review was being listened to all the way down to the middle of the shuttle where he was sitting.   Though I should have guessed he wouldn't let someone other then himself be the center of attention for long.

"You see Mr. Yim, Hyrule has a long tradition of impossible missions being accomplished by young unknown heroes.   And those heroes will be us.   You couldn't ask for better hero material than us.   Your companion there is the grandson of Lem the Swordmaster, one of our country's greatest living heroes.   Marvin's father is one our greatest leaders, so he is the obvious choice to lead this mission.   And the rest of us come from the best families; and as you know 'The royal tree doth leave us royal fruit' (Richard the 3rd)."   Richard was clearly addressing everyone in the shuttle, not just Mr. Yim.

"Everyone, repeat with me" Richard lead the group "Honor, Fidelity, and Unity" We all said in unison.

Of course, if Marvin really was a good leader, or if I had even 1/10th of my grandfather's skill with a sword, then Richard's speech might have made sense.   But as it is, all I could think was "Firm and irrevocable is my doom"

As everyone continued to congratulate themselves Mr. Yim got my attention and asked. "Thank you for making that clear.   I've been a little confused lately.   But you explained that perfectly.   Just like my friend Ned would have, before he blew up.   But you promised not to blow up, and I expect you to keep your word.   I just have one more quick question:   How long will we need to wait till the rest of the army and the wizards show up?"

I turned to Mr. Yim and tried to explain it all again, as the space shuttle hurried us to our doom.

9:07 AM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"The Breakfast in Hell"

We arrived at the landing site in northern Hyrule, just 12 miles from the castle.  The plan was simple, as I understood it.  We were to hike the 12 miles to the castle, probably fighting most of the way.  When we got there, we were supposed to fight our way in, kill the evil sorcerer, and get back to the shuttle and make our escape.  A classic video game plan.  Simple and direct.

Somehow it didn't happen that way.

When we approached the landing site, the forest and swamps beneath us looked almost picturesque.  Sort of like a beautiful stained glass window.  Or rather like a stained glass window that someone had shattered on the ground.  The landscape all around, full of jagged ravines and crags, looked broken.  Yes it was very colorful.  Green everywhere, with a beautiful red lava flow far to the north and a brownish swamp to the far east.  But there were jagged lines of black all through it and it looked like a puzzle that was never put together right.

I, like everyone else, got out of the shuttle and tightened our straps for the long hike.  Marvin, for once, let the robots unpack all the equipment.  He was too concerned with Cupcake, who seemed to have gotten car sick in the shuttle and was still looking very drained when we landed.

When he was satisfied Cupcake was OK. He called us to him.  "OK, we are on schedule and this looks like the perfect weather for storming an evil castle.  While we are gone, I've sealed up the shuttle air tight.  It looks like Cupcake has fleas, and I don't want those nasty bugs in my clean shuttle craft.  So it will be fumigated for the next 18 hours.  Whatever happens, don't break the seal before that time. The shuttle crew will stay here to guard the ship, and we will also leave Zelda behind to help them do that. I ordered 2 robots to stay behind to set up portable sterilization units.  I must insist, no one can get back on the ship unless they are completely decontaminated.  I don't want all these germs and bugs and things in my ship."

Everyone looked at him like he was crazy.  But he just continued "Now before we leave, Cupcake isn't feeling well and needs time to recover. So I've had the robots set up tables and a wonderful breakfast for us all.  Remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  And we will need all our strength for the hard day ahead."

This seemed insane to everyone.  After all, we could have had iron rations in the shuttle or could eat them while hiking to the castle.  So everyone seemed to look to Richard for an indication of what to do.  Richard thought a short time and then shrugged.  He sat down at one of the tables and the rest of us followed suit.

The breakfast was spectacular.  Somehow the robots had managed a feast cooked to perfection almost instantly.  The robots, I should mention, all looked identical and were all from the HZL-2000 series.  Marvin just called all of them "Hazel".  He was explaining to Zelda that they were actually an old outdated model of purely domestic servant robots.  Personally, I have had very little experience with robots, so to me they were a marvel of science.  If these were "outdated" it is hard to imagine what the state of the art was.  

During breakfast, I was eyeing the forest around me.  I'm not stupid.  The reason we landed 12 miles from the castle was because we knew from previous missions that the monsters only attacked groups within a 10 mile radius of the castle.  So the ship was probably perfectly safe here.  I could easily disappear into the woods, hang out for a few hours, then head back and wait for the others to return victorious or defeated (or not return as the case might be).  I could very easily pretend that I had gotten lost; I'm incompetent enough for that to be believable.  Not a very honorable way to avoid my certain doom, but beggars can't be choosers.

"I see you looking at the woods."  Naggy suddenly said in my ear.  "If you are thinking about running off, and abandoning that nice Richard, you better think again.  If you did something that cowardly, I could never show my face to the other fairies again.  You will not embarrass me like that!"

I started to deny having any such thoughts, but stopped myself in time.  When Naggy yelled in my ear usually only I and someone very close to me could hear her.  I quickly looked around and was very relieved that everyone near me seemed to intent on eating to have heard anything.  But if I answered her, they would certainly hear that.  My face turned bright red, in a combination or total embarrassment and anger, but I clenched my teeth together and tried to ignore Naggy.

"Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad" I don't know who said that (I don't think it was Shakespeare).  But clearly it was true for me.  Not only was I being pushed headlong into a horrible death, but just to torture me first, the gods sent me Naggy and Mr. Yim and Marvin.

"Well, you are clearly done eating." Naggy continued to yell in my ear. "Don't you think you should take care of business before we leave?  I've noticed you didn't do anything since you woke up this morning, and that was 5 hours ago.  You know when you are fighting for your life the enemy doesn't excuse you to do your business."

Naggy was right, of course.  In fact I was specifically avoiding using the facilities in the shuttle in fear that they weren't sound proof enough.  But I couldn't hold it in all day.  Other people seemed to be finishing up, so if I wanted any "privacy" I needed to go now.

You have to understand, since I grandfather insisted that I take Naggy with me, 4 days ago, visits to the euphemism were pure torture.  Naggy didn't seem to understand the concept of personal space, and so went with me everywhere.

I moved far off into the woods, hoping I was far enough away from anyone else doing the same thing.  You see one of Naggy's main functions as my "personal fairy" was to help me aim and target when I used arrows or other missiles.  The fact that I didn't use a bow didn't stop her, and somehow she saw all forms of aiming as being equally under her domain.

"OK, aim it at that tree, up a little, that's it.  OK, perfect, time to fire.  Hurry up, release.  Perfect shot." I finished as quickly as I could, straightened my clothes and headed back to the shuttle.  If I was lucky, we would leave soon, and I could get killed in some horrible way before I had to do that again.

1:31 PM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"The Lunch in Hell"

We had been hiking for 4 hours now, and by my guesswork we were still six miles from the castle.   Why so slow?   Well it certainly wasn't due to heavy fighting; we hadn't seen a single monster or enemy so far.

No, the problem was Marvin.   First off, Marvin insisted that we bring 8 of the robots to carry the equipment.   This made no sense, since there wasn't any equipment.   Everyone carried their own weapons, and that was supposed to be all we needed for this mission.   But Marvin insisted we would need food for the hike, and instead of Iron rations he had packed elaborate feasts along with all the gear needed to cook and prepare it.

The robots were built as domestic servants, they did not move quickly or well on irregular terrain.   So our pace was a slow walk.

Added to that, Marvin, who was clearly out of shape, took frequent breaks to rest up.   Two hours ago, we had stopped to have "Brunch", and now we were stopped for "Lunch".   No one but Marvin seemed at all hungry though, so we all nibbled on our food and found someplace to sit and think.

I was looking longingly at the woods again.   Getting lost would be soooo easy.

"Mind if I sit down and talk a little?" a voice I totally didn't recognize asked.   I looked up, but the person who was speaking had the sun directly behind him, and I couldn't make out the face.   For a moment I was puzzled, but that size and shape could only have belonged to one person.

"Not at all. I'd love the company."   I said as Mud sat next to me.   "Shouldn't that be 'Mud sit. OK?'" I asked laughing a little.

"If you want, I can continue to use my 'henchman' voice.   But it makes it real hard to have a normal conversation." Mud said.   His real voice had a very gentle mild quality to it.   I liked it.

"Why 'henchman'?   I always thought of you as a 'thug' or 'lackey' or maybe a 'sidekick'.   Don't only evil villains have 'henchmen'?"   I asked.   It probably was a very impolite thing to say, but somehow having a normal conversation with Mud was so strange a situation that I felt ordinary rules probably didn't apply.

"Come on now, the way I see it Richard fits perfectly into the "evil villain" stereotype.   Not that he has tried to take over the world yet or anything." Mud replied laughing.   Clearly he was not offended.

"I don't know, but I would pigeon hole him as the 'charismatic leader' type." I replied.

"Well, that too." Mud said "But if you remember a lot of 'evil villains' in stories are also 'charismatic leaders'.   If I remember, Ganondolf was very popular with the ladies and had a large number of followers.   But Ganondolf, like Richard, didn't have a moral bone in his body.   I wouldn't have thought that a smart kid like you would have been fooled by that winning smile of his." Mud said, still laughing.

"Well, there is where you are wrong." I said, enjoying the conversation.   "You see that I am slight of build and look very young.   So, based on appearances alone, you jump to the conclusion that I must be very smart.   I'm not smart, I wish I was. But along with being a terrible swordsman and athlete, I am also below average in the brains department.   And to prove this, let me point out that until just a minute ago I assumed that because you were so large and troll-like, that you must be as dumb as I am."

"Nah.   I wouldn't call that dumb.   Just easily fooled by appearances."   Mud seem to want to say more, couldn't seem to find the words, so I decided to break the pause.

"So, I'll give you 'henchman'.   So what made a smart kid like you decide to be a henchman?" I asked.

"The perks of course.   My father is a miner, and there are 10 of us kids at home.   Before I hooked up with Richard, I usually went to bed hungry.   But Richard's father is on the central committee.   So when I'm with him, I always have enough to eat; I get to go to the best parties; I meet all the prettiest girls.   And all I have to do is break things now and again." Mud said seriously "It's a good life, being a henchman."

"But can I ask you a personal question?" Mud continued.   He stopped laughing, all of a sudden; clearly this was why he had come over here to talk.

I nodded my head yes, and he asked: "Why are you here?   I mean why are you part of this mission?"

I was taken aback.   I wasn't sure what he was getting at.   "Same reason we all are here, I suppose; to rescue Hyrule from an evil maniac."

"No.   That's not what I mean. If it was just to rescue Hyrule, you could have joined any one of the previous missions, or even set up a mission of your own.   Why are you here?   On this mission?"   He looked around to make sure we were not being overheard and continued

"Every one of our companions, including Richard, were recruited by Marvin.   And the first thing Marvin does when recruiting is explain his theory that the sons of the rich and powerful were the obvious choices to carry out this quest.   Now only people like Richard, who really do believe that his parentage makes him superior to every other human, would believe that crap." He said this in a very soft voice, but with a lot of emotion.  

"I know that you don't believe it.   And I don't think you are fooling yourself about how dangerous this mission is.   So why did you join?" He finished.

"Mainly because my grandfather asked me to." I said simply.

"Come on.   There is more to it than that." He prompted me.

"OK, but it's a long story and sounds kind of silly." I replied.   He kept staring as if he expected me to continue, so I did.

"I was born as my grandfather's only living heir.   So it was always a fact of my existence that I would inherit his magic sword.   The master sword of legend."

"Wait a minute." Mud interrupted "The Master Sword of Legend is in a museum in North Viper? I saw it there!"

"It is.   It is in several museums that I know about.   So maybe this isn't the true and original master sword of legend. But it is A master sword of legend. And it is the sword my grandfather used to save Hyrule on at least 3 occasions, and it is a very magic sword, or so I'm told.   So it isn't something my grandfather could just sell or donate to charity or anything."   I tried to explain.

"So as his heir, I started training in the use of a sword as soon as I learned to walk.   Preparing to take over as the family sword master and owner of the magic sword has been the main purpose of my life.   And the fact that I have absolutely no talent for sword fighting doesn't seem to make any difference at all.   I'm clumsy, I'm slow, and I don't think fast on my feet (I don't think fast period)."   I admitted. Boy it was good to get this off my chest.

"Most people saw me as this big joke.   The sword master who was a terrible sword fighter.   But not my grandfather.   He was the only one who seemed to understand, the only one who seemed to know how I was feeling.   He really is a wonderful man, and I love him very much."   I was starting to choke up, so I continued quickly.

"About a week ago, he called me to his bedside (he's been sick for a few years now).   And he told me that it was time to pass the master sword on to me.   He also insisted I take his personal fairy Naggy, for this mission at least.   Personally, I just think he wanted to get rid of her." At this Naggy flew directly in front of my left eye so I could see her, and she gave me the finger.

"He also said something very strange." I said, ignoring Naggy "He said that I was not ready to be a hero yet. But that was good, because this mission didn't need a hero.   This mission needed soldiers.   And he said that I would like being a soldier."

"What's the difference?" Mud said, fascinated.

"That's exactly what I asked him.   He said a hero does whatever he can to accomplish his goal, even if that goal is impossible.   But a soldier just follows orders.   A soldier is part of something.   The soldier only succeeds if the group succeeds, and only fails if the group fails.   It doesn't matter if any of it makes sense to him or not, or even if his contribution seems small and unimportant.   It is being part of this greater whole that gives a soldier value."   I said this, recalling the words exactly as my grandfather spoke them.

I didn't tell Mud. But grandfather knew somehow that this was what I wanted more than anything in the world.   I've always been a loner, there is only so much teasing and ridicule a person can take.   And it is hard to get close to people who only know you as "the grandson of the great Lem".   But I always envied people like Richard and the others, because they were part of a group; they had each other.   And every time Richard started his chant of Honor, Fidelity, and Unity, I joined in with feeling.   Because for the brief instant that we all chanted in unison, we all were somehow joined, and I was a part of that.

"That's about it, I guess.   I never meet Marvin before I got to the staging center.   My grandfather passed me the sword, told me it was mine, and that they needed me and the master sword for this mission.   He told me to see it through, no matter what.   And that is what I intend to do."   And suddenly, I looked over at the woods, and I knew I wasn't going to run away.   The mission was doomed, and totally hopeless. But I was not going to let Grandfather down.

"And there is another reason." I said "Remember I am only a so-so swordsman, despite the fact that I've been practicing all my life.   And this Master Sword is much too heavy for me.   Only someone like you are grandfather who is close to your size could handle it.   So in my hands it is almost worthless.   But since I am the owner of the sword now, I know there will be a long list of quests that I'll just have to go on.   My grandfather could barely finish one quest without someone else asking him to rescue something from someone. And heroes don't live long lives (my grandfather is an exception).   So if I don't die on this mission, I'll die on the next one.   No point in prolonging the torture."

Mud seemed satisfied at this.   And the others seemed to be getting ready to leave again. So we both got up and headed back to the group.

"I think you will survive this one." Said Mud with a friendly arm around my shoulder "I don't think your destiny is to die in a hopeless mission.   And on your next mission, if you need a sidekick, look me up.   Being a sidekick might be as fun as being a henchman, and I won't have to listen to all those stupid Shakespeare quotes from Richard."

Richard seemed to be in the middle of one of his pep talks, and the robots were folding up the tables and equipment.   All in all, we were a very noisy group, and at first that worried me.   But then I remembered that the enemy seemed to know all the previous groups movements, even when they were trying to be stealthy. So I figured they knew exactly where we were, whether we made noise or not.

"'Thus time we waste, and longest leagues make short' (Pericles, Prince of Tyre)" Richard said in conclusion.   "Altogether now:   Honor, Fidelity, and Unity"

We all shouted out in unison.   And I felt pretty good about my decision to see this through.   As long as I was going to die a horrible death, this was not a bad company to do it in.

"Mud want to fight monsters.   Mud want to smash!" Mud said to Richard, and we all lined up with Marvin carrying Cupcake in front, and me and Mr. Yim in the back just in front of the robots.

"Straighten up. Don't slouch.   And try to look like something resembling a hero, as impossible as that is for you." Naggy said, for about the 13th time.

As we walked, I sang a little marching tune just under my breath.   It was to the melody of "Ride of the Valkyries" and it went "Kill the fair-ry.   Kill the fair-ry.   Kill the fair-air-ry.   Kill the fair-ry."

6:17 PM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"The First Encounter"

We were now only a mile and a half from the castle.   We could see it clearly in front of us raised on a short hill, and just like the black castles in the illustrations of fairy tales.     It had a moat, a wide drawbridge, and at least a two story wall completely surrounding it.   The castle itself rose at least 5 stories, and was in the center of what looked to be a wide court yard within the wall.

We had just passed through the magical force shield about half a mile back.   Walking through it was like walking through a wall of jelly, but it didn't seem to have any detrimental effects.   If we had a laser cannon we could have blasted the castle from here (within the force field, but just outside anti-technology zone).   This was more proof that the enemy knew everything about us.   All the previous missions that had heavy technology weapons with them had not gotten this far. They had been attacked and destroyed before they got through the force field.   So the fact that we were let through the force shield meant the enemy was very confident that we didn't have any weapons of mass destruction to worry about.

We were stopped again, but for once we all agreed to this stop.   A large force of monsters was moving out of the castle and coming our way.   And the ravine we were in was the perfect spot to meet them.   The top of the ravine had a wide overhang, so it would help protect us from an aerial attack.   The ravine was wide enough for several people to swing a sword next to each other, but too narrow for anyone to be easily surrounded.   This was where we would make our first stand.

Richard took charge and arranged everyone in a defensive position.   I didn't see Marvin at all after we stopped; he was probably hiding behind the robots, trying to put more ointment on his wounds.

It seemed that Marvin had a good reason to be paranoid about insects. All of us were covered in a variety of insect bites, but they were ordinary itching bites like you can get anywhere.   But Marvin was covered with large open wounds that looked more like gunshot holes than insect bites.   He was literally poka-doted with the things.   My only guess is that since he had spent his entire life in a sterilized environment, his body had no resistance at all to simple insect bites. Either that, or he had some terrible allergy to insects.     But every stop since "brunch" he spent most of the time covering the wounds with bandages and ointment.

Cupcake looked about the same as Marvin.   Her hair seemed to be falling out and was matted down with blood.   She also seemed very sick.   The "great outdoors" was not doing well for her.   In fact, she didn't give an annoying "yip" or try to bite anyone's fingers the entire trip.

Richard had put me near the back, in the third line of defense.   I don't think he was protecting me as much as keeping me out of the way.   After all, he had seen me practice so he knew how incompetent I was with that heavy sword.   As it was, everyone else had a sword or a blaster or a gun out, and was holding it up ready for the attack. It was the best I could do to hold the hilt of my grandfather's sword as the point rested on the ground in front of me.

I did some quick calculations in my head, and said out loud, to no one in particular.   "Why did they let us get this far?   Most of the other groups were attacked a lot further away from the castle than this?"

"Boredom probably." Said the person next to me. "If we had come straight through at full speed, they probably would have had an ambush all set up for us.   But we took so long getting here, that they probably all got bored and went back to the castle.   It is a lot easier for them to just wait in the castle till we are in sight and attack us then.   So it seems all of Marvin's stops had a purpose after all".

I figured he might be right, and was about to tell him so, when the first of the enemy entered the ravine ahead of us.   The stream of monsters were still coming out of the castle, so there had to be a mile and a half of monsters, three a breast, between us and the castle.   There were three troll/ape like creatures in front, walking on hands and feet, even though they all three had a club in one hand. And they all three were at least 8 feet tall, even bent over with their hands touching the ground.

Behind them were a wide variety of monsters, most I never saw before or even heard described in old stories.   But there were also imps and goblins and orcs and giant spider monsters.   On the road behind that, I made out at least one giant caterpillar, about 30 feet long. And a variety of small bat-like demons were hovering in the air over the army.

"Here pitch our battle; hence we will not budge. (King Henry the 6th)" I heard Richard's voice yell out.   And I heard Mud's voice follow with "Mud Smash!".

Then the battle was begun.   A number of the demon-bat creatures flew in over our heads and looked like they were circling to attack the front lines from the back.   I lifted the master sword straight up in the air suddenly, and one of the creatures flew straight into it.   I don't know if it killed him or even wounded him or not, since the force of the collision along with the weight of the sword knocked me over completely. I hit the ground hard.

I had no time to nurse my wounds, I hadn't let go of the sword, and I struggled to stand up again.     As I stood, another of those demon-bats was flying right at me.   I lifted the sword again, but this one saw it coming and simply flew around it and me.   But the force of his wings as he passed and the weight of the sword sent me to the ground again.

Again I rose, and this time I took a swing at one of the demon-bats and didn't fall down.   I didn't hit it, but I considered not falling down and not getting my face ripped open to both be good things.

But by that time, a number of goblins had circled around and were attacking from the back of the ravine.   I was the only thing between them and the exposed backs of the rest of our troops. The good news was the robots were all in the back of the ravine just in front of me, just standing awaiting orders.   So the goblins had to move between the wall and the robots, and so they could only attack me single file.

I battled these goblins for a few minutes. I didn't kill a single one, but I connected with flesh once or twice.   Mostly, I had a much longer reach with my huge sword, so they couldn't reach me without impaling themselves.   But that also meant I had to hold up the sword in front of me, and my arms felt like they were about to fall off if I kept it up any longer.

Then I felt someone next to me.   One of our party, had come back to help me.   He had a blaster with him, which still worked because we weren't in the anti-technology field yet.   He aimed blast after blast at the line of goblins, who were to tightly packed together to dodge or retreat.   Soon all of them were dead, and the path behind us was clear.

I looked back to the front of the battle, there were dead monsters everywhere; you could barely walk for the gore and debris on the ground.   And one of those giant troll/ape things was dead in front of us, looking like a small hill.   I didn't notice any dead humans, but almost all of our forces were wounded, and some of the wounds looked serious.

But we were all alive, and we had won round one.   By winning, I mean the monsters in front had pulled back to regroup.   But any small win is a very good thing in my mind.   The rest of our group obviously agreed.   Richard shouted out Honor, Fidelity, and Unity and everyone lifted their swords and joined him in perfect unison.

I lifted the Master Sword and chanted also.   We were a group; we were a team of soldiers fighting the enemy to save Hyrule.   For a brief second there, I was elated.   I was part of something bigger than myself.   I belonged.

Then, to my total shock, Richard yelled "Retreat!".   Clearly, the rest were not at all surprised, they were moving on mass back up the ravine before the word completely left his lips.   It was not an ordered or strategic retreat. It was a full scale no holds bared "run-away".   They fought the monsters as a team, and they were now running away as a team, in perfect unison.

And I was not part of that team.   With the master sword still raised slightly above my head, I was hit by the stampede of my comrades, and the force of their passing and the weight of the sword knocked me to the ground again.   No one noticed or cared. They were running to fast.

I tried to stand up again, but something very large and heavy stepped on me and moved past.   It was one of the troll/ape things.   The monsters had seen Richard and the others run, and had run after them, laughing and shouting in glee.   After the troll/ape passed, I still couldn't get up because an endless line of monsters came stampeding through, stepping on me as they passed as carelessly as they stepped on their own fallen dead.

Standing up was out of the question.   So I just lay there and pretended to be a rug for them to step on as they ran passed.   How long this lasted, I don't know, but a very long time.

6:51 PM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"Many More Surprises"

Finally, nothing was stepping on me anymore, and the sounds of the monsters were growing softer around me.   I stood up slowly, still holding the Master Sword.   The robots had almost all been knocked down by the passing monsters, but none had been damaged any. The monsters were in too big a hurry to chase the rest of our party it seems.   Looking towards the castle, a seemingly endless line of monsters were filing back in.   Obviously the enemy didn't think they needed their full force to round up my escaping comrades.

But that means that this was not a safe place for me to be.   I was hoping that Richard and the others could run fast enough to keep ahead of the monsters, and the information on the other missions said the monsters wouldn't chase them farther than 10 miles from the castle.   But that meant the monsters would be coming back this way when Richard's group got away from them.

As I started to move past the fallen robots to get back out of the ravine, I saw one of them move.   Then I noticed a hand, covered in blood and big bloody insect bites.   Marvin!   I quickly moved the robot aside and helped Marvin up. He was still clutching Cupcake in one hand.   Cupcake looked definitely worse for ware and nearly dead, but she nipped at my hands a bit and wagged her tail.   Marvin was all smiles, as if something very good just happened.

"You are still alive?   You didn't run away?   I bet your grandfather you would be the first to run.   I hope you know I owe him a lot of money now."   Marvin said just beaming like an idiot.

"Who's alive?" Came another voice.   Mr. Yim had been hiding behind the only robot still standing, but came out when he heard our voices. "Oh good.   You are Ned, correct.   And you haven't blown up yet. Just like you promised.   I had another friend named Ned once, you know, but he did blow up.   Messy business that."

"I'd love to chat, but we are on a very tight deadline.   We have to get these robots up and moving before they realize we are still alive and send more monsters to kill us."   Marvin said very business-like.

Why we still needed the robots, I had no idea.   But there was too much insanity currently to question any of it.   So I just followed my grandfather's advice, and simply followed orders.

None of the robots were damaged at all, just knocked over. So it was fairly easy to lift them up (with their help) and get them upright.     As I worked, Naggy reappeared.

"Where were you during that fight, Naggy?   Aren't you are supposed to help me in battle?"   I said as I helped Mr. Yim with another robot.

"You didn't need any help, you did an excellent job all on your own." Said Naggy pleasantly.   I was in total shock. Naggy being nice?

"And don't call me Naggy.   My name in Nagarina, thank you.   Show some respect for your elders."   Now that was the Naggy I knew.

Once upright, the robots, all eight of them, pulled out long swords from the cooking supplies and lined up facing towards the castle, leaving the rest of the food and cooking utensils where they lay.

"OK." Marvin said forcefully.   "Let go attack the castle."

I looked around.   There was Marvin, covered in bloody insect bits, a very sick Cupcake under one arm. There was Mr. Yim, carry no weapon at all.   There were eight Hazel 2000 robot servants, each holding a sword. And there was me and Naggy.   We were going to attack the castle?

Marvin didn't bother to explain, he started marching forward, with the 8 robots behind him.   I was just about to bring up the rear (why? I had no idea!) when a familiar voice came from behind me.

"Wait up.   I thought you guys might need some help."   It was Mud.

A was so glad to see him alive I hugged him. But Marvin didn't stop at all.   Nor did the robots or Mr. Yim.

"What's going on here" Mud said in confusion, indicating Marvin and his party.

"We are storming the castle." I said not knowing what else to say.

"No Sh*t!" Mud said in amazement. "So what are we waiting for?"

I shrugged and we both ran after Marvin to join the party.

I had just escaped a certain and horrible death, by pure blind luck and incompetence.   And what was I doing?   Following a lunatic into even more certain death on an even more impossible mission.   "Firm and irrevocable is my doom".

7:15 PM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"When is a Robot not a Robot?"

We were moving towards the castle at fast clip.   Marvin clearly didn't need any breaks now.   And the robots were also moving faster than previously.   More evidence that all the stops before were simply a trick to keep the enemy off guard.

As we walked I turned to Mud "Not that I'm not happy to see you. But shouldn't you be with Richard smashing things to entertain him or something."

"Nah." Replied Mud "I've been a henchman long enough to know that the boss likes an audience when he thinks he's being clever. But he hates it when anyone sees him messing up or peeing in his pants. My life will be a lot easier if he thinks I was somewhere else during that embarrassing retreat.   Then he can make up some story that makes it seem like he was the hero, and I can act like I believe it and keep him happy."

"I've got to give him an hour or two to clean up and make up a good story.   So I have some time to kill.   And storming the castle sounds fun." Mud said happily.

Everyone around me was insane, I concluded.

I checked my watch, and realized it was completely dead.   But it was working fine when I checked it three minutes ago. "My watch stopped" I said, out loud in surprise.

"So has mine." Said Mud casually "We must have entered the anti-technology zone three minutes back."

But wait.   Something was wrong.   Alarms of "wrongness" were going off in my head, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Suddenly it hit me what was so out of joint.   I leapt ahead to catch up with Marvin, passing the double line of robots on the way.

"Marvin, we are in the anti-technology area.   Why are the robots still moving with us?   How can they move?" I asked.

"If they were robots they would have gone completely dead when we crossed into the anti-technology field.   But they are not robots.   They once were robots, but not anymore.   They are golems."   He said, almost giggling at my reaction.

"Golems?"   I said, completely dumbfounded.

"Yes Golems.   You know, inanimate objects given life and mobility by a magic spell.   Usually golems are made of mud or stone, but why not put a golem spell on a robot?   Not only can it think and move in or out of the anti-technology zone, but it can learn how to bake a really delicious pie.   Isn't that right Cupcake?   Ordinary robots never make good pies; they never get the crust right."   Marvin started to talk to Cupcake again, as we walked.   Cupcake didn't answer; she didn't look well at all.

"Wait. I understand." I said.   I didn't really, but all these surprises were getting to me.   I had to try to put 2 and 2 together and get close to 4.   "So these eight robots are golems.   And when you join them together they transform into a super mega-robot, powerful enough to pound through the walls of the castle?     Or maybe the super mega-robot goes into hyper mode and transforms into a giant laser cannon to blast the castle out of existence?"

Marvin almost stopped in his tracks he was so shocked.   "Are you feeling OK?     Because you are scaring me now.     Having smaller robots combine into a larger one, do you know how incredibly complex a feat of engineering that would be?   No matter how you do it, the joint robot would have to use up so much resources just to make the joining possible, that it would end up less powerful than a single small robot that didn't join with anything.     And the laser cannon idea wouldn't work at all; the golem spell gives the robots life and mobility, not laser beams.     I can make a laser cannon into a golem, and it would be alive and able to move, but inside the anti-technology zone it still couldn't shoot laser beams since that is not an organic function of a living creature."

OK, I thought. Stop trying to think ahead, I don't have the brain power for it.   I'll just follow orders and watch the insanity unfold.

Just then Mr. Yim came running up to Marvin and showed him his hand.   It had a large red wound on it just like Marvin's many insect bites.   "Look, this just happened.     It bit me inside the anti-technology zone.   That means its digestive systems are functioning normally.   Isn't that wonderful?"   (Remember what I just said about insanity unfolding).

"Mr. Yim. Did you take your medication when I told you to?   You know it's important to take your medication."   Marvin scolded him.

"Yes I took it, just 5 minutes ago.   See I remember taking it. That is a good sign."   Said Mr. Yim.   Then Mr. Yim turned to me "I don't think we met, I'm Mr. Yim."

While all this talking was going on, we were getting closer to the castle, the drawbridge was almost directly in front of us (thought still about 10 city blocks away).   The end of the line of monsters that attacked us before were still moving into the castle.   But as we continued to close the distance, there was a commotion on the drawbridge, and the monsters turned around and came at us full speed.   The second battle was about to begin.

We quickly got into battle formation.   I had a new confidence now.   The battle still seemed totally insane but the fact that I didn't understand even half the insanity, gave me hope.   Not much hope.   "Firm and irrevocable is my doom" still seemed like the theme of this mission.   I was still an incompetent swordsman with a much too heavy sword.   But I'll take what I can get.

7:31 PM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"The Master Swordsman"

Just as I was getting ready, and trying to lift the sword to a defensive position, I heard Naggy's voice in my ear.  "You shouldn't drag that sword in the ground that way.  It's a family heirloom.  Why don't you make it smaller and lighter so you can handle it better?"

"I Can Make It Lighter?" I almost screamed out.

"Of course you can.  It's a magic sword; it can be any size, shape, or weight that you want. You just have to focus your energy at the sword and will it to change shape."  I quickly tried this.  It's hard to focus your energy at a sword when you never did it before and a hoard of hideous monsters were stampeding towards you.

Suddenly I felt the sword take on the weight of one of the swords I use to enjoy using in practice.  I swished the sword through the air to get the feel of it.  It was not only lighter now; I also felt things I never felt before. It was like the world slowed down for me.  Not really, but my reflexes were suddenly faster, my eye/hand coordination was suddenly razor sharp.  As I focused my energy into the sword, we both became like one living creature together.

The feeling was so exhilarating I had to express it.  I lifted the sword high about my head and as a bolt of pure magical energy shot out of the sky at me I screamed.  Ê "For the Honor of Grandpa.  I Have the Power."

"Oh by the Goddesses no!  Not a catch phrase.  Please no." Naggy yelled in my ear.  "Look, usually right before a battle it is not a good idea to bring down a bright bolt of energy that shows all your enemies exactly where you are.  I guarantee you. If you stand in that pose before each battle, with your whole body exposed like that.  Some smart enemy is going to pull out a crossbow or gun quick and shoot you dead right between the 'the' and the 'power'."

"Sorry Nagarina.  Ê I promise never to do it again.  Next battle I`ll start it the old way, by yelling 'Oh sh*t' and ducking for cover." I said politely.  "But in all this time, why didn't you tell me about the sword's powers before?"

"Remember, the enemy was watching us.  If you looked too competent, he might have started to worry and hit us sooner and with a bigger force of monsters." Naggy said with a twinkle in her voice.  "And I had big money bet that you would be the first to run.  Boy, your grandfather is going to clean up on this one.  Anyway, you never asked me.  If you want good advice, you have to ask for it."

It was then that the monsters hit.  Monsters of every size and shape and description. But this time we wiped the floor with them and kept going.

The area we were in was still full of ravines, like a crisscross of mazes, but with no dead ends.  But here the ravines were shallower, most only 6 feet deep.  If the monster came at us from above, we could use the ravine as cover and jump out unexpectedly to attack from below.  Most monsters had week spots between their legs, so we could do real damage from that position.  If they tried to come at us from below, they could only hit us one at a time.

The eight robots fought with swords, but they used lighting strokes and extremely precise moves.  Whether some of their computer circuits still functioned while they were in the anti-technology zone, or if precision and speed was just part of their personality golem or no, I don't know.  But monster after monster dropped before them.

Mud was doing wonderfully also.  I never saw him fight in the first battle, but here he carried no weapons.  He bounced and kicked and chopped his hands like an axe.  And the monsters just kept falling before him.  He had incredible speed for a man his size (or any size).  "I've been studying marshal arts since I was five years old.  Ê You don't think I break all those things for Richard on strength alone do you?" He told me as we fought back to back at one point.

And me. Well I'd like to say I was the best of all. But that wasn't true. In the hands of a real sword master (like my grandfather), the powers of the sword would have made him supernaturally great.  In my hands, it just gave me all the skills I had been missing all my life.  I had studied sword work with the greatest sword masters in Hyrule; there was nothing about the sword I didn't know.  But this knowledge had never been any use to me before, because I wasn't skilled enough to make it work.  But now, I could think out a complex move, I had the reflexes to execute it, and the coordination not to mess it up.

"I am competent!"  Ê No, I didn't raise my sword over my head and yell that out.  But I wanted to several times.

And Naggy helped too this time.  She would watch my back, and warn me if something was coming at me that I didn't see. She also saw openings and flaws in my opponents that I missed and passed on this information.

We were completely surrounded within moments, a small island of fighters in a sea of monsters.  But the irregular terrain was a great advantage, it didn't matter how many of them there were, because they could only attack us a few at a time.

Marvin stayed in the middle of our group, barking orders.  He had us well organized.  The robot/golems formed a wedge in front. Their job was to move forward and kill anything that tried to stop them.  Marvin, still carrying Cupcake, and Mr. Yim were in the center of the wedge, in the most protected spot.  Mud and I moved around freely behind the wedge.  Our job was to protect the rear and make sure nothing got through to distract the robots from moving forward.

I was still doomed, of course.  Unlimited sea of monsters and all.  Evil sorcerer at the other end with spells that could kill me in a hundred different ways.  But while it lasted, I was having a hell of a time.

9:10 PM Ð Monday Ð 23rd of September, 40 WR
"The Death of a Comrade"

We had moved almost up to the castle. We were still in the ravines, but just 20 feet ahead was the drawbridge, and beyond that the wall, the wide court yard, and the castle.   There were monsters everywhere, of course.   But somewhat spread out, maybe we were putting a strain on the monster generators.

We also saw a few humans watching from the walls, or standing with swords and armor just inside the court yard.   Long range telescopes had told us on previous missions that the evil sorcerer had human followers who gave orders to the monsters.   This was his elite force.   But up to now, no mission got close enough to have faced them head on.   Maybe if we could kill them, the evil sorcerer would be unable to call up more monsters?   I was long passed trying to guess what Marvin's strategy was.   I was a soldier; I was part of something bigger than myself.   I just followed orders.

The fighting had hit a lull.   The monsters stood and faced us, in defiance. Probably they were told to wait and let us move onto the drawbridge.   Once we moved out of the ravine, we would no longer have the protection of the terrain and they could attack us all at once.   Then our fight was really hopeless.  

"Firm and irrevocable is my doom" I muttered under my breath. But I was so exhilarated about being competent, that it almost was a happy tune.

I wasn't sure why we were stopped. Whatever Marvin had planned, it wasn't going to work any better 3 minutes from now than it would now.

But Marvin seemed distracted by Cupcake.   Cupcake seemed excited suddenly; she was wagging her tail, and even yelping a little.   Marvin was talking to her in her ear, trying to calm her down I assumed.   And he was totally distracted.   It was like the monsters and the castle and the battle had all disappeared.

So we just stood and watched him.   And the monsters just stood and watched us.   And the entire world seemed frozen in that instant.

"She hates all this nature stuff. It seems to be making her sick." He turned to explain this to Mr. Yim.   "And she has spent her whole life in-doors.   So she thinks the castle is the end of the trip, and a safe place to hide from all this nature."

As his head was turned to talk to Mr. Yim, Cupcake saw her chance.   She suddenly leapt out of Marvin's arms and ran as fast as she could between two robots and right on to the drawbridge and the waiting monsters.

All of us, Marvin, Mr. Yim, Mud, me, the monsters, the humans commanding them, stood frozen in surprise.   Like statues.   And Cupcake happily ran passed all the monsters in a mad dash to get inside the castle.

I don't know if I should hope that Cupcake made it (and hopefully found some place to hide in there) or that somehow she would get frightened, and run back to Marvin.   But based purely on surprise, she had made it all the way across the drawbridge and was moving into the courtyard around the castle.

Then it happened.

A troll (a real troll, not one of those ape/troll things) reached down and grabbed. Then he held up the struggling little dog and giggled.

"Don't hurt my Cupcake." Marvin yelled, breaking the spell that held us all frozen.

The troll laughed and threw Cupcake high in the air, and then caught her again. Again he tossed her high up, and again caught her.   The third time she went up even higher, but this time he missed.   A goblin beneath him picked Cupcake's body of the ground (I was praying she was dead), and tossed it to one of the humans.

He held the body up and so we could clearly see her, and started poking her with his sword.   Then he laughed and tossed her to the monsters who continued to play "catch" with her.

I know exactly what I was seeing, but knowing didn't make it any easier.   This was a classic bully trick, played on me many many times.     I told you, I didn't have a pleasant childhood.   They wanted to get us so angry that we would run at them blindly and attack.   Clearly, they wanted us on that drawbridge where they could overwhelm us with pure superior numbers.

Marvin looked like he was in tears.   He kept yelling "Don't hurt Cupcake." But even he must be aware that Cupcake had died somewhere in all this mistreatment.   It was her dead body they were tormenting.

The monsters played catch with it.   Some even put it in their mouth and pretended to bite it.     The humans each took a turn with it, poking it with weapons and challenging us to try to get the body away from them.

Finally the body tore in two, with this mistreatment.   And something in Marvin snapped.   He suddenly he stopped crying and put on a face hard as stone.

"Retreat!"   He yelled.     Again, the insanity just kept coming.   The monsters and humans were frozen again in disbelief.

This was not a "run-away" like Richard's retreat.   This was clean and organized.   Marvin directed me and Mud to move up front as the robots each turned around and reformed their wedge going the other way.   Then Marvin and Mr. Yim moved to the protected center, and we quickly started to move away before the monsters recovered from their shock.

That didn't last long.   With a scream of rage one of the humans yelled at them in a language I didn't understand and all hell ran down to kill us.

This was the hardest part of the battle so far.   Before, Mud and I were just rear guard; most of the monsters were in front.   But now, almost all the monsters were behind us, and Mud and I had to do most of the fighting.   The good part was that it was hard for the enemy to circle around and attack the robots head on, so we were moving much faster that before.

But even as I fought the most difficult battle of my life, I looked longingly at the castle.   It would be so easy, just like a video game.   I could surprise everyone and run straight at the castle before anyone knew what I was doing.   Using surprise and my new skill with a sword I could probably get through to the castle gate.   Once inside I could lose pursuers in the corridors, and make it to the central room where the evil sorcerer was waiting and kill him.   Just like a video game.

"I know what you are thinking. Hit this one low. And don't even think it." Yelled Naggy. "You are not a hero.   You are not supposed to be a hero. Watch your left.   You are a soldier and you have been ordered to retreat.   And soldiers don't question orders, they obey them.   Here comes a big one, brace yourself."

I continued to fight, and I knew Naggy was correct.   The evil sorcerer would not be sitting in the center of the castle waiting to be defeated like a silly video game.   He was probably one of the humans on the walls, but I had no idea which one.   The only way to kill him was to somehow kill every living thing in the castle.   And even then, he probably had dozens of hiding places I couldn't find or escape routes I wouldn't notice.   I knew this was an impossible mission from the start.   I shouldn't fool myself into thinking any differently.

I took one last look longingly at the castle.   Then I looked at the wall of terrible monsters all trying to push each other aside so they could kill me personally.   It didn't mater I guess, either way, hero or soldier "Firm and irrevocable is my doom".

We were retreating faster now and I had to admit. Being a real sword master was exhilarating.

2:42 AM Ð Tuesday Ð 24th of September, 40 WR
"Hazel has a Gun"

We finally made it back to the shuttle. And I was alive. Clearly Shakespeare had no idea what he was talking about: "Firm and irrevocable is my doom".   Not this time!   I'll save that quote for my next quest.

Of course, our mission failed (I think).   The whole thing had me very confused.

We had made it slowly but surly to the edge of the "anti-technology" zone.   Then for the first time in the entire mission, Marvin pulled out his two blasters that he carried with him all this time (I thought they were just decorative).   He emptied both blasters almost immediately, but when he was finished there was not a single monster between us and our path home.

Then he fainted.     All this bravado didn't change the facts. He was not very athletic or in very good shape.   And he also seemed very sick (in fact, he seemed just as sick as Cupcake had all day).   I'm sure that meant something, but I had given up trying to understand this crazy mission.

So Mud put Marvin over his shoulder.   Then Mud, carrying Marvin, and Mr. Yim took point.   The robots followed, and I took rear guard.   The robots couldn't exactly move at a run on this terrain, but we made a fast walk and we didn't take any breaks.

When we got back to the shuttle, I didn't know what to expect.   Somewhere in the back of my head, I thought we would have a heroes welcome.   But I didn't really think it out that far.

Our surviving companions were spread out in the clearing where we had breakfast.   All looking very much the worse for wear.   Even Zelda looked like she had been through hell (it turned out Richard had put her on medical duty, and she had no idea what she was doing).   When Mud entered the clearing with Marvin over his shoulder, Richard stopped arguing with the shuttle pilot and come over at a fast clip.

"Finally Mud.   What took you so long?"   Complained Richard looking like he wanted to hit someone.   "Those monsters might show up any time and these idiots refuse to open the shuttle before the full 18 hours is over.   Get our leader over here and have him open the shuttle so we can get people to the hospital".

Marvin started to stir, and asked Mud to put him down.   He was unsteady on his feet but he managed to stand.   He also coughed some, and I noticed he was coughing up blood, so did Richard and everyone else.

But when he started talking his voice was firm and strong. "The shuttle will not be opened until the full 18 hours is over, that is 30 minutes from now.   Then we will all line up and go through the decontamination units before we enter the ship.   No one will be allowed onto the ship before he has been totally decontaminated."

Richard looked like he would object, but Marvin yelled over his shoulder "Mr. Yim.   Have you taken any readings lately?   What is our timing like?"

"We are cutting it close." Mr. Yim said as he ran up to Marvin.   "We probably have 3 hours, but this is not an exact thing. I would say we needed to be out of here in an hour."

"OK. You heard him." Marvin said loud enough for everyone to hear.   "Get yourself ready.   In half an hour, the ship will be opened, and we will move through the decontamination units single file and enter the ship.   Anyone not on the ship by 3:45 AM will be left behind."

Richard looked like he was going to hit Marvin, but he was holding himself back. Some of the others didn't have his self control.

"Look here swishy-boy!" said one of Richard's cronies.   "A lot of us are hurt, some seriously.   My brother died out there tonight.   We are opening up this shuttle and we are flying straight to the nearest hospital.   And you can decontaminate the ship and us to your hearts content when we get there."

Marvin pulled out a blaster from its holster in his suit, and handed it to one of the robots.   "Hazel, if anyone tries to open up the ship before the deadline, shoot him.   If anyone tries to get on the ship before they are decontaminated, shoot him.   If anyone, including me, tells you any different, ignore him."

We all stood with our mouths open, this was not the Marvin we knew.   Of course, Mud and I knew that the blaster was totally empty, but they didn't.   And I didn't plan to bring up the issue.

"You're bluffing." The same boy said "You know robots are programmed to not obey orders like that."

"You are correct." Said Marvin calmly. "Except Hazel here is not a robot.   She is a golem."

Richard looked to Mud, who nodded his head yes.   "I think I'm going to have a little talk with Mud." He said.

Richard and Mud walked over to the end of the clearing.   Mud was talking very fast, so I'm sure he wasn't using his "henchman" voice.

While they were talking, I asked what had happened while we were gone.   It seemed their disorganized retreat made them very easy targets for the faster monsters.   Two of our party had died, and another 4 were badly wounded.   Richard, being in front, had avoided any injuries.

"Friends!"   Richard called to everyone. "We are letting tempers get the better of us.   'A hot temper leaps over a cold decree' (Merchant of Venice).   I'll tell you all now some of Marvin's secrete plan for this mission. It was our job, the New Knights of Hyrule to take on the monsters and keep them distracted.   That left Marvin free to sneak up to the castle and destroy the enemy."

As usual, Richard's words had everyone nodding in agreement.   "We should be very proud; we accomplished our end of the plan flawlessly.   Unfortunately, Marvin failed in his end of the mission.   But his failure didn't make his contribution or ours any less heroic.     And if his failure has made him a bit out of sorts, we should forgive him.   He is our leader.   'Well, march we on, to give obedience where tis truly owed' (Macbeth)"

I walked over to Mr. Yim.   He was exhausted from our fast escape, but seemed a lot more together than previously.   "OK.   Tell me one thing.   Your memory is clearly improving.   What happened, or was it all an act to begin with?"

"Not an act.   I'm just as scatterbrained and senile as I seemed.   OK, so I exaggerated it here and there.   It was fun."   Mr. Yim giggled a bit at that.   "Even so, my mind is definitely three feathers short of a loon.   Unless I take my medication; when I take my medication, I'm just fine.   But for a week before this mission, Marvin made sure I didn't take my medication.   It added to the image of total incompetence he was carefully constructing for our enemy's benefit.   But just before we stormed the castle, I started taking my medication again.   It only kicks in slowly, so if I forget who you are on occasion, forgive me.   And we need all our brains to make sure you don't explode."

Mr. Yim wandered off to check on something or other. And Mud was with Richard, smashing something.   So I went to find Marvin.

Despite his brave front, Marvin was clearly very sick. "OK, the pieces are slowly coming in to place.   But there is something happening here that I don't understand."   I leaned into Marvin and asked.   "Can you explain it to me yet?"

Marvin smiled at me.   "Can't say a word. You never know who might be listening.   But while studying the reports from all the previous missions, I discovered our enemy has one fatal flaw.   He has everything very well planned out; my guess is he is compulsive about every little detail.   But he doesn't react well to surprises.   You must have noticed how long it took him to send the monsters back out when we did the unthinkable and tried to attack the castle on our own."

Marvin coughed up some more blood, but continued happily.   "So this mission was designed as one surprise after another.   And since I'm sure he magically eavesdrops at every opportunity, it had to be a surprise for everyone.   But I have one more little surprise for our foe, a very little surprise, and I don't want to spoil it."

5:52 AM Ð Tuesday Ð 24th of September, 40 WR
"One Last Little Surprise"

For some reason that nobody but Mr. Yim and Marvin understood, we had landed the shuttle craft on a mountain overlooking but some distance away from the enemy's castle.   I say nobody but Mr. Yim and Marvin, but I can't even be sure that Mr. Yim knew or remember why we were there, and sometimes I thing Marvin does these things randomly just to confuse people.

Despite Marvin's obvious illness, no one questioned his authority, not since he gave Hazel the blaster.

For example, he had insisted that everyone not only decontaminate themselves, but also completely change their clothing and leave all the old clothing behind when we took off.   I thought they would rebel then, but Richard just nodded and did it, and everyone else followed suit.

The next surprise is when he insisted that instead of immediately heading for the nearest hospital, we land on this remote mountain peak and just sit.   I even questioned that one; he didn't look like he would last long without medical help.   He just said "I'll live, so will everyone else.   The shuttle has enough medical supplies to see to that.   And it is important that we be sure it's safe for us to rejoin civilization.   Think of this as a 6 hour quarantine."

"Anyway, Ned, after risking your life for it, don't you want to see my last little surprise?" He said smiling.   I was surprised (yet again).   This was the first time he had used my real name, I didn't even know he knew it.

So here we were in the shuttle on a mountain just waiting.   Marvin had even insisted that we keep the re-entry shields over the window and he refused to let anyone go out of the shuttle.     But Mr. Yim had set the view screens to focus on the area of the forest that we had just been in.   There was the castle, like a picture post card, and the forest around it.   We could see it well enough to make out the drawbridge (still down), and the court yard and the castle itself.   But other then a faint hint of movement on the walls, we couldn't see the monsters or the enemy's followers.

The cabin wasn't quiet.   Richard and the other survivors of his group needed to talk out their adventures.   So far, their description of the first battle was fairly accurate, other than they exaggerated the number of monsters they had killed and the speed they had killed them.   But after that, their story was about "strategically changing their position", and cleverly "drawing the monsters away from Marvin".   Richard even added parts about how he volunteered to lead the party that distracted the monsters, and how he had sent Mud to go with Marvin as a body guard.

Richard and his group also did the Honor, Fidelity, and Unity chant about once every 15 minutes.   I never joined in.   I was a soldier, I belonged to something bigger than myself, and I didn't need to yell in unison with these clowns to feel that.

For the last 2 hours, I mainly sat with Marvin, making sure he was comfortable and listening to his stories about all the parties in Tasnica.

Mud came over to whisper to me.   "I think I have this all figured out.   Marvin and Cupcake both getting so sick.   Marvin going nutcase on the decontamination and quarantine.   Even Cupcake's death.   It all fits into a pattern.   I think this is all about germ warfare."

"I thought so too, at first." I whispered back to him. "But mission #9 tried that.   Covered the whole area with deadly bacteria.   Killed all the monsters in less than 1/2 an hour.   But it didn't affect our evil sorcerer or his followers at all. They must be using some powerful healing magic.   And the monster generators just produced more monsters anyway."

"But what doesn't fit is what are we watching on the view screen?     What do Marvin and Mr. Yim expect to see at this distance?" I asked Mud.

At that moment, the view screen went white for a moment.

"I timed it exactly right.   6:00 AM give or take 10 minutes I said."   Said Mr. Yim excitedly.

We looked at the screen.   There was an explosion, something very big.   But it was far away from the castle, it happened somewhere in the woods.   As if to answer my question, Mr. Yim was talking again.

"That would be our landing site." He said pointing to the spot on the view screen, and then to a map.

The explosion sent a cloud of smoke into the air that seemed to take a familiar shape.   "That's a mushroom cloud." One of our group said in amazement.

"That's impossible." Said another "An atomic bomb would take out the whole forest. That is only a small explosion."

"A small atomic explosion to be exact." Mr. Yim said happily. "The smallest explosion possible by a human made atomic bomb is about 10 kilotons.   What you are looking at is a one ton nuclear explosion."

At that moment, another explosion went off.   This time it was in the forest directly between our landing site and the castle.   "Where we had lunch!" Mr. Yim said checking the map.  

We watched the second mushroom cloud develop, when a third explosion happened.   This one was at the castle. It was on the wall, far to the east and almost on the other side from the drawbridge.   We watched as that whole section of wall crumpled from the force.

And then another explosion in the woods, and another back where the first one happened.   It was like watching popcorn pop.   First a single kernel, then more and more; getting faster and faster until you couldn't distinguish individual pops anymore.   That's how this happened.   The castle was particularly hard hit. Explosions all around the walls and enough in the castle itself to make it collapse in on itself. And still more explosions.

Mr. Yim stopped trying to check the explosions on the map. And the rest of us could only watch in amazement.   We watched for about ten minutes. Till the explosions had completely stopped and the last mushroom cloud started to drift away.   The castle and its wall were nothing but rubble. If it had a basement, maybe that survived, but probably not.   There was also a line of single explosions that nicely marked our route from the landing sight to the castle.

"OK, one last test." Said Marvin happily. "Press the button Mr. Yim".

A thin line of pure white appeared on the view screen.   It hit the rubble where the castle had been and visibly caused a small chunk of wall to collapse.   It was clear Marvin had a laser gun mounted to the shuttle and had fired it at the castle.

"It worked; the castle's force shield is down.   I was worried that it would still be operating even after this destruction."   Marvin practically giggled. "OK. Mr. Yim call the Aerospace Wing of the Army and tell them we are ready for phase II".

Mr. Yim didn't have to even turn on the communicator. Even before Marvin finished giving his order, a huge phaser beam hit the castle from directly above.   This was a clearly a destroyer class heavy assault beam.   It liquefied the rock and rubble underneath it.   Someone else in space was watching the small atomic explosions and Marvin's test of the force shield, and couldn't wait for the order to shoot.

We watched for another 10 minutes as the whole area was blanketed with phaser beams from space.   Soon, there was no rubble, no moat, and no forest for 3000 feet around where the castle had been.   Just a huge crater.   They even burned away a line from the castle to our landing site. "Better for the environment if they burn away as much of the radioactive residue as possible" Mr. Yim explained.

I decided the quote "Firm and irrevocable is my doom" still applies to this mission.   Only it applied to our enemy in this case.   I looked at the huge crater, with the molten rock still bubbling slightly, and made a mental note never to be on the opposite side of a fight from Marvin.

"We won!" Yelled Marvin.   "We are heroes.   We saved Hyrule.   After we get out of the hospital I'm going to throw the biggest celebration party Hyrule has ever seen."

"Hold it Marvin."   I said.   "First thing. Right now.   No waiting.   What just happened here?   How did you plant all those miniature atomic bombs?"

"Not atomic bombs.   Fleas." Said Mr. Yim happily "A rare species called 'dragon fleas' to be exact.   A friend of mine named Ned discovered them and was studying them before he died.   Unfortunately, he also discovered that if you feed them too much uranium, they tend to explode. That's what killed him.   An exploding dragon flea."

Mr. Yim became very animated as he explained how dragon fleas turn into flea sized atomic bombs if you feed them too much uranium.   I found it fascinating, but many or our companions, who hadn't slept for 26 hour, were starting to zone out.   If any of you readers are like that, you can skip down to Richard's next quote.

"In brief: Uranium is a natural trace element in higher life forms.   It's in humans and dogs and dragons, and even fleas.   A dragon's scales and skin is too thick for an ordinary flea to make a hole in it so the flea can suck the blood.   So dragon fleas use their own natural uranium and a controlled nuclear reaction to create a super hot energy release on a microscopic level. Strong enough to make a pin prick hole in a dragon's hide, or a large gaping wound in a human."   He said this last part while showing the huge bloody hole on his hand, just like the wounds all over Marvin's body.

"How this works is that the dragon flea's digestive process converts ordinary uranium (U-235 and U-238) into an isotope called "U-213".   U-213 doesn't exist in nature for more than a fraction of a second, because its critical mass level is microscopic, and it normally turns into lead as soon as it's created.   But when U-213 is made inside the flea's digestive track, it is instantly bonded with organic enzymes (this happens in normal fleas also with ordinary uranium molecules).   This enzyme bond inhibits any chain reaction and so makes the very unstable U-213 molecules, stable temporarily.   Then the flea can use them to create a small controlled nuclear reaction on the skin of the dragon."   Mr. Yim was enjoying giving his lecture.

"But just before the mission, we covered poor Cupcake with a large number of dragon fleas I was breeding in my laboratory.   Marvin also fed Cupcake a large amount of uranium.   Enough to kill her eventually I'm afraid.   It was the uranium and the radiation from it and the dragon flea bites that were making her so sick during the mission.   It is also radiation sickness that is killing Marvin if he doesn't get to a hospital soon."   Said Mr. Yim looking concerned.

"I have 3 days left." Said Marvin unconcerned.   "Plenty of time to get to a hospital.   And between healing spells and modern medicine, I'll be fine.   Go on with the explanation Mr. Yim."

"The uranium got into Cupcake's blood stream and was digested by the dragon fleas.   That amount of uranium never occurs in a creature's blood stream in nature.   The dragon fleas continued to digest the uranium, continued to convert it to U-213 and continued to bond it to digestive enzymes.   The digestion and conversion occurs at a constant rate.   I was able to predict with great accuracy how much of the U-213 bonded enzymes would be in a flea's system by the hour." Mr. Yim said this with pride at his work.

"Eating Cupcake's uranium rich blood, the U-213 bonded enzymes built up in the flea's system in volumes hundreds of times larger then would ever occur naturally.   When enough built up, even the enzyme bond couldn't inhibit a chain reaction.   And the flea literally becomes a small flea-sized atomic bomb."   Mr. Yim finished in triumph.

"That was the whole point of the mission." Said Marvin. "To get Cupcake and her uranium bloated dragon fleas to the castle, and give everyone there a bad case of fleas.   It is my poor little Cupcake that is the real hero of this mission."

"That is the most convoluted thing I have ever heard." Cried one of our companions.   "I don't know much about atomic bombs, but I know they are very complex devices.   You make it seem as if atomic explosions just happen.   And if you wanted to blow up the castle, why not just plant real bombs?"

"As to the second part, remember the anti-technology field." Marvin responded "Batteries don't work in it; I'd guess a nuclear reaction wouldn't either.   But controlled nuclear reactions are how dragon fleas eat. In fact, digestive enzymes bonded with trace amounts of uranium is how we eat also.   If the U-213 didn't work in the anti-technology zone the dragon fleas would have died.   But we were assuming since living creatures could move in and out of the anti-technology zone without problems, that dragon fleas and so their U-213 bonded enzymes would be exempt also." Marvin said gleefully "But it was a gamble, like this whole mission."

"As to the first part of your question." Said Mr. Yim. "An atomic explosion is a very simplistic process. You get 120 pounds of refined U-235 together in one spot and your get a 44 kiloton blast whether you like it or not. It's that simple.   The hard part is refining enough U-235 to make it work.   The reason an atomic bomb is such a complex device is because it is real hard to get the 120 pounds of U-235 to not explode until you want it to.   And until my friend Ned told us about dragon fleas, it was thought that finding uranium U-213 at all was impossible.   As impossible as this whole mission."

"'There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' (Hamlet)" Said Richard with genuine amazement in his voice.

Most people took that to mean the question and answer period was over, and they all started talking at once.

I checked my watch. 6:22 AM.   Almost exactly 24 hours from our "final briefing", and I hadn't slept a wink in almost 26 hours.   Everyone was excited at the idea that they were going to be coming home victorious.   Richard was beside himself, bragging about how he made it all possible.

"I don't remember seeing you here before.   Are you one of the boys who fought the monsters?"   Mr. Yim said as he sat down next to me.

I was about to answer, when he started laughing. "No. No. I remember you Ned.   I was only kidding."   He laughed some more and then continued "But now you know why Marvin was so paranoid about any fleas getting back into the shuttle.   And why I was so worried about you blowing up, even in my befuddled state."

Mr. Yim then became serious. "So tell me.   Now that you are the 'the great hero, Ned the sword master', what comes next for you?"

"Well Marvin has invited me to Tasnica to sponge off of him whenever I want. He says he will take me partying, something I don't have much experience in.   He says a young barbarian hero from a primitive world, especially one with a youthful face, will be the hit of Tasnica society.   I might like that." I said, with images of easily-impressed pretty party girls dancing through my head.

"I'm also thinking of joining the Hyrule Army.   Being a soldier sounds like a fine life." I said.

"No you are not!" Yelled Naggy in my ear. "I promised your grandfather that if you survived this mission I would bring you right home.   He has at least 5 quests that he is too sick to do himself, and he might want to send you.   You are a sword master now, and the owner of the legendary master sword.   You have responsibilities."

"Nagarina says I have a quest or two to go on first." I explained to Mr. Yim.   "If that is true, I might need a sidekick to help out.   I'll go see if one is available."

Mr. Yim nodded, and I got up to go find Mud.   He was with Richard who was still talking (like always).   "'Alls Well that Ends Well' (from the play of the same name)" Richard was saying as I approached.